Is there a right way to romantically connect with others?

[robvalue]

I began pondering this question during and after I watched Her (2013).  An interesting theme was that of polygamous and monogamous relationships.  Specifically, are they both equally valid and equally ethical venues of pursuing romantic connection? Is the path we take toward seeking romantic connection the result of social conditioning, biological hard-wiring, a combination of the two, or do you have another explanation? Do you have any further insights? Thanks.

P.S.  I'm looking forward to reading everyone's insights and wisdom.

I would say no, there is no correct way. Morally speaking, the most important thing is honesty. As long as all parties are happy with the arrangement and suitably equipped to make such a decision, things are usually okay.

If you define "correct" in a very narrow way, then you could come up with arguments for one way being preferable to another.

[Whateverist]

Not quite clear what you're asking when you say

Is there a right way to romantically connect with others?

but I can tell you the penis goes in the vagina*. Hope that helps.


*Some will disagree with me here. *stares at Vorlon*

[Kernel Sohcahtoa]

I'm basically saying this thread is about humans I'm guessing.

Yes, sir.  However, since Her centers around a romantic relationship between a human and an operating system (computer-like, sentient, intelligent life-form), any questions and insights concerning the validity of non-humans seeking romantic connection are perfectly valid here.

Overall, thanks for the responses so far.  They are very deep and insightful. 

@bennyboy.  No worries, sir.  I appreciate and respect your perspective. IMO, having a thoughtful difference of opinion makes discussion fun and worthwhile.

---

Not quite clear what you're asking when you say

Is there a right way to romantically connect with others?

but I can tell you the penis goes in the vagina*.  Hope that helps.


*Some will disagree with me here.  *stares at Vorlon*

Is there a right, correct way to pursue love?

[bennyboy]

I don't think polyamory is ethical, because I still believe (shoot me, I already know what you fuckers are going to say about this) that at the core, heterosexual relationships are about babies.  Yeah, fuck you, I said it, don't start with me.

The ethics of sexuality are largely to do with what happens at the point of pregnancy.  In a polyamorous relationship, pregnancy likely means that the woman will no longer get to be anything-androus.  Since she's lacking the bonded understanding of a monogamous couple, she's going to have a hard time convincing the man that he suddenly needs to commit to helping her build a nest and raising a child.

The other issue is the reproductive life cycle.  It's easy to talk a 20 year-old girl into thinking she'll never ever want a baby.  But fast forward about 9 years, and there's going to be a real dissonance-- she's very likely to start wondering about reproducing, whereas for a man-- well, he's still got about 40 years to think about it.

So the Bonobo's are doing it wrong?

http://www.cnn.com/2016/05/07/opinions/m...os-safina/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex...ve-and-sex

Ethics implies the capacity to hold a world view and act in accordance with it.  So yes, from the human perspective, bonobos are doing it wrong.

Humans have to balance components of a world view against each other: the seeking of pleasure is an important value; so is equality among the genders; so is the sense of responsibility for the social and material well-being of children.

In my opinion any man trying to talk a woman into a polyamorous relationship is doing so selfishly-- he wants sex, but none of the relationship work that comes with a real romantic relationship.  He also, unless he's completely retarded, knows that as women mature their desire to reproduce often intensifies; he should be able to infer, then, that a long-term polyamorous arrangement is likely to lead to conflict or suffering.

Making choices which one knows are likely to lead to conflict or suffering of others is unethical.  Convincing yourself that you've got the consent of some young lady might make you feel better about living the way you want, but in the end, it will likely go badly, and a decent man will see this likely outcome and take reasonable measures to avoid it. He will do this by accepting some limitations to his own pursuit of pleasure in favor of maintaining a healthy romantic relationship.

[robvalue]

Someone trying to talk anyone into something they don't really want to do is unethical. I don't see what is special about polyamorous relationships in this regard. It would be just as selfish to talk someone into a monogamous relationship.

[bennyboy]

Someone trying to talk anyone into something they don't really want to do is unethical. I don't see what is special about polyamorous relationships in this regard. It would be just as selfish to talk someone into a monogamous relationship.

It seems to me, and obviously this is a generalization, that men are more likely than women to want a polyamorous relationship, and I think this is for the most part ingrained in our genetic makeup.  Yes, people are different, and some women definitely would love an open relationship.  However, I don't think you can built an ethical view on exceptions-- you have to look at the greater good / greater harm to be done.

I'd put it this way-- some things are unethical in general, but there is always room for exception.  Look at it like this-- if a view was the norm, what would the society look like?  I think a polyamorous society would be totally fucked up-- rampant disease, neglected children, etc.  So I'd say in general that polyamory is not the right way for us to approach sexual relationships.

[Excited Penguin]

Someone trying to talk anyone into something they don't really want to do is unethical. I don't see what is special about polyamorous relationships in this regard. It would be just as selfish to talk someone into a monogamous relationship.

It seems to me, and obviously this is a generalization, that men are more likely than women to want a polyamorous relationship, and I think this is for the most part ingrained in our genetic makeup.  Yes, people are different, and some women definitely would love an open relationship.  However, I don't think you can built an ethical view on exceptions-- you have to look at the greater good / greater harm to be done.

I'd put it this way-- some things are unethical in general, but there is always room for exception.  Look at it like this-- if a view was the norm, what would the society look like?  I think a polyamorous society would be totally fucked up-- rampant disease, neglected children, etc.  So I'd say in general that polyamory is not the right way for us to approach sexual relationships.

Really, it seems to me like it's the other way around in my life.

I'm torn on the subject. On the one hand I believe a polyamorous relationship could be a lot of fun, on the other it might go horribly wrong.

[Whateverist]

Is there a right, correct way to pursue love?

Sorry for clowning around before. No there is no generally agreed upon way nor any technique found to be 100% efficacious. But my own advice is to be honest without being dreary; just in case you succeed in winning their interest, make sure that interest is based on who you really are. But don't make your feelings a burden for the one who inspires them in you. Be playful. Be helpful too, if you can. Look for common ground. Have fun while the sun shines.

[Arkilogue]

Love yourself first, it all flows out from there.

Looking for love is rife with expectational traps and pitfalls, but if you make it inside yourself first, then you know what it really takes and have something to offer.

Love is the digging of a well and a carrying of water to the thirsty.

[robvalue]

Someone trying to talk anyone into something they don't really want to do is unethical. I don't see what is special about polyamorous relationships in this regard. It would be just as selfish to talk someone into a monogamous relationship.

It seems to me, and obviously this is a generalization, that men are more likely than women to want a polyamorous relationship, and I think this is for the most part ingrained in our genetic makeup.  Yes, people are different, and some women definitely would love an open relationship.  However, I don't think you can built an ethical view on exceptions-- you have to look at the greater good / greater harm to be done.

I'd put it this way-- some things are unethical in general, but there is always room for exception.  Look at it like this-- if a view was the norm, what would the society look like?  I think a polyamorous society would be totally fucked up-- rampant disease, neglected children, etc.  So I'd say in general that polyamory is not the right way for us to approach sexual relationships.

Okay well, none of those have to happen as part of such relationships. They are examples of them done badly.

I appreciate your point but I don't think generalising is fair. Any particular case may be unethical, but saying they are unethical in general because of what sometimes happens doesn't sit well with me. It sounds too similar to demonising gay relationships because of things that supposedly can be problems with them. There's nothing inherently unethical about a mutually consensual polyamorous relationship, in my opinion.

If people are irresponsible scumbags and/or need nannying in the first instance, that's a general problem with them, and won't go away just because they are the one person. Especially since so many people cheat anyway.