Confrontation and Friendly Assertion

[Jason Jarred]

Hi all!
(exclamation mark used in an attempt to infuse some energy into the beginning of the post )
I want to hear about your experiences being assertive with friends, family, colleagues, and instances where you have had to confront people over an issue. Did you lose your temper and start shouting? Did you remain calm and self composed?

It's been a journey for me, particularly over the past 8 years that I have worked in government and have had to assert myself to both colleagues and managers. It's quite surprising how few people are able to positively assert themselves in a friendly manner, without being an arse
In fact, it's taken me many years to reach the point where I am happy to tell somebody that they are doing something I do not like, and if there is some compromise we could reach so that we are both happy (or the behaviour/action changes). On the opposite end, I am happy to be on the recieving end and compromise with people if they have a problem with something I am doing - I find this approach does wonders for developing relationships with others.

I also believe though, that to reach this point takes a certain amount of emotional maturity, facing challenges, and *not* expecting or thinking the worst of people.

To give an example from my personal experience - a couple of months ago I moved into a new house. I called the electrical company to have electricity connected, and they had problems identifying which unit was mine on their system. The next couple of days I received a letter under my door from my upstairs neighbour, which said something along the lines of
"Hey Mr Jarred, I am an owner occupier in unit 1. My electricity has been cut off, you have stolen my address and my energy account. Surely you can read? The address on the lease you signed should have read unit 18"
and it went on a little while like this. I neglected to answer the letter for two reasons:

1) It was written in a childish, defensive, aggressive manner, not deserving of a response
2) He could have spoken to me and found out directly that I wasn't responsible for giving the energy company the wrong address, rather they screwed up the connection on their end
3) I would be enabling his behaviour by responding
(the third reason is a bonus :p)

The story continues. Ever since this time (approx the last 3-4 weeks) he has been playing his TV incredibly loud, sometimes until 4am! I have lived with this, spending the occasional night on the lounge and generally having a miserable time. You might ask why I didn't approach him sooner? Any guesses? Yes, I was strongly suspicious that it was a deliberate 'pay back' after his electricity had been cut off a month prior, and I did not want to reward his childish behaviour by giving in.
Unfortunately it just became too much this week. This TV was being play *loud*, I could literally hear every word of every commercial as I lay in bed. My partner and I went outside, pressed on his door buzzer and stood there for a couple of minutes, heard the floor creak as he walked across the room, but he never answered.
We went back to our bedroom, and the TV had magically turned itself down.

Same process last night, exactly the same. His tv was actually turned *up* at 10:45pm, we buzzed him, heard the floor creak as he walked across, we went back to bed and the TV had turned down.

I have to question myself, what sort of people live in a world where they want to play these sorts of games? I don't feel victimised, quite the opposite in fact - I feel empowered that I have done my best to approach him about his issues (yes, notice I italicised 'his'. I do not and will not take responsibility for others issues or emotionally retarded personalities) and to resolve the issue.

I wonder how he feels? I have to wonder if he planned to come home every night and turn his TV up just to annoy us, but the better part of me says "no, don't think that. He might just be hard of hearing, or he may like to walk around doing housework etc as he listens to the TV like my mum does".

I can't believe how many experiences I have had like this one since living here, I think that perhaps large cities breed people of this nature - I'll just do my best to maintain my country boy attitude :p
Anyway that's just one of my (almost) encounters since I have lived in Sydney, I'm interested to hear your stories of confrontation and conflict and how you've dealt with the situation.