RE: How's Everyone Feeling Right Meow?
October 11, 2016 at 1:25 pm
(This post was last modified: October 11, 2016 at 3:11 pm by Excited Penguin.)
Forgot how that felt like...
I feel like I can't even talk about how I feel because of a bad precedent set by someone else. So that sucks, I guess.
But I can talk about my resolve, though. I'm never even going back. There's too much pain behind that door. Thankfully, I'm able to just ignore it. That's a mental skill I'll never be sorry I have. I can ignore my feelings about any one topic at will. Or can I still? I've allowed myself to feel too much, lately. Maybe that will come at a price. Maybe the bloodsucking demon will come to collect.
I'm simply terrified. The kind of pain that hides behind that door is just a little too much. I've never handled anything like that. Hell, I've been avoiding and ignoring my own emotions my whole life. Just turned them off completely. I can't deal with them like a normal person. I don't know... I don't know what I'm going to do if it hits me unawares. It might be tomorrow. It might be a month from now. It might never happen and I'll still be haunted by the thought.
I know this. I can't go back. There's nothing there. I have to keep ignoring it. There's only pain. There's nothing else.
Let me cling to the illusion that everything's fine and that the floor didn't just vanish right from under my feet. Maybe I'll regain some footing, eventually, and I'll be able to swim in deep waters again without having to climb that mountain first.
I feel like I can't even talk about how I feel because of a bad precedent set by someone else. So that sucks, I guess.
But I can talk about my resolve, though. I'm never even going back. There's too much pain behind that door. Thankfully, I'm able to just ignore it. That's a mental skill I'll never be sorry I have. I can ignore my feelings about any one topic at will. Or can I still? I've allowed myself to feel too much, lately. Maybe that will come at a price. Maybe the bloodsucking demon will come to collect.
I'm simply terrified. The kind of pain that hides behind that door is just a little too much. I've never handled anything like that. Hell, I've been avoiding and ignoring my own emotions my whole life. Just turned them off completely. I can't deal with them like a normal person. I don't know... I don't know what I'm going to do if it hits me unawares. It might be tomorrow. It might be a month from now. It might never happen and I'll still be haunted by the thought.
I know this. I can't go back. There's nothing there. I have to keep ignoring it. There's only pain. There's nothing else.
Let me cling to the illusion that everything's fine and that the floor didn't just vanish right from under my feet. Maybe I'll regain some footing, eventually, and I'll be able to swim in deep waters again without having to climb that mountain first.