coming out

[Anomalocaris]

I think you should be very clear to your, and possibly your wife, if she is part of the reason, why you want to "come out".

Maybe write down those reasons, and rank them against the consequences of coming out.

Remember, honest is always the best policy if it serves your interest best. When it does't serve your interest well, honesty is always a lousy policy.

[liam]

I don't mean to be insensitive to your family situation but if they don't accept that you're atheist then I would say they aren't the kind of parents you stick around for. Especially if they're indoctrinating YOUR children, you should put being a parent before being a child, that's just being responsible. Simply tell them that you're atheist and why and then do what we do to all the other christians on here, shoot their arguments down (that last bit was just a joke, don't worry) but good luck

[Angrboda]

does anyone have any tips for me? it will most likely not happen soon, and i know there isn't a "one size fits all" approach to this. i'm just wanting to kick ideas around in my head and plan it strategically to minimize the pain for me and for them. i recently listened to the thinking atheist podcast where seth discussed this topic, and i like the way he did it by writing an email to his family stating his reasoning, and he did it because it made it to where he could get his point across without being interrupted. i've also thought about doing a video and uploading it to Facebook or youtube and sending it to them for the same reason. i am open to discuss it with them, but i know that it won't be a mutually respectful conversation. my wife says i should do it in person, but i really don't know if there could be a happy ending if i did.

I'm not saying I agree or support this approach, I just want to make a suggestion (or two). First, if you choose this approach, you might combine approaches by setting aside time with them, and then reading the letter to them, or showing them the video, and then being there to talk to them about it, answer questions, head off misunderstandings, etc. Also, it _might_ be good for you to bring a friend, other adult or someone whom you know and trust and whom you can depend on being supportive. This may even be a priest or pastor, whom they might respect more, and whom, if you trust them, you might discuss this with before hand (and if you don't trust their pastor, maybe talk to a pastor from a different church; I understand you may mistrust such people, but they probably deal with a lot of these situations from both sides of the fence). The negative is, bringing anyone along with you may be seen as confrontational or disrespectful; that depends on you, the person, and your family; if you don't bring someone with, a second would be to have someone supportive waiting in case you need support after your encounter with your family. I would have to say it's likely unwise to include significant others in this role (as accompanying you), as that can lead to bad things. If you have a sibling, or someone in your extended family who you feel might be supportive and understanding, you might talk to them beforehand.

[ohh EPiC FAiL]

I do kind of like the idea of writing a letter and reading it to them. My wife will be with me for support and with my parents and the way they are, I think she'll be the best person to have with me since it would be coming out to them for her as well. My parents have always made every decision together and supported eachother, so I think it would be important for them to know my wife supports and agrees with me. Bringing their preacher isn't an option because their church has been through a couple since I stopped going and therefore I haven't met them, and the way they run their church there's no way he would ever want to help me with it. If anything, their preacher would want to bring me in to talk to the elders so they could all pile on and attack me.

It makes it hard that I'm a very non confrontational person and I know this will be a confrontation at the very least. I know how their faith owns their lives, and they taught me from a young age NEVER to disrespect authority and do everything that said authority says, and they still act as though they have authority over me even though they don't. They've also done a lot of things to help my wife and I out without ever expecting anything in return or bringing up religion. They bring up religion very casually, perhaps to act friendly to try to suck me back in.

Their church is the church of Christ, the nondenominational kind where there's no musical instruments and women aren't allowed to go before the congregation for any reason other than to be baptized.

[brunostolosa]

I honestly think some people overcomplicate these things.. I imagine it must be easier for me to say as my family (and thus my upbringing) was free from religion, and I didn't really have to "come out."

These things are generally better discussed in person, although I think there isn't a yes or no answer here. The key thing is that you need to ensure you communicate to your folks in a way that they that your views make you happy. Atheism, at the end of the day, is pro-life and drives me to live intensely. To go out and achieve, make things happen.. Just avoid getting into any sort of discussions in the very beginning (e.g creation vs reason, etc etc).

Good luck talking to your family, mate!

[herbys]

Whatever you do, don't tell them "I'm an atheist". Religious people often give significant importance to labels. They probably don't care as much about your beliefs as they care about what you "are".
If you tell them "I'm a rationalist, which means I have decided to only believe in things I can understand, for which I see evidence and which I can explain rationally" they will probably be a bit confused and concerned, but they won't think you are evil because, in their minds, religion fits all that criteria. But from then on whenever you say something that contradicts religious beliefs, they'll know where you are coming from.
After a while, they will one day say "hey, you are an atheist then!". You can then either say Yes, or just keep the "Rationalist" label. But whatever you do, it will not be a shock for them and they will most likely accept you as you are.
If you go the "I'm an atheist" road, you'll create a shock and a barrier to communication which will be very difficult to break.

[ohh EPiC FAiL]

Yeah I can't decide if I want to call myself an atheist, nontheist, secular humanist or what. Part of me wants to stand up and just proclaim that I'm an atheist, but part of me wants to try to make it peaceful. I just feel like if I use a different word it would be deceptive and cowardly.

[herbys]

This is a whole separate debate and I wouldn't want to hijack you thread, but is an "atheist" what you really are? Can you be defined by what you don't believe in? I define myself as Rational or "a rationalist" because that is what I think I am. If someone ever came up with a demonstration that God exists that really works (e.g. God himself presented to the world in a way that the most likely explanation is not that we suddenly became mad) I don't think I would be an Atheist anymore, as that wouldn't be the rational thing to do. I have nothing against the existence of deities, it is just that all the evidence points to their non-existence.
If you don't believe in deities just because that's your decision, then I would call you an atheist. If you don't believe in god because you follow reason and you think that rational analysis indicates believing in a god is not warranted, then you may also be an atheist, but you are primarily a rational person, and it wouldn't be lying to define yourself as that.

[ohh EPiC FAiL]

well, i've written my letter and revised it a couple times. i may post it up here if anyone cares to read it. it's currently about 4 pages of single spaced font, so i plan on trying to condense it a bit. i plan to keep revising and revising it until i can get it to the point where i feel like it gets my feelings across without anything that they could take as a personal attack on them before i send/give/read it to them.

[Brian37]

Honestly if you are depending right now because of cost of living, on sharing living space, that would be a risk. Your kid comes first and your kid needs a roof over his head no matter what. While your openness is appreciated here, that is something neither you or your parents should have any right to pull him into any possible conflict that might affect him.

I'd say save your money and then when you can get your own place, it wont be as much as a problem if their reaction is that negative.