I've already talked to my sister and one of my IRL friends about this, but I was hoping to get some perspective from you guys too. I just can't see the trees. This is going to be long...
Right after 9/11, my best friend at the time and I decided we wanted to go to Europe because plane tickets were cheap and the following summer would be my last before I graduated (I graduated in December), plus we wanted to make sure we got some traveling done just in case the world changed and we wouldn't be able to in the future. We spent the school year planning, saving, and getting excited to spend a summer in Europe.
That July, we flew into Madrid, and a couple of days later, we took a train to Paris, where we only planned on staying a couple of days... until I met an Australian named Dale at our hostel the day we arrived. Dale and I fell in love, practically at first sight. We spent eight days together in Paris, and then went our separate ways, only to find ourselves following each other around Europe. Two weeks after we met, he proposed marriage in Vienna, and I found myself saying yes, and actually being excited about it. I've never been one to want to get married, but Dale was the exception.
Eventually, real life had to step in, and we flew back to our respective countries with plans for me to move to Oz after graduation. We struggled through an LDR (they were even harder back then) until he came to the States for Thanksgiving, Christmas, my Senior Recital (Music major), and to meet my family. I graduated, and a few months later, after selling all my stuff, I headed to Oz. I had been accepted to a graduate program at one of the Universities, and my advisor had assured me I would get grant money because, "all international students get grant money". I was stoked and ready.
When I got to Australia I was informed that they weren't giving money to American students because there was pushback over George W's Shock and Awe campaign from people funding the school. They didn't want to have anything to do with the US. With my stress over that, not being able to get a job without the proper visas, and no one wanting to give me an under-the-table job, I was extremely depressed. I was living like a housewife- my biggest nightmare. Meanwhile, Dale and I hadn't known each other long enough, so the De Facto Spouse visa was off-limits, and we just fought and fought and fought with each other. After three months, I went to Auckland due to tourist visa restrictions. I came back a week later finding myself extremely and (though I didn't know it at the time) unreasonably resentful toward Dale.
Over the following month, I had a couple of panic attacks, and decided to come back to the States. I was dejected and depressed and just all-around not feeling human. When I got settled in, Dale and I talked and we decided to try to make it work, and he was going to try to come to the States. It was a disaster, and we ended up breaking it off for good.
A year later, I moved out here to California with my new boyfriend. Not long after Ed and I broke up (five years later), Dale added me as a friend on Facebook. I was actually really happy to catch up a little with him, but he seemed really down, and didn't want to communicate a whole lot. He posted something, indicating he wanted to do self-harm, I replied sympathetically, and eventually, he either blocked me or deleted his account.
Recently, I've been working on a memoir project. It started as a narrative about all of my past relationships (being 38 and never married, I have a crap ton of stories to tell about my dating life), but has quickly turned into a project detailing my Europe trip and the ensuing Australian one. Last August, my sister and I took a road trip across the country after cleaning our stuff out of our mom's basement in Upstate NY. I'm now in possession of all of my pictures and keepsakes, and I'm getting extremely nostalgic going through everything from Europe and Oz. I feel like I should get in touch with Dale and share all the nice things we did together and things we shared. I'm finding myself obsessed with this. If I could get in touch with him directly, I would have probably done it already. The problem is, I've taken social media for granted for way too long, and once he dropped off Facebook, I lost direct contact.
Recently, LinkedIn has been trying to get me to connect with his brother, and I'm thinking about sending him a message something like this:
"Hi there E,
This is Becca- Dale’s old American girlfriend. I hope you’re well.
I’m not sure why, but LinkedIn keeps suggesting you as a contact lately, and the timing is interesting because I’m writing a memoir mainly concerning my time with your brother. It’s been fun going through twenty-or-so rolls of film, reading notes, remembering the logistics of getting him to the States and then me to Oz… We weren’t very kind to each other at the end, so I’ve been struggling over whether or not to try to get in touch with him. We were Facebook friends for a bit, and then he dropped off or de-friended me or something. It’s amazing how much we (or at least I) take social connections for granted these days; I have no other way of getting in touch with Dale except through you on this platform. I’m sorry for that. I just hope you’re in the habit of checking your LinkedIn messages.
I hope you’re not put off by my request; I do only mean good things with this. What I’m asking is that you would either let me know that it’s a bad idea to connect with Dale, and if you say that, I won’t bother you or your family again, or, if you think it would be ok, ask him to email or call me? I would be extremely grateful.
Thank you,
Becca"
What do you guys think? Should I send that message? At this point, I think it's either that, or drop the idea.
