Why Computers are Like Men

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
4. They're supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
5. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
7. They can help you out with a lot of things.
8. Size does matter.
9. They're good at following instructions.
10. If you look around, you may realize that there's always a better model just around the corner.


Why Computers are Like Women

1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic.
2. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
3. Miss a period and they go wild.
4. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
5. They make you take out the garbage.
6. Protection and security are very important for them.
7. Sometimes they can get out of control.
8. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.
9. Sometimes you just don't want to get your eyes off them.
10. Appearance matters.


Why the E-mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ

1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
3. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today, especially the young ones, use it for fun and pleasure.
4. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It becomes most active when you're flirting.
7. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
8. Users need to protect it's privacy.
9. It may require more than a single try to be able to successfully transmit your message to the other side.
10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

_______________________________

Obviously, the statements above are not necessarily true because they are only jokes, but they are still funny nonetheless.
Also, you can post more computer jokes in this thread if you know or find any others that you like.

Very good! Will borrow a few of those if you don't mind!

I've decided to partition my hard drive. I'm off to the hardware store to buy a hacksaw.

Decided to do one of my own to keep with the forum theme

Why Computers are like Religion

1. They can only do as they are told, and cannot think for themselves
2. If something is true, it is because the instructions said so
3. Corrupted Information is compartmentalized and then ignored
4. Garbage In, Garbage Out
5. Constantly needs its program updated or faces becoming obsolete.
6. You can cajole, reason, scream and shout, and it won't listen.
7. Is usually subject to several conflicts at any one time and not mention them.
8. The more powerful it is, the more expensive it gets for the user.
9. The only system to handle exceptions is to terminate them.
10. Beware of using Apples. You never get truly forgiven for using one.

Any theists reading this, its not a discussion, just trying it for humour.

(25th February 2012 23:32)NoMoreFaith Wrote:  Why Computers are like Religion

1. They can only do as they are told, and cannot think for themselves
2. If something is true, it is because the instructions said so
3. Corrupted Information is compartmentalized and then ignored
4. Garbage In, Garbage Out
5. Constantly needs its program updated or faces becoming obsolete.
6. You can cajole, reason, scream and shout, and it won't listen.
7. Is usually subject to several conflicts at any one time and not mention them.
8. The more powerful it is, the more expensive it gets for the user.
9. The only system to handle exceptions is to terminate them.
10. Beware of using Apples. You never get truly forgiven for using one.

That was great and very funny. I like the last one the most.

Now, here's a version of the creation story from the Book of Genesis (translated into computer-related terms):
- http://www.joke-archives.com/computers/c...ation.html

A few corny ones.

Q: What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?

Q: Why did the computer cross the road?

Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age?

Q: What does a baby computer call his father?

Q: What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

Q: Why was there a bug in the computer?

Haiku error messages


The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
------------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
---------------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
---------------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
---------------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
---------------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
------------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
---------------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
------------------------------------------------------
The Window closes.
Nothing will open it now.
Everything lost.

http://www.userfriendly.org/404.html

You're in the midst of nowhere
a droplet in a mist,
you musta typed in something weird
this URL, it don't exist.

God as a Programmer

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to go through all those variables.

Q: Does God play dice?
A: No, but maybe He uses a random number generator program.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought He eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but He is often amazed to find out what goes on in the operating system kernel.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project; now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so non-technical people are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof. As soon as God has made it idiot-proof again, there's Satan building a better idiot.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape and into off-line storage.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to restore you to on-line accessibility. And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will probably just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: No. There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because He values elegance and simplicity. But then the users and managers demanded He tack all this other senseless crap onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will He listen?
A: You can waste His time telling Him what to do, or you can just get off His back and let Him write code in peace.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages. So you just have to pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: Is God angry that Jesus was crucified?
A: Let's just say He's not going to any more meetings if He can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, your phone number or a date than can be easily associated with you, like your birth date.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Q: Why don't we see God at work?
A: God works at interrupt level, His Wonders to perform. When He wants to do something, He suspends our processes, saves our registers and status and swaps us out. Then He works His will on the world. Finally, He executes a RFS instruction (Return From Subroutine), then He swaps us back in, restores our registers and status and resumes our execution. To us, of course, things just appear to change by magic.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages Him automatically and He logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait until tomorrow.

Quote:Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, your phone number or a date than can be easily associated with you, like your birth date.