JUST OPEN YOUR HEART, DAMMIT!

[Redbeard The Pink]

Furthermore, you could claim anything exists as long as there isn't evidence to say that it doesn't.

You can't prove Santa doesn't exist! On December 24th I left cookies and milk by the tree, and when I woke up the next day the cookies and milk were gone and there was presents under the tree. You can't explain that. Thus, Santa is real!

Alternatively, we could send an expeditionary group to the North Pole to find Santa's Workshop. Failing to do so, we might conclude that this (and other similar shortcomings) renders the Santa story untenable.

Ahem...as a former workshop elf, I'll field this one. I'm by far the most advanced Santa apologist here.


First off, before any of you even start, most of what you idiot humans refer to as Santa's "elves" are actually either gnomes, leprechauns, or magic-blooded children like myself. There are very few actual elves at the North Pole. I'm mostly human and leprechaun with a smattering of werewolf, phoenix, dragon, troll, and honestly I'm not quite sure what else at this point. I worked in that glorified sweat shop from the 2nd grade up through probably the 4th (which in dream time is a lot longer than you'd think).


Now, humans have been to the North Pole, and all they've found is Ice. Why? Because Santa doesn't live on the ice, or even within it. To have a permanent foundation, they had to build that thing directly on the crust of the Earth, far beneath the Arctic Ocean. There's no way in or out except by magic, and even if humans could get close there's an advanced warning system that teleports the whole operation to the South Pole if anyone gets near enough to discover us down there. If somebody came for us at both poles, the shop would just teleport somewhere else, and I'm not telling you where because that's classified information.


Now, as to the cookies and milk thing, that brings up another question: what about kids who "figure out" that their parents are Santa Claus? Some kids reason it out or get told by their parents, and some actually catch their parents in the act of eating the cookies and setting out the presents. The explanation for this is simple: that's the punishment for really bad kids, and for kids who are awake when Santa gets to their house.



You see, Santa knows when you're sleeping, and when you're awake, and if you've been bad or good. Once you stop believing in him, he'll never come to your house to give you presents again. If he's about to get to your house and he knows you won't be asleep when he gets there, he gives the presents to the parents and makes them set the presents out. That way if you catch them they'll take the fall, you'll stop believing in Santa, and he'll never bring you any more presents because of how bad you were to be awake and roaming around the house when you should have been in bed dreaming of sugar plums.


Some kids are even so bad that Santa just phones ahead and tells the parents or some mean older kid to come along and wreck Christmas early by telling a kid that Santa isn't real so they'll stop believing. He doesn't do this himself because you can hardly stand in front of someone and tell them you don't exist, and again he likes to have a fall guy to keep up his good image rather than just telling a kid they've been so bad that he's done with them forever.


Now, some people might chime in and say, "Ok Redbeard, I'm a parent, and I can admit to putting presents out for my kids every Christmas. Santa never came to our house. He's not real." The explanation for this is, again, simple: that's also part of the punishment for not believing in Santa. When you're young and foolish and don't realize how it works, you stop believing in Santa. Then, when you're grown up and you want your kids to have fun at Christmas and believe in Santa, he still won't come to your house because you don't think he's real, so you have to do all that work yourself instead of letting Santa do it for you, and you find yourself wishing that Santa were real because it would make your life less expensive and miserable at Christmas...and Santa sits back and laughs at the cruel irony he has inflicted on you...



Did I mention Santa is basically an amoral sociopathic monster? You really shouldn't let that guy anywhere near your kids.