RE: The Last Movie You Watched
October 6, 2020 at 8:43 pm
(This post was last modified: October 6, 2020 at 8:45 pm by Rev. Rye.)
This week in the Deep Hurting Project, possibly the last movie I'll check out of the local library for the Project for quite some time (unless the So Bad It's Horrible/Film lists get updated on TVTropes, or the Atlas Shrugged trilogy finally gets returned): Ouija. Yes, Hasbro made a movie based on the Ouija board. You know, say what you will about Battleship, but at least the elements of gameplay had an inherent sense of rising action and climax. I never played with one of them (fruits of life in a conservative Christian sect and all), but I don't really see that in the Ouija board. But what of the film itself? So, we begin with an incantation: Spirits that haunt this house. Tell me...what was we talkin' 'bout?
And, surprisingly, despite getting savaged by critics, it made enough money to get a sequel, one that somehow managed to get Certified Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. Because of this, while I may watch it in the future, it's not a part of the Deep Hurting Project. So, next week, assuming all goes well with my septotomy on Friday, and TVTropes' editors don't add any other films to the list, I'm going to take on Netflix' Pets United.
- And we're off to a good start with the opening scene, showing two girls playing Ouija as kids... and the planchette is clearly dated 2013, the year before it was filmed, and the main movie is meant to take place at least a decade later
- And it turns out that the three rules that the movie gives are different from the ones Hasbro gives... and even then, there's 25 traditional rules to a Ouija board.
- Okay, so of the three rules given in the film, two have equivalents on the Ghost Investigation Team list: 1) Never use the Ouija Board alone! and 2) Never use the Ouija in a graveyard or a place where a terrible death has occurred or you will bring forth malevolent entities. That second part of Rule 2 is not in the film. In fact, one character says "this is where Debbie died. We have to play here."
- It's a third of the way through, and this movie's given me nothing to work with except that even I know they're doing it wrong and I've never actually played Ouija. Everyone is as flat as the cardboard the board was probably made on. The only scares in this movie so far were the reveal that the board somehow survived getting burned, Debbie's Death by Christmas Lights, and a random jump scare 28 minutes in.
- Well, at least the jump scares are picking up. I mean, I know jump scares are cliche as all fuck and this movie doesn't do them well, but at least it's better than 40 minutes of mostly nothing.
- So, a Ouija board has created a shitton of problems for them, so what's the best solution? To play it again, of course!
- Well, it's nice to know that they've somehow managed to resurrect a whole chain of Chuck E. Cheese's wannabes.
- Making videos of you playing Ouija by yourself? That just seems kind of sad and counterproductive.
- So, this girl's mouth has somehow sewn itself shut while she was flossing. And she didn't get the idea to take it by one end and pull it out?
- And she didn't mention until late in the discussion that she used a Ouija board?
- So getting your lips sewn shut is a communicable disease now? Like one person with their lips sewn shut screams at another person, the other person gets the stitches?
- So, if the mother's not the villain, and is, indeed, trying to stop the real villain, who's still trapped in the board, then how does she manage to kill from within the board?
And, surprisingly, despite getting savaged by critics, it made enough money to get a sequel, one that somehow managed to get Certified Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. Because of this, while I may watch it in the future, it's not a part of the Deep Hurting Project. So, next week, assuming all goes well with my septotomy on Friday, and TVTropes' editors don't add any other films to the list, I'm going to take on Netflix' Pets United.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
![[Image: harmlesskitchen.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/yxR97P23/harmlesskitchen.png)
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
![[Image: harmlesskitchen.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/yxR97P23/harmlesskitchen.png)
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.