Exactly. And often, in my experience, when I've wronged someone, they simply want to have their complaint heard and the circumstances avoided in the future. Not a tall order, usually.

You can't force peace. Both sides have to want it. A good way to start is to listen.

(September 28, 2016 at 12:06 am)Jesster Wrote: You can't force peace. Both sides have to want it. A good way to start is to listen.

Those are the words of a peacemaker. Well said, Jesster.

In addition, the listening process is much more effective when we resist the temptation to mentally draft our responses while the other person is speaking.  Hence, IMO, devoting our full attention to learning about and understanding the other person (or persons) is requisite for effective communication.

Being willing to talk openly, honestly and calmly about whatever issues may have arose. Allowing each party to talk, and to really be heard. I've found this to often be a stumbling block. Hysterical reactions and language are a huge barrier.

Owning any upset that has been caused, intended or not; and mistakes that have been made. Working towards forgiveness where possible. Where it is not possible, at least acknowledging that the other party is truly sorry and intends to act differently in the future (if that is indeed the case).

Being flexible and coming to new arrangements if needed.

(I've had situations in my [real] life where I've had to let go of what has happened in the past, for my own sanity. I can stop holding a grudge about it, so to speak. But I can't exactly give forgiveness, because the people involved either never acknowledged fault, never cared about the upset they caused, or just continued to do the same thing. This last is particularly difficult. I can't forgive you for punching me in the face while you're still doing it. You have to at least stop.)

(September 27, 2016 at 5:00 pm)Emjay Wrote: Yeah, it's funny that paulpablo... the less communication there is, the more people can misread you or have delusions about you. It's like in a Mafia game...  if you lurk - read or kudos but don't post - people can create all sorts of hypotheses about you and have little or nothing to contradict their confirmation bias. So communication keeps things real and on the level whereas lack of communication lets people retreat into their imagination and see what they want or expect to see.

Very very true.

(September 27, 2016 at 7:34 pm)Thumpalumpacus Wrote: Listening, compromise, flexibility, and forgiveness.

Yes, maybe, yes, yes.

Si vis pacem, para bellum

As Jesster says, all parties desiring peace is elementary. Allowing people to save face now is good for future negotiations (on large and small scales).

(September 27, 2016 at 11:35 pm)Kernel Sohcahtoa Wrote: As an example, when I'm in conflict with others, I have found that negative emotions can be quite helpful: rather than letting them own me, I can use them to pinpoint core values of mine that are being undermined.  Thus, accepting the validity of negative emotions and acknowledging the underlying interests they are trying to protect, increases the likelihood of me being more productive when  I'm in conflict with others.

Yes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi9WUB8_O3M

Ignore the mystical and pseudo-scientific bullshit from his speeches and the guy talked a lot of sense sometimes.

I am very fond of forgiveness without toleration when it comes to dealing with peaceless acts. Forgiveness on the inside, no tolerance on the outside... at the very least until the unacceptable behavior changes.