Advice needed: My philosophical position is destroying my relationships

[hyperpolyglotte]

Hi all! This is my first post - I found this forum because I'd really like the advice of fellow atheists; I hope this thread is the appropriate one for this topic! I travel a lot in religious Latin countries so I rarely meet other atheists in person and so, I thought I could turn to this forum!

When philosophical discussions come up I usually try to avoid it because I am very bad at expressing my opinions and arguing a point (and usually am not talking in English when it happens, which makes it even harder) and I'm not usually in the company of analytical and scientifically minded people so I've found that less conflicts and arguments occur when I simply bite my tongue.

But when I'm in a relationship with someone it's different. I need to be open and frank and honest with that person. Today yet another relationship of mine has ended because I shared my beliefs with the girl. In an ideal world I'd only go out with other atheists.. but that's very difficult in the circles I am usually in. I can "put up" with a girl being religious if we get along in every other way, but the way I express my thoughts mean that the reverse is never true... the way I say what I want to say always comes out too harsh and offends the other person.

I'd really love for some encouragement or tips from someone who has been in a similar situation!! I need to express myself better; how do you defend your thoughts without offending the other person? I'm very clear that I am certain about my beliefs and frankly do not respect theirs. Is there any way to say this without just lying? Also, if anyone has links to how to argue your case I'd appreciate it if I am in a discussion with anyone. I grew up in a catholic environment and was a believer until I went to university and took part in many philosophical discussions and read a lot about the subject. I'm very analytically minded, but this logical approach of explaining myself never works with people I am usually with.

Sorry for the rambling post... hope someone here can help me out!! Thanks

[Tiberius]

Hey hyperpolyglotte! Could you please also post a thread in the Introductions forum so we can get to know you better? Have a read of some of the ones there if you wish; we find it better to build a community if everyone gets a chance to know a new person properly.

I'm afraid I won't be able to answer your question very well. I've had some bad relationships in the past with theists and now as a rule I don't date them. It's the only way I can avoid all the arguments that comes from being with a person who in my opinion is deluded.

[HalcyonicTrust]

Welcome hyperpolyglotte. I never would date a theist as rule - I'd only be willing if they were willing to argue with me 24/7, and that's not only absurdly impractical but it's just never going to happen. So I don't. I don't know what I'd do if I lived in a much more firmly religious country as yourself, whether I'd be any different...so I'm afraid I can't help much either

But anyway, welcome to the forums...many here are ex-theists and hopefully someone will give you a good piece of advice - and until then, welcome

EvF

[Retorth]

Well my situation is very different. I'm dating a girl who is a theist but thankfully she isn't extreme in any way with her beliefs. Furthermore, she knows I'm an Atheist but religion has yet to get in our way.

You just have to find someone who accepts and loves you for who you are. If that girl dumped you solely because of your beliefs, then she has a serious problem. Well, it would be a loss for her because she can't appreciate the real you. Don't fret, my brother from another mother I assure you, a girl who truly respects you for your beliefs and accepts them wholeheartedly will show.

Oh and welcome to the forums man!

[hyperpolyglotte]

@Tiberius
OK! Done Introduced myself here. I think I can get a lot out of these forums, so it's good to really become part of the community!
@EvF & @Retorth
Yes, I'm sure the right girl will come along eventually... but as a sceptic I'm not leaving anything up to destiny!! I may have to compromise, so that's why I'd like to find a better way of expressing myself. In an ideal world the girl would like a good argument, but this isn't a topic many theists actually want to really "discuss" if it isn't obvious that they will convert you soon (considering I was already a theist and changed after years of reflection, converting me back is next to impossible!!)
So I'm really wondering if I can phrase my thoughts more "sensitively" so that they can understand my point of view without getting so personally offended. I've gone out with theists before for ages with no problem. But when the discussion comes up and I am totally honest, everything explodes. Maybe I just need to tone down my frankness... but that wouldn't be honest!
Thanks for the welcome everyone!! Hopefully the next girl will be the female version of me, but without that happening I need to adapt to the situation

[leo-rcc]

The only thing I can give you is establish that there is a common ground. There are plenty of things that she will not believe in either.

Furthermore, don't kid yourself. It doesn't matter how far you bend over backwards to appease the theist, there will always be one that will be offended. I have a few friends and co-workers who believe in something or other, and just to keep the peace we agreed not to discuss these issues with each other.

[Violet Lilly Blossom]

If a person will leave you for something so simple as not believing in their god: there was no connection to begin with.

[hyperpolyglotte]

Good points... but it was also my fault for scaring her away. I was quite insensitive in how I argued my point and could have done it better. It's not that I keep meeting girls that are easily offended... it's that *I* tend to easily offend them by my lack of tact when trying to express myself

[fr0d0]

In western countries I don't think there's the social pressure to be so much associated with any specific worldview. Maybe in immigrant communities trying to maintain cohesion.

In my mind all you can do is be honest up front. I don't really see a problem with mixed worldviews. It depends how central to your life. Sure, if a person regards their worldview central to their personality then a differing worldview may conflict. That works both ways of course.

[Violet Lilly Blossom]

If one needs 'tact'... then they are not dating the right person.