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What the dead man taught me
#1
What the dead man taught me
Hi, I'm Mike. I guess you could say that I began heavily doubting my religious beliefs when I got to college and began to learn more about the world around me and it's history. It wasn't just science and evolution, but anthropology that really got me thinking and questioning the christian upbringing I had. That and getting way into George Carlin comedy helped too.

That all started about seven years ago though. What I recently started having an issue with is some of the implications that come with being an Atheist. I didn't start having an existential crisis until a few months ago when I watched a man die.

I work as a Corrections Officer in a major U.S city. A while back I was assigned to go on a last minute ER run right before my shift ended. I arrived at our medical wing to see our nursing staff performing CPR on one of our inmates who had been detoxing from alcohol. Apparently he had some kind of delusional fit and began throwing himself around his cell and banging his head on the walls and bunk. Other staff had cell extracted him and placed him in a restraint chair to prevent further self harm and he just quit breathing as they were doing this.

Only twice in my life had I seen a dead body before. Both times were at the person's wake before a funeral. Never had I seen the look in a person's eyes as they passed away. Staff had broken the man's ribs doing the chest compression so his torso looked really squishy as he flopped around as they compressed again and again. His eyes looked glassed over and distant. The saying about the light leaving the eyes has some truth to it. I don't know much about medicine, but I knew he wasn't going to come back.

He was declared dead at the hospital not long after we arrived by ambulance. I remember the hospital chaplain asking me about the dead man. If he had any beliefs or religious affiliation. I didn't even know the inmate so I didn't know what to tell him. I just said that it really doesn't matter now. He tried telling me that it did and I just broke down and told him that if god loved him then he wouldn't have let him die on a jail floor because of a DUI charge. I guess I should have been more sensitive towards him.

Watching them wheel away his body made me think about the day that I would be on a stretcher, my meat sack being carted away. That would be it for me. I realized how much of a safety net I had back when I believed in a god. The thought that I would continue to exist in some non-physical form gave me a comfort, a shield if you will, that I did not notice until it was gone. I won't believe in something out of fear I won't exist one day, but I'm not sure how to face the horrifying thought that one day I will be gone and that will be that.

It isn't a great thought, but it is one I can't shake and I'm looking for a community to perhaps give me some insight, or things to look at differently. Thanks for reading.
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