30 Funny Dwight Schrute Quotes
August 28, 2013 at 7:10 am
(This post was last modified: August 28, 2013 at 7:41 am by The Reality Salesman01.)
Some of you may have noticed that I changed my avatar to Dwight Schrute from the American version of The Office. Others rightly don't give a fuck. Anyway, I know the UK version was the original, but in case some of you didn't know, the US started one that was actually funny. 
I was looking at these hilarious quotes and thought I'd share them. Enjoy...(I've bolded some of the ones that made me laugh out loud while reading them to myself)
![[Image: dwight_schrute.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=www.energyburrito.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F02%2Fdwight_schrute.jpg)
30. Loyalty
“Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.”
29. Speed Scale
“I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther.”
28. Security
“Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”
27. Every Position
“I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.”
26. Superior Brain Power
“Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.”
25. A Long Line of Fighters
“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”
24. Dwight Surveillance
As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved.
23. Friends
“And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.”
22. Pull the Plug
“As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.”
21. Second Life
“I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same…except I could fly.”
20. Accidentally vs. On Purpose
“People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.”
19. Menstruation Wishes
“I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”
18. Ideal Choice
“Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”
17. Healthcare in the Wild
“In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!”
16. Superior Cousins
“Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last!”
15. Regular Ideas
“Now that I own the building I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha…Well I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea.”
14. Immunity Logic
“The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever.”
13. The Person You Least, Medium and Most Suspect
“It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect.”
12. Real Heroes
“No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”
11. Water Cooler Gossip
“It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”
10. Stress
“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”
9. All These People!
“Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
8. The “R” Sound
“No, I disagree. “R” is one of the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder not ‘muckduck’.”
7. A Woman’s Defects
“Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
6.Werewolf Hunting Experience
“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”
5. An Ideal World
“In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.”
4. Attention
“You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.”
3. The Thing About Bear Attacks
“I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for “Grizzly Man” and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cuz that’s the thing about bear attacks… they come when you least expect it.”
2. Resume Critiquing
“Of course Martial arts training is relevant… Uh, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ… You know what, you can go to hell, and I will see you there. Burning!”
1. Yeast Infections
“There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.”
http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/lists...s.html?p=2
I was looking at these hilarious quotes and thought I'd share them. Enjoy...(I've bolded some of the ones that made me laugh out loud while reading them to myself)30. Loyalty
“Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.”
29. Speed Scale
“I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther.”
28. Security
“Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”
27. Every Position
“I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.”
26. Superior Brain Power
“Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.”
25. A Long Line of Fighters
“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”
24. Dwight Surveillance
As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved.
23. Friends
“And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.”
22. Pull the Plug
“As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.”
21. Second Life
“I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same…except I could fly.”
20. Accidentally vs. On Purpose
“People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.”
19. Menstruation Wishes
“I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”
18. Ideal Choice
“Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”
17. Healthcare in the Wild
“In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!”
16. Superior Cousins
“Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last!”
15. Regular Ideas
“Now that I own the building I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha…Well I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea.”
14. Immunity Logic
“The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever.”
13. The Person You Least, Medium and Most Suspect
“It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect.”
12. Real Heroes
“No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”
11. Water Cooler Gossip
“It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”
10. Stress
“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”
9. All These People!
“Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
8. The “R” Sound
“No, I disagree. “R” is one of the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder not ‘muckduck’.”
7. A Woman’s Defects
“Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
6.Werewolf Hunting Experience
“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”
5. An Ideal World
“In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.”
4. Attention
“You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.”
3. The Thing About Bear Attacks
“I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for “Grizzly Man” and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cuz that’s the thing about bear attacks… they come when you least expect it.”
2. Resume Critiquing
“Of course Martial arts training is relevant… Uh, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ… You know what, you can go to hell, and I will see you there. Burning!”
1. Yeast Infections
“There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.”
http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/lists...s.html?p=2
![[Image: YAAgdMk.gif]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i.imgur.com%2FYAAgdMk.gif)
