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From Jesus to just Myself
#1
From Jesus to just Myself
Hello. I'm from Indonesia, the largest Moslem country in the world (I'm not proud). I think it'll be nice to tell my story here. I'm sorry if my English isn't good, it's not my first language.

Despite living in the Moslem world, I came from generations of Christians; Protestant, to be exact. My ancestors came from eastern part of the country, which are more heavily influenced by Portuguese and Dutch. Ages ago, that part of my country was ripe with herbs and spices, and you know how European thought of them in the age of discovery. Maybe half of my family are now living in Nederland and very proud of it, despite the Dutch were only care about their spices. It is considered as a achievement if you have some sort of connections with Nederlands, no matter how superficial it is.

But now I live in Java island, western part of the country which majorly Islam. I live in a big city where everything is kinda loose. People don't judge you if you choose not to do your religion rituals. Basically, you're free to do (or not to do) everything as you please, as long as you're not a family member lol. After got here, my mother became utterly religious. She went to Protestant church (because going to other flavor of church will upset other family member), but got involved in a very charismatic - pentecostal meetings. I guess she found some resemblance of strength in it, because she's alone in this city, her brothers are in another cities, and my father turned out to be a very insecure, jealous, and abusive man. It was hard. We lived in a very small rented house, she's the only one who's working (part of it was her fault. She asked my father to quit his sailing job), and on top of that, my father is this hulking strong angry man. I learned from a very young age about futility. I grew up thinking that I'm good for nothing, my birth was a mistake, everything I do will turn to shit. 

I am also gay. Just perfect. Lol. From the very beginning though, my mom shaped me into a Christian man. She only tell me Bible stories before I went to bed. I never know any fairy tale or superhero except the one angry god who punishes everyone without mercy (kinda like my Dad). I was known in the family as this sweet sweet kid. Effeminate but sweet little boy who was easily cry. Beside church, my mom would take me to her charismatic meetings which believed the world will end at year 2000 lol. I remember the leader of those meetings ask my mom to throw away my one and only favorite Batman T-shirt (I liked it because Batman's muscles are drawn very detailed), because Batman has horns (which are actually ears), ergo, he's the DEVIL. Christians are stupid. My life will be about Jesus, angry god of the Old Testaments, masses, and unhappy poor family.

Then, something changed. Really slow but it worked toward my ultimate atheism. In elementary school's library, I found a series of books which are illustrated beautifully about Greek mythology. I picked one about Dionysus. If you know his story, it almost very similar with Jesus. Then, about Hercules which almost like Samson. Then, The Great Flood. At 12 years old, my critical thinking started to ticked. I developed a crazy taste for reading about this magical and wonderful world of Greek mythology. How this god born, how that god born, how seasons were made, why planets named after these characters, how different everything is from the watered down version I was familiar with till then (The Bible). I never confront anyone about this similarities to anyone, I just sort of know that these are not real histories, they are made to convey messages to the old world people. I started to read history, about the people who made these stories, and how it was older than the Bible. I opened a door and it leads to another doors. It was a wonderful journey. I read and read and my imagination ran wild, probably to cope with things at home.

This journey was halted a bit when I was in highschool. As I told you, I didn't have a great respect of myself, so I made myself a people pleaser. My mom wanted me to participate in this youth charismatic meetings, so I went. My dad want me to go to regular church, so I also did that. I can't say no. Who did I think I was? A person? Don't be ridiculous. But I was becoming this Jesus freak in highschool. I shut down my critical thinking and hobbies, because everything beside the bible is from the devil. I truly believed that my homosexuality is because there's a devil inside of me, so my charismatic church tried to pray the gay away with smoke and mirrors, singing and speaking in tongues, all that hogwashes.

But in college and then work (I work as an illustrator and sometimes write), the doors which I opened long ago when I was in elementary school can't stop to be opened. I became really care about what's real and what's not real. Internet helps. I slowly leaving church and Christians' clashes of dogmas and everything's just cleared up!! It's amazing really, living without that stupid fog. I become more compassionate and positive, knowing that this life is all I got. I'm HIV positive (which I got when I still in the closet devout Christian lol), but the greatness of medical world enabling me to live as normal as I can. I regularly CrossFit, enjoy my time with people I care (my mom still sad that I don't go to church anymore), and I have a sexy French pharmacist as a lover who knows my condition but still loving me lol. My live today is the best that I have, after I left god behind.
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#2
RE: From Jesus to just Myself
Welcome aboard, english isn't my first language either, bad english is....so you'll hear nothing but praise and commiseration from me, friend.  Glad to hear life is going well, all things considered.

