RE: The Peacemaking Thread
September 29, 2016 at 8:22 am
(This post was last modified: September 29, 2016 at 9:21 am by Kernel Sohcahtoa.)
(September 29, 2016 at 3:27 am)Alasdair Ham Wrote:(September 29, 2016 at 3:16 am)Kernel Sohcahtoa Wrote: For example, when another person is voicing his or her disagreement or position in an unconstructive manner, it is imperative to allow him or her to vent and to speak uninterrupted: as this person speaks, we then separate the person from the problem (this is hard to do, but it is truly awesome once you get the hang of it), which allows us to focus on the content of the message and possibly uncover the individual's underlying interests; thus, clarifying miscommunications and validating why a reasonable, decent person would behave in that manner.
This is awesome. Where have you been all my life (or all my AF life at least)?
You are far too kind, sir. But as you can see, in the peacemaking thread, there are other unique peacemakers on AF who have a lot to contribute and have unique and excellent ways of making peace. I'm simply one voice in a beautiful chorus, sir.
(September 28, 2016 at 4:34 am)robvalue Wrote: Being willing to talk openly, honestly and calmly about whatever issues may have arose. Allowing each party to talk, and to really be heard. I've found this to often be a stumbling block. Hysterical reactions and language are a huge barrier.
Owning any upset that has been caused, intended or not; and mistakes that have been made. Working towards forgiveness where possible. Where it is not possible, at least acknowledging that the other party is truly sorry and intends to act differently in the future (if that is indeed the case).
Being flexible and coming to new arrangements if needed.
(I've had situations in my [real] life where I've had to let go of what has happened in the past, for my own sanity. I can stop holding a grudge about it, so to speak. But I can't exactly give forgiveness, because the people involved either never acknowledged fault, never cared about the upset they caused, or just continued to do the same thing. This last is particularly difficult. I can't forgive you for punching me in the face while you're still doing it. You have to at least stop.)
I really enjoyed this. Well said, Rob.
When faced with hysterical reactions and harsh language, I'm amazed how powerful the art of re-framing can be. For example, if we replace the "this person is attacking me and I must respond with force" mentality with a "hmmm... I wonder what story this person told himself, which is causing him to behave aggressively" mentality, it has a very disarming and relaxing effect. For me at least, when I'm in conflict with others, curiosity is my best friend.
