Stop me from chasing religion, for the love of G- oh...

[Angrboda]

As a Taoist, I have my own responses to the question of meaning and nihilism (as well as psychological ones), but the best response I've heard from the atheist perspective is this. Theists are given to ask atheists how they can keep going if their life has no ultimate meaning. To that question, the atheist points out that we have enduring relationships and marriages, and these don't last forever either. Does that make our experience of them and loving relationships an empty experience? No, of course not. We have family we grew up with, does the fact that we eventually have to move away cheapen our childhoods? I don't think so. The fact that something is temporary, limited, or only relative to us, these do not make it meaningless.

This is a recurring theme, and not being personally afflicted with it, I haven't thought overly deeply about it. To me, intuitively, worrying about nihilism seems silly, though I suspect I too had such thoughts when I was younger. Perhaps it's just a form of anxiety: a fear of an unknown danger. And that would make sense for you, given your mental history, as anxiety is a common symptom of OCD and depression. And I don't know that I have anything more helpful to add on that score.


As to your addiction to religion, some of that appears tinged with obsession and anxiety as well. As noted elsewhere, I've gone through periods lasting several weeks in which Buddhism was of great importance, and I would buy lots of books and read and meditate, then one day, "poof," it would be gone, and I would be my normal self again. As a word of caution, take everything I say with a grain of salt, as I'm not a professional; if something I say strikes a chord, discuss it with a professional before acting on it. It does sound though, like as much as the content is worrisome, which I can understand, but the obsessive and anxious way it takes control of your life seems to be the more troublesome part of the equation. I'm very religious myself, but I'm quite detached about such things, likely constitutionally; I believe religious things, but not in the intense, "I gotta find an answer! Now!" kind of way. Regardless, I suspect you're hurting yourself more than other people. You can be an atheist and be a good person, but religious people can be good people, too. As long as you're not doing bad things, I wouldn't worry about the toggling; change is what people do. You just seem to do it more intensely, and perhaps frequently.

Carl Jung once said that good advice is doubtful remedy, it's a good thing it's so seldom followed. If this behavior which troubles you is a consequence of your mental state, this advice will likely not result in improvement; though if so, perhaps in consultation with professionals, you can develop ways of managing it. If this is not an abnormality, then I'd suggest letting yourself relax and enjoy the ride. There's nothing wrong with being religious as a hobby, so long as it doesn't lead you to do bad things. (I recall a conversation with a gentleman on the chairlift when I was skiing one day, and I was explaining about how I was trying to correct some flaws in my form. As he exited the lift, his advice to me was, "Fuck form, have fun." I didn't take the advice well at the time, either, but some of us --->me<--- have a tendency to make everything very serious; as a matter of fact, that's one aspect about religious belief that I hypothesize that we choose religions which encourage us to act in ways which are hard for us to do naturally. Thus my Taoism helps me concentrate on becoming strong at things I'm naturally weak at.)

And in regards not taking things so seriously, I find that many people have a great problem with the answer, "I don't know." Granted, yours may be a little something else, but many people haven't learned to be comfortable with simply not knowing. In an argument, people will flail about madly in an effort to avoid having to admit they simply don't know. (And I've encountered numerous ad hoc explanations of religion from atheists that could have used a healthy shot in the arm of, "I don't know.") "I don't know is the very foundation of science and skepticism (and philosophy); there is nothing inherently bad about not knowing. However, our culture, and likely our evolved psychology, teach us differently. Again, this may be especially hard for you, but try to learn to be at peace with not knowing.

There's also a book I'd like to recommend, though as with anything else, it's advisable to use it in consultation with a professional (specifically one who offers CBT). The book is by David Burns, M.D. It sounds dopey, but it's actually a very good book. The bulk of the book consists of exercises based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which you can use to, over the course of time, teach your brain/mind better ways to respond to triggering thoughts or stimulii which provoke anxious, depressed or other unhealthy thought patterns in response to the stimulii.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Welcome!