I grew up as a devout Moslem boy (eventhough I skipped prayers and fasting occasionally), then I found out that I was gay (about 20 years ago) while still pretending to be religious, then 10 years later I left my family and lived with my partner, and now 10 years later I'm 100% convinced that I do not know what god is and it is out of my life.
I realised that I followed Islam blindly, not purely from my heart, just following what other people do without thinking with my own mind.
I was the best Holy Quran reader / reciter in my school and in my community. I was the muezzin (the caller for prayers) in our mosque. I memorised a lot of the surahs (chapters) in the Quran.
I always tried to pray with a lot of focus and concentration to god (I was told that if you're not focused /concentrating, your prayers won't be answered)....yet I never succeed in doing such things. I always think about other people around me, I always think that I want to show off that I was a devout and holy servant of god, that my voice in reciting quran and calling for prayers is so beautiful so people would admire me more and more. This kind of feeling is prohibited in Islam.. that you want to show off your deed to people, instead of dedicating it only to the almighty god.
I could not concentrate. In addition, if there are handsome older males nearby me, with facial hair, it would be more difficult for me to concentrate. I was attracted to them. Sexually. It's not because I was completely separated from women (in Indonesia, my home country, the boys and girls are often mixed, not like in Saudi Arabia). It's how I was born. I've always been attracted by handsome older males. Females do not turn me on. And I'm not girly at all.
In prayers, the men and women are completely separated. They should have a special section for homosexuals :-) but of course there is no such thing. Lucky me I always get to mix with my handsome teachers at the high school mosque :-)
Thus I started to doubt about God and about my religion. There is no place for a homosexual in my religion. So why god (if he exists) made me homosexual from birth and therefore I would go to hell because of it? It is just not fair and not logical.
I also saw so many conflicts and so much hatred and divisions in among my religious school friends. It was getting worse and worse (it was in the early 90s to 1997). My brother went to study abroad and he was brainwashed by the Moslem Brotherhood people in Europe. He changed 180 degrees. He demanded all of his The Beatles posters and cassettes at home to be destroyed. My classmates were brainwashed by Salafists (an Islamic sect that demands a pure Mohammedan teachings, very strict, very violent and very bitchy). Smiles disappeared from their face. They always find things to argue and get angry at people who don't agree with them. They would infiltrate any academic meetings and shouted their disapproval out of their lungs... that people were not following the purest teaching of Mohammed. I was a bit inclined to Sufism and they told me I'd go to hell if I continued writing poet, singing and composing Islamic song/ music. They are just VERY VERY ANGRY and they even fight with each other. THey were divided as the North Salafy and South Salafy in my hometown and they even threatened to kill one of their leaders with sword as they consider that his blood is halal therefore he can be killed.
My comical and forever joking best high school friend was a victim of this sad Salafy brainwashing. He joined the Salafy jihadist troop and went for a stupid holy war in Ambon. His poor mother cried when she heard the news.
I've had enough. Everywhere, religions cause conflict and hatred.
I am an atheist and am now reading so many books about it (thanks to Kindle) and also about religions and their flaws... I'm pleased that I now live in a free country and can seek knowledge as much as I want...
Warm regards,
Apostopare
I realised that I followed Islam blindly, not purely from my heart, just following what other people do without thinking