To echo Thena, I think that you underestimate your own strength. You have become a good person in spite (and possibly to spite) him. Don't let his shadow distort who you are or how you act.
I sort of know what you're going through. My father is a manipulative, mentally abusive asshole. He molested my cousin/godmother in the 1980's, and we didn't know until 1999. He's been in prison since 2001, and is due to be released sometime between now and early October. And the idea of seeing him for the first time in 14 years at the parole hearing a few weeks ago was terrifying. All those memories of living under his heel, of him trying to set the house on fire with us inside, with him convincing us that we were all useless sacks of shit that anyone would be disappointed in, and so much more came flooding back.
And you know what? He still looks mostly the same, and he's still an obstinate twat (the parole board was not impressed with him), but he didn't fill up the room with his presence. He didn't feel like a towering figure, even though he's like 5'9. Because I have changed. I'm not the perpetually scared child -> young adult I once was. I'm a 35 year old man now. His control over me is gone. I no longer have to answer to him.
Fear and memories are natural. Especially with all you endured. My father made everyone walk on eggshells, but with the exception of a few notable moments I hardly ever feared for my physical safety. I can't imagine it, and I'm so incredibly sorry you had to live though that. But the fear and memories come from a child's perspective. And while those can be the most traumatic (I have an acute, pathological fear of needles/injections to this day because of all the surgeries I had as a kid, to the point of nearly passing out, nearly vomiting, and raising my body temperature to fever levels... I'm pretty good with all my diabetes blood work now, but I'm still bad with shots in the arm, but hey, it's progress), they're not relevant to who you are now. You no longer live with him. You can fend for and defend yourself. His anger has no bearing on you. And like you said a few posts ago, he knows it because a confident abuser/murderer wouldn't appear fearful that a former victim was there to enact revenge.
TLDR; Realize your own strength. You got this.
I sort of know what you're going through. My father is a manipulative, mentally abusive asshole. He molested my cousin/godmother in the 1980's, and we didn't know until 1999. He's been in prison since 2001, and is due to be released sometime between now and early October. And the idea of seeing him for the first time in 14 years at the parole hearing a few weeks ago was terrifying. All those memories of living under his heel, of him trying to set the house on fire with us inside, with him convincing us that we were all useless sacks of shit that anyone would be disappointed in, and so much more came flooding back.
And you know what? He still looks mostly the same, and he's still an obstinate twat (the parole board was not impressed with him), but he didn't fill up the room with his presence. He didn't feel like a towering figure, even though he's like 5'9. Because I have changed. I'm not the perpetually scared child -> young adult I once was. I'm a 35 year old man now. His control over me is gone. I no longer have to answer to him.
Fear and memories are natural. Especially with all you endured. My father made everyone walk on eggshells, but with the exception of a few notable moments I hardly ever feared for my physical safety. I can't imagine it, and I'm so incredibly sorry you had to live though that. But the fear and memories come from a child's perspective. And while those can be the most traumatic (I have an acute, pathological fear of needles/injections to this day because of all the surgeries I had as a kid, to the point of nearly passing out, nearly vomiting, and raising my body temperature to fever levels... I'm pretty good with all my diabetes blood work now, but I'm still bad with shots in the arm, but hey, it's progress), they're not relevant to who you are now. You no longer live with him. You can fend for and defend yourself. His anger has no bearing on you. And like you said a few posts ago, he knows it because a confident abuser/murderer wouldn't appear fearful that a former victim was there to enact revenge.
TLDR; Realize your own strength. You got this.
"I was thirsty for everything, but blood wasn't my style" - Live, "Voodoo Lady"
