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Stop Me If You've Heard This One Already...
#1
Stop Me If You've Heard This One Already...
A 5 year old boy goes up to his mother and asks… “Mommy, how old are you?” The mother laughs nervously as she replies… “Oh honey, there are just some things you’re not supposed to ask a lady.”

Curiously, the boy inquires further… “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” Again, nervously, the mother gently replies… “Now honey, that’s another thing you should never ask a lady.”

The young boy, still curious and now frustrated, makes one final attempt at questioning his mother when he asks her… “Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?” The mother, now very focused, carefully replies… “Oh honey, your daddy and I each love you very much. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just a grown-up thing. Please don’t worry about that.”

The next day at school, the boy’s best buddy notices the frustration in his friend and asks him… “Hey, why are you so down today?” The first boy replies… “I feel like my mom is hiding stuff from me. She won’t answer any of my questions.” He tells his buddy the questions his mom wouldn’t answer, and his friend replies… “If you wait until your mom is in the shower, then you can look at her driver’s license - it should have all the answers there.”

Excited, the next day, while his mother is in the shower, he goes to her purse and finds his answers there on her driver’s license. Armed with new data, the boy waits until his mother comes out of the shower and he approaches her to say… “Mommy, I know how old you are.” to which she replies… “Oh honey, I told you…” The boy interrupts her saying… “You’re 35.” Nervously, the mother says.. “that’s right honey. How did you…” Interrupting her again he says… “And I also know that you weigh 125lbs.” Astonished, the mother replies… ”How in the world…” And in one final interruption, the boy says… “AND, I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

Shocked and curious, the mother asks her son… “Oh honey, why do you think your daddy and I got a divorce?” To which the boy replies…


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#2
RE: Stop Me If You've Heard This One Already...
This guy walks into a bar. The bartender asks... "what'll it be?" The guy responds... "I'll have a Jack® and Coke®" and while motioning toward a female patron he also says... "and get something for that douchebag at the end of the bar."

The bartender replies... "Hey pal, I'll not have you saying derogatory things about my patrons. You'd best mind your manners." To which the guy replies... "you're right. Just give me my drink."

The guy finishes his drink, and he motions for the bartender. He tells the bartender... "Give me another Jack® and Coke®, and get something for that douchebag at the end of the bar."

The bartender, now angered, replies... "Hey pal, I warned you once already, I don't want to have to say it again." To which the guy again replies... "you're right. Just give me my drink."

Again, the guy finishes his drink, and asks for another, adding... "And whatever that douchebag at the end of the bar wants... let her have it."

Now more livid than ever, the bartender says... "That's it pal! You're out of here!" and he kicks the guy out of the bar.

Concerned that his female patron may have overheard the insults, the bartender asks her... "Miss, may I buy you a drink on the house?" To which the female patron replies...


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