Adoption of mentally impaired babies

[Catholic_Lady]

How do you guys feel about a couple who, upon learning their unborn baby had a mental impairment such as Down Syndrome (or other), decide to look for a good family to adopt their baby? Apparently there are people out there who feel a calling and have a passion for special needs children, and who specifically look for these types of babies to adopt. 

Let me also say that this pregnant couple has the financial means and plenty of support to take care of a mentally impaired child. But the reason they want to put their child up for adoption is because they feel like emotionally/mentally they just wouldn't be able to handle the grief and heartache that would come from seeing their child struggle through life.   

So, do you think it's wrong for the pregnant couple to choose to put their baby up for adoption in this case? Would you judge them? How do you feel about this type of decision?

(bolded to emphasize this would be about finding a loving adopted family prior to the birth, NOT leaving the child in an orphanage)

[Minimalist]

You don't want to know my opinion.

[FatAndFaithless]

Do I think it's wrong morally? Yeah, I do. Would I think less of them? I certainly would. In terms of the legality though, I think it would only cause more problems if you forced them to raise the child.

[vorlon13]

(best if I don't weigh in on this)

[Catholic_Lady]

Do I think it's wrong morally?  Yeah, I do.  Would I think less of them?  I certainly would.

Can you explain why you think it would be wrong/why you would think less of them?

---

You don't want to know my opinion.

(best if I don't weigh in on this)

You guys can say you think it's wrong if you'd like. When I was pregnant with such baby the adoption thing crossed my mind in a moment of desperation, but ultimately I would not have given him up for adoption. It won't hurt my feelings if you say you think it is wrong because I wouldn't have done it.

[TheRealJoeFish]

If a couple is not "emotionally/mentally prepared" to handle a child with a moderate-to-profound disability "struggl[ing] through life" then I certainly would not judge them for choosing to give the child up for adoption.

If they were not in a position to ensure the child would receive their full support (as in, if keeping and raising the child was out of the question), I would prefer they chose an abortion to prevent that struggling in general - I think that would be a far more ethical, less complicated choice.

But if that's, for whatever reason, not an option, then... I can't say for certain it's wrong. I also don't feel comfortable saying it's right - the moral aspects are complicated and extremely highly ridiculously context-dependent.

[FatAndFaithless]

Do I think it's wrong morally?  Yeah, I do.  Would I think less of them?  I certainly would.

Can you explain why you think it would be wrong/why you would think less of them?

I suppose I'm looking at it from my perspective of being a parent (which I am not currently...as far as I know).  It's hard for me to articulate exactly why, but carrying a fetus to term when one knows it will be disabled, then immediately giving it up for adoption because one feels one can't "handle" it while clearly having the financial/social means to do so...just seems off to me.  I'll say what I'm sure a lot of people are thinking, and that if I found out that my pregnant partner was carrying a fetus that would have some severe mental disability (such as down syndrome), and it was early enough in the pregnancy to be possible (depending on the state/country), I would prefer the fetus to be aborted.

And I might've spoke a bit strongly when I said I'd "certainly think less of them."  I know that everyone is in different situations with different circumstances, but bringing another...unwanted? mentally disabled child into the world who then is forced to rely on the uncertain charity of others just to survive..doesn't seem cool to me.

[c172]

Gosh, now I'm all curious about the opinions of those that are telling us they decline to weigh in!

Spina bifida, my physical disability, varies greatly from case to case. One one end, there are those (occulta) that may be completely asymptomatic, or may just have back pain. On the other, (myelomeningocele, my form) there is usually paralysis and various malformations of the hips and legs that proclude functioning down there.  As well, some cases involve severe impairment of executive function, sometimes to the point of mental retardation (or whatever the PC term for that is nowadays). 

The emotional and mental side of parenting a special needs child, in my experience with   my mother, biological father, and adopted father, is enormous I don't have a "calling" to be a parent at all (even though my sexual function is intact, AFAIK). Even if I had a son and daughter who were respectively the star quarterback and the captain of the cheerleading squad. 

The job of parenting seems like something that is always going to be, at times, bigger than you envision. With special needs as part of the equation, if you haven't located the resources to turn to to help with parenting and other developmental/legal issues (in my case, the Spina Bifida Association, which puts on a National Conference every other year), then I feel like you have no less than a responsibility to either abort the baby or put him/her up for adoption. 

And from your previous posts, it does seem like you have some serious moral issues with going forward with such a huge parenting journey. I would never want to see a special needs kid grow up in a family that ended up not loving the child despite their best efforts.

Edit: ignore top sentence. Ninjas!

[Catholic_Lady]

I can't say for certain it's wrong.  I also don't feel comfortable saying it's right - the moral aspects are complicated and extremely highly ridiculously context-dependent.

Personally I don't think the scenario I listed above is immoral. I think if they were to drop their kid off at some orphanage/institution, then yes. That I think is wrong. But if the couple finds a good and loving family who wants to care for such child, then I don't think it's wrong. Much the opposite, actually. It's a big sacrifice to be pregnant when you don't have a baby to look forward to, and I would really admire a couple who make that sacrifice for the sake of giving their child the best life possible. 

It's easy to say "well, if you can support the baby financially then you should just keep him/her..." but I think it's important to keep in mind that a person's emotional/mental capability is just as much a factor.

[FatAndFaithless]

I can't say for certain it's wrong.  I also don't feel comfortable saying it's right - the moral aspects are complicated and extremely highly ridiculously context-dependent.

Personally I don't think the scenario I listed above is immoral. I think if they were to drop their kid off at some orphanage/institution, then yes. That I think is wrong. But if the couple finds a good and loving family who wants to care for such child, then I don't think it's wrong. Much the opposite, actually. It's a big sacrifice to be pregnant when you don't have a baby to look forward to, and I would really admire a couple who make that sacrifice for the sake of giving their child the best life possible. 

It's easy to say "well, if you can support the baby financially then you should just keep him/her..." but I think it's important to keep in mind that a person's emotional/mental capability is just as much a factor.

Ah, I have to apologize here then.

I misread your OP and thought that the situation was one of handing the baby off for adoption and that the adoption agency would hopefully find the loving family.

If the situation is that such a loving family is found by the parents, then I wouldn't have a problem with that.