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Confrontation and Friendly Assertion
#1
Confrontation and Friendly Assertion
Hi all!
(exclamation mark used in an attempt to infuse some energy into the beginning of the post Tongue)
I want to hear about your experiences being assertive with friends, family, colleagues, and instances where you have had to confront people over an issue. Did you lose your temper and start shouting? Did you remain calm and self composed?

It's been a journey for me, particularly over the past 8 years that I have worked in government and have had to assert myself to both colleagues and managers. It's quite surprising how few people are able to positively assert themselves in a friendly manner, without being an arse Big Grin
In fact, it's taken me many years to reach the point where I am happy to tell somebody that they are doing something I do not like, and if there is some compromise we could reach so that we are both happy (or the behaviour/action changes). On the opposite end, I am happy to be on the recieving end and compromise with people if they have a problem with something I am doing - I find this approach does wonders for developing relationships with others.

I also believe though, that to reach this point takes a certain amount of emotional maturity, facing challenges, and *not* expecting or thinking the worst of people.

To give an example from my personal experience - a couple of months ago I moved into a new house. I called the electrical company to have electricity connected, and they had problems identifying which unit was mine on their system. The next couple of days I received a letter under my door from my upstairs neighbour, which said something along the lines of
"Hey Mr Jarred, I am an owner occupier in unit 1. My electricity has been cut off, you have stolen my address and my energy account. Surely you can read? The address on the lease you signed should have read unit 18"
and it went on a little while like this. I neglected to answer the letter for two reasons:

1) It was written in a childish, defensive, aggressive manner, not deserving of a response
2) He could have spoken to me and found out directly that I wasn't responsible for giving the energy company the wrong address, rather they screwed up the connection on their end
3) I would be enabling his behaviour by responding
(the third reason is a bonus :p)

The story continues. Ever since this time (approx the last 3-4 weeks) he has been playing his TV incredibly loud, sometimes until 4am! I have lived with this, spending the occasional night on the lounge and generally having a miserable time. You might ask why I didn't approach him sooner? Any guesses? Yes, I was strongly suspicious that it was a deliberate 'pay back' after his electricity had been cut off a month prior, and I did not want to reward his childish behaviour by giving in.
Unfortunately it just became too much this week. This TV was being play *loud*, I could literally hear every word of every commercial as I lay in bed. My partner and I went outside, pressed on his door buzzer and stood there for a couple of minutes, heard the floor creak as he walked across the room, but he never answered.
We went back to our bedroom, and the TV had magically turned itself down.

Same process last night, exactly the same. His tv was actually turned *up* at 10:45pm, we buzzed him, heard the floor creak as he walked across, we went back to bed and the TV had turned down.

I have to question myself, what sort of people live in a world where they want to play these sorts of games? I don't feel victimised, quite the opposite in fact - I feel empowered that I have done my best to approach him about his issues (yes, notice I italicised 'his'. I do not and will not take responsibility for others issues or emotionally retarded personalities) and to resolve the issue.

I wonder how he feels? I have to wonder if he planned to come home every night and turn his TV up just to annoy us, but the better part of me says "no, don't think that. He might just be hard of hearing, or he may like to walk around doing housework etc as he listens to the TV like my mum does".

I can't believe how many experiences I have had like this one since living here, I think that perhaps large cities breed people of this nature - I'll just do my best to maintain my country boy attitude :p
Anyway that's just one of my (almost) encounters since I have lived in Sydney, I'm interested to hear your stories of confrontation and conflict and how you've dealt with the situation.
Atheism as a Religion
-------------------
A man also or woman that hath a Macintosh, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with used and abandoned Windows 3.1 floppy disks: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27
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#2
RE: Confrontation and Friendly Assertion
If I ever get a letter like that I usually write a witty reply that makes them feel extremely guilty over their behaviour. If they fail to see how they are wrong and continue, I would ignore it. As for the TV thing, if someone ever did that and simply ignored me when I buzzed the doorbell or tried to contact them to get it turned down, a simple call to the police will suffice.
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#3
RE: Confrontation and Friendly Assertion
I recently solved a problem with my roomates by being direct about how I feel.

I live in a 1st floor apartment with 2 other girls named Jackie and Kathryn. (Yes, I have the same name as my roommate, it's not that confusing though.) Anyway, this living situation was arranged by craigslist. In essence we rent a room and share common areas. We never knew each other before living together. Unfortunately levels of clealiness vary and Kathryn seems to be the worst of the 3 of us. We don't have a dishwasher so dishes would pile up in the sink. There was one instance when the dish was full of disgusting dishes. I knew some where mine but not the majority. Nevertheless I resolved to clean them but I had also decided to eat pizza that day. I'm lactose intolerant, so if I eat pizza I use the lactaid pills. They've allowed me to indulge in my favorite food but for soem reason that weekend, they failed and I got horribly sick. The dishes never got down and Jackie came home to a horrible mess after a vacation.

Jackie, isntead of trying to address the problem, chose to remove her dishes. She owned the most, but I owned enough of my own that it wasn't inconvenient. I didn't really care about teh dishes, but the childishness of removing dishes as if to punish us.

But it was insulting and I told her as much. I wrote an email that basically stated I respect the right to do what she wants with her dishes, but I don't think that removing the dishes solves a problem it just covers up a symptom. I expressed my disdain for the lack of sweeping (Kathryn owns a dog that sheds horribly) and general cleanliness. I admitted I didn't do as much as I should and explained it half had to do with being frustrated with other people not cleaning and often times being unable to clean because I have been sick a lot.

The end result was we resolved to be cleaner and go back to the weekly cleaning schedule I myself proposed that had been neglected. A couple weeks later and her dishes are back in the cabinets, although I do not use them anymore. I prefer to, from now own, use my own dishes and never leave my dishes in the sink. Even if there are dishes already there I clean my own immediately after using them, so I'm never contributing to the pile.

It seems to be working so far. I firmly believe that any conflict can only be resolved by talking about it instead of playing stupid revenge games.
"The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason." Benjamin Franklin

::Blogs:: Boston Atheism Examiner - Boston Atheists Blog | :Tongueodcast:: Boston Atheists Report
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#4
RE: Confrontation and Friendly Assertion
(September 12, 2008 at 10:10 am)Eilonnwy Wrote: There was one instance when the dish was full of disgusting dishes.
You *really* don't want to see our kitchen at this moment in time...

I won't say anything other than I live with 3 other guys and we have no clean dishes or cutlery left in the cupboards.
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#5
RE: Confrontation and Friendly Assertion
(September 12, 2008 at 10:10 am)Eilonnwy Wrote: I firmly believe that any conflict can only be resolved by talking about it instead of playing stupid revenge games.

Precisely, and that applies at work, at home, with friendships, partners, family - everything. If we get caught up in playing games (like your friend removing her dishes to wash, instead of saying something to you about the pile) we lose track of actually addressing the issue and building our relationships with each other in the process.

BTW I think buying your own cutlery/crockery is a great idea when sharing with other people, it at least solves part of the dishes problem.
Atheism as a Religion
-------------------
A man also or woman that hath a Macintosh, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with used and abandoned Windows 3.1 floppy disks: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27
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#6
RE: Confrontation and Friendly Assertion
Your choices are:
Ignore the conflict. This sometimes works and the situation changes. Often it makes it worse.
Escape the conflict. Move.
Escalate the conflict. But be prepared to go all the way. Sometimes leads to criminal charges
Resolve the conflict. via dialog and/or mediation. Best choice
'How can you say, "We are wise, for we have the law of the LORD," when actually the lying pen of the scribes has handled it falsely? Jer 8:8
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx
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