Thanks for reading
Right after 9/11, my best friend at the time and I decided we wanted to go to Europe because plane tickets were cheap and the following summer would be my last before I graduated (I graduated in December), plus we wanted to make sure we got some traveling done just in case the world changed and we wouldn't be able to in the future. We spent the school year planning, saving, and getting excited to spend a summer in Europe.
That July, we flew into Madrid, and a couple of days later, we took a train to Paris, where we only planned on staying a couple of days... until I met an Australian named Dale at our hostel the day we arrived. Dale and I fell in love, practically at first sight. We spent eight days together in Paris, and then went our separate ways, only to find ourselves following each other around Europe. Two weeks after we met, he proposed marriage in Vienna, and I found myself saying yes, and actually being excited about it. I've never been one to want to get married, but Dale was the exception.
Eventually, real life had to step in, and we flew back to our respective countries with plans for me to move to Oz after graduation. We struggled through an LDR (they were even harder back then) until he came to the States for Thanksgiving, Christmas, my Senior Recital (Music major), and to meet my family. I graduated, and a few months later, after selling all my stuff, I headed to Oz. I had been accepted to a graduate program at one of the Universities, and my advisor had assured me I would get grant money because, "all international students get grant money". I was stoked and ready.
When I got to Australia I was informed that they weren't giving money to American students because there was pushback over George W's Shock and Awe campaign from people funding the school. They didn't want to have anything to do with the US. With my stress over that, not being able to get a job without the proper visas, and no one wanting to give me an under-the-table job, I was extremely depressed. I was living like a housewife- my biggest nightmare. Meanwhile, Dale and I hadn't known each other long enough, so the De Facto Spouse visa was off-limits, and we just fought and fought and fought with each other. After three months, I went to Auckland due to tourist visa restrictions. I came back a week later finding myself extremely and (though I didn't know it at the time) unreasonably resentful toward Dale.
Over the following month, I had a couple of panic attacks, and decided to come back to the States. I was dejected and depressed and just all-around not feeling human. When I got settled in, Dale and I talked and we decided to try to make it work, and he was going to try to come to the States. It was a disaster, and we ended up breaking it off for good.
A year later, I moved out here to California with my new boyfriend. Not long after Ed and I broke up (five years later), Dale added me as a friend on Facebook. I was actually really happy to catch up a little with him, but he seemed really down, and didn't want to communicate a whole lot. He posted something, indicating he wanted to do self-harm, I replied sympathetically, and eventually, he either blocked me or deleted his account.
Recently, I've been working on a memoir project. It started as a narrative about all of my past relationships (being 38 and never married, I have a crap ton of stories to tell about my dating life), but has quickly turned into a project detailing my Europe trip and the ensuing Australian one. Last August, my sister and I took a road trip across the country after cleaning our stuff out of our mom's basement in Upstate NY. I'm now in possession of all of my pictures and keepsakes, and I'm getting extremely nostalgic going through everything from Europe and Oz. I feel like I should get in touch with Dale and share all the nice things we did together and things we shared. I'm finding myself obsessed with this. If I could get in touch with him directly, I would have probably done it already. The problem is, I've taken social media for granted for way too long, and once he dropped off Facebook, I lost direct contact.
Recently, LinkedIn has been trying to get me to connect with his brother, and I'm thinking about sending him a message something like this:
"Hi there E,
This is Becca- Dale’s old American girlfriend. I hope you’re well.
I’m not sure why, but LinkedIn keeps suggesting you as a contact lately, and the timing is interesting because I’m writing a memoir mainly concerning my time with your brother. It’s been fun going through twenty-or-so rolls of film, reading notes, remembering the logistics of getting him to the States and then me to Oz… We weren’t very kind to each other at the end, so I’ve been struggling over whether or not to try to get in touch with him. We were Facebook friends for a bit, and then he dropped off or de-friended me or something. It’s amazing how much we (or at least I) take social connections for granted these days; I have no other way of getting in touch with Dale except through you on this platform. I’m sorry for that. I just hope you’re in the habit of checking your LinkedIn messages.
I hope you’re not put off by my request; I do only mean good things with this. What I’m asking is that you would either let me know that it’s a bad idea to connect with Dale, and if you say that, I won’t bother you or your family again, or, if you think it would be ok, ask him to email or call me? I would be extremely grateful.
Thank you,
Becca"
What do you guys think? Should I send that message? At this point, I think it's either that, or drop the idea.
Thanks for reading