Dating a pharmacist eh...now there's an unfulfilled fantasy of mine........for reasons..........damn my wasted life. Wink
I am the Infantry. I am my country’s strength in war, her deterrent in peace. I am the heart of the fight… wherever, whenever. I carry America’s faith and honor against her enemies. I am the Queen of Battle. I am what my country expects me to be, the best trained Soldier in the world. In the race for victory, I am swift, determined, and courageous, armed with a fierce will to win. Never will I fail my country’s trust. Always I fight on…through the foe, to the objective, to triumph overall. If necessary, I will fight to my death. By my steadfast courage, I have won more than 200 years of freedom. I yield not to weakness, to hunger, to cowardice, to fatigue, to superior odds, For I am mentally tough, physically strong, and morally straight. I forsake not, my country, my mission, my comrades, my sacred duty. I am relentless. I am always there, now and forever. I AM THE INFANTRY! FOLLOW ME!
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#3
RE: From Jesus to just Myself
Welcome!
[Image: nL4L1haz_Qo04rZMFtdpyd1OZgZf9NSnR9-7hAWT...dc2a24480e]
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#4
RE: From Jesus to just Myself
Welcome. And don't worry, plenty of native English speakers on this forum have a far worse grasp of the language than you do.
In every country and every age, the priest had been hostile to Liberty.
- Thomas Jefferson
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#5
RE: From Jesus to just Myself
Welcome from your sister from another Mister in Bible Belt hell, USA.  I was raised Pentecostal too.  My home life was not ideal.  I was a high-school Jesus freak to please my Mother, and because I actually believed that if I prayed hard enough, Jesus would make me straight.  (HA!)  Escape from Pentecostalism to open-minded free thinker is a long, gradual, arduous road, but extremely worth it.   Welcome to AF.
"The family that prays together...is brainwashing their children."- Albert Einstein
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#6
RE: From Jesus to just Myself
That's a hell of a story, thank you Smile

You've been on quite a journey! It sounds like your inner sceptic just couldn't be silenced any longer. You've shown a lot of strength by fighting for what is true, rather than caving in to peer pressure and comfortable delusions. You're totally right, I call Christianity the Frankenstein's monster of religions. It's a patchwork of reheated mythologies. Those caught up in it just can't see it for what it is.

I'm really glad to hear you feel the best you have been, that is great! And you have found love, that is awesome Smile I hope things continue to go well for you, and it would be great if you could find a home here.
Feel free to send me a private message.
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#7
RE: From Jesus to just Myself
(February 5, 2016 at 1:15 pm)drfuzzy Wrote: Welcome from your sister from another Mister in Bible Belt hell, USA.  I was raised Pentecostal too.  My home life was not ideal.  I was a high-school Jesus freak to please my Mother, and because I actually believed that if I prayed hard enough, Jesus would make me straight.  (HA!)  Escape from Pentecostalism to open-minded free thinker is a long, gradual, arduous road, but extremely worth it.   Welcome to AF.

Hahah. Yeah Jesus made us straight indeed. It's repugnant to think that, we never asked to be born gay, but somehow it's our fault. Somehow, we're the one who have to work against it. That is toxic

(February 5, 2016 at 1:20 pm)robvalue Wrote: That's a hell of a story, thank you Smile

You've been on quite a journey! It sounds like your inner sceptic just couldn't be silenced any longer. You've shown a lot of strength by fighting for what is true, rather than caving in to peer pressure and comfortable delusions. You're totally right, I call Christianity the Frankenstein's monster of religions. It's a patchwork of reheated mythologies. Those caught up in it just can't see it for what it is.

I'm really glad to hear you feel the best you have been, that is great! And you have found love, that is awesome Smile I hope things continue to go well for you, and it would be great if you could find a home here.

The thing is, reheated mythologies have to be better than the originals (like we do in superhero movies or mythology retelling or revisiting), but somehow what they did to the bible is actually worse. Like I said, watered down. It lost its magical and mysterius aura of the originals, because they tried to make it more compatible with contemporary world (the more modern the translations, mentions of unicorns etc were altered). It is a sad sad book lol.
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#8
RE: From Jesus to just Myself
(February 5, 2016 at 1:29 pm)Wrikudoro Wrote:
(February 5, 2016 at 1:15 pm)drfuzzy Wrote: Welcome from your sister from another Mister in Bible Belt hell, USA.  I was raised Pentecostal too.  My home life was not ideal.  I was a high-school Jesus freak to please my Mother, and because I actually believed that if I prayed hard enough, Jesus would make me straight.  (HA!)  Escape from Pentecostalism to open-minded free thinker is a long, gradual, arduous road, but extremely worth it.   Welcome to AF.

Hahah. Yeah Jesus made us straight indeed. It's repugnant to think that, we never asked to be born gay, but somehow it's our fault. Somehow, we're the one who have to work against it. That is toxic

Yes.  A large percentage of gays who were raised fundamentalist end up committing suicide before the age of 21.  It's completely horrific. And now, a few decades after my 20's, I have been known to point at a fundamentalist church and call them what they are:  murderers.  I have cried over the casket of far too many brilliant young men.  And that makes stories like yours even more wonderful - a strong, happy, gay FREE atheist man.  Bravo.
"The family that prays together...is brainwashing their children."- Albert Einstein
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#9
RE: From Jesus to just Myself
(February 5, 2016 at 1:34 pm)drfuzzy Wrote: Yes.  A large percentage of gays who were raised fundamentalist end up committing suicide before the age of 21.  It's completely horrific. And now, a few decades after my 20's, I have been known to point at a fundamentalist church and call them what they are:  murderers.  I have cried over the casket of far too many brilliant young men.  And that makes stories like yours even more wonderful - a strong, happy, gay FREE atheist man.  Bravo.

Oh nooo... that's absolutely disturbing. I'm really sorry for that, and we can only hope that somehow what we do in life can make impact for future generations to be free to think and do things they capable of, no matter how small.

In my country, we can't still openly say we are atheist though. We have to 'have a religion'. So much so that we have to write it down our ID card. But, well ... It's ok for now.

And I just can't accept anymore the notion that religion to some people is not damaging. It damages. Like, a lot. Inside, it made us a slave of self inflicted incompetency, and outside, it makes us judgemental (or to some extent, really really destructive) to other people. Ergh
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#10
RE: From Jesus to just Myself
Welcome.  Thank you for sharing your story.
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