This week in the Deep Hurting Project: The Legend of Kung Fu Rabbit. It's basically a ripoff of Kung Fu Panda from China. You might think that a movie about Kung Fu from China could create a new opportunity to make a more authentic look at the martial art than someone than something made in America. You would be wrong. Actual Chinese artists were shocked that these round-eyes could make a film that captures ancient China so well, and I think this may have helped spur on this film, a ripoff made for a tenth of the budget.
The opening scene seems like it could be trying for a decent knockoff, but then, we see our hero Fu. Fu is a giant white rabbit who looks to be the size of Andre the Giant and his face... well, the best thing I can say to describe it is it's like he has four tiny holes in his big, flat, face, two for the eyes, and one of each for the nose and mouth. This is ugly, and it's made all the worse when you realise that there's ANOTHER bunny with a more appealing model. And any and all remaining goodwill once you hear his voice. It's voiced by Jon "Napeoleon Dynamite" Heder, and if you ever got sick of Napoleon Dynamite's voice over 2004-5, then this is far worse, because he's doing an off-brand Ed Wynn impersonation and as long as he's on screen, he NEVER. SHUTS. THE. FUCK. UP.
And then, unlike the admittedly standard character arc given to Po in the original, Fu just gives Master Shifu (yes, they used the same name as the master in the Kung Fu Panda films, though this may be because "Shifu" just means "Master" in Chinese) some sweet cakes and then he just gives him some kung fu powers because Destiny. And he's such an idiot that it takes him about a hundred attempts to guess who those two creatures in what I think are blackface (or just greasepaint).
On a technical level, this has some really shit lip-sync, although, unlike Kiara the Brave, it at least has the excuse of being originally in Mandarin Chinese, which is a very fundamentally different language from English. And now that I think about it, that's probably the only positive I can give this movie over Kiara the Brave, which was, at least until now, the worst movie I had ever seen. And I think it speaks volumes as to how little effort they put into this that the main voice actors in this film (besides Jon Heder) are Tom Arnold and Rebecca Fucking Black. To be fair, it does have Michael Clarke Duncan giving his last voiceover role as the bad guy, a bear who pretends to be a panda for some reason (and apparently he has Wolverine Claws).
Besides that, the story is kinda what you'd expect from a Kung Fu Panda ripoff. Fu's given kung fu powers and is told to go on a quest for some reason. There is a shitton of padding, and Fu never even uses his martial arts skills. Rebecca Black and the other bunny with the more appealing model have a B-plot that doesn't even have the decency of being a plot, although at least Rebecca Black has decent swordplay skills. By contrast, Fu takes well over two-thirds of the movie just to FORM A FUCKING FIST. He only fights at the end. There's more padding in this film than the diaper aisle at a supermarket.
Overall, I think I found the worst movie I've ever seen. And it doesn't even have a greaser kid with a pencil-thin moustache teleport in to randomly trash-talk the bad guy and then vomit flowers, so that's one less redeeming quality.
And they even end on "Kung Fu Fighting" like the original!
The opening scene seems like it could be trying for a decent knockoff, but then, we see our hero Fu. Fu is a giant white rabbit who looks to be the size of Andre the Giant and his face... well, the best thing I can say to describe it is it's like he has four tiny holes in his big, flat, face, two for the eyes, and one of each for the nose and mouth. This is ugly, and it's made all the worse when you realise that there's ANOTHER bunny with a more appealing model. And any and all remaining goodwill once you hear his voice. It's voiced by Jon "Napeoleon Dynamite" Heder, and if you ever got sick of Napoleon Dynamite's voice over 2004-5, then this is far worse, because he's doing an off-brand Ed Wynn impersonation and as long as he's on screen, he NEVER. SHUTS. THE. FUCK. UP.
And then, unlike the admittedly standard character arc given to Po in the original, Fu just gives Master Shifu (yes, they used the same name as the master in the Kung Fu Panda films, though this may be because "Shifu" just means "Master" in Chinese) some sweet cakes and then he just gives him some kung fu powers because Destiny. And he's such an idiot that it takes him about a hundred attempts to guess who those two creatures in what I think are blackface (or just greasepaint).
On a technical level, this has some really shit lip-sync, although, unlike Kiara the Brave, it at least has the excuse of being originally in Mandarin Chinese, which is a very fundamentally different language from English. And now that I think about it, that's probably the only positive I can give this movie over Kiara the Brave, which was, at least until now, the worst movie I had ever seen. And I think it speaks volumes as to how little effort they put into this that the main voice actors in this film (besides Jon Heder) are Tom Arnold and Rebecca Fucking Black. To be fair, it does have Michael Clarke Duncan giving his last voiceover role as the bad guy, a bear who pretends to be a panda for some reason (and apparently he has Wolverine Claws).
Besides that, the story is kinda what you'd expect from a Kung Fu Panda ripoff. Fu's given kung fu powers and is told to go on a quest for some reason. There is a shitton of padding, and Fu never even uses his martial arts skills. Rebecca Black and the other bunny with the more appealing model have a B-plot that doesn't even have the decency of being a plot, although at least Rebecca Black has decent swordplay skills. By contrast, Fu takes well over two-thirds of the movie just to FORM A FUCKING FIST. He only fights at the end. There's more padding in this film than the diaper aisle at a supermarket.
Overall, I think I found the worst movie I've ever seen. And it doesn't even have a greaser kid with a pencil-thin moustache teleport in to randomly trash-talk the bad guy and then vomit flowers, so that's one less redeeming quality.
And they even end on "Kung Fu Fighting" like the original!
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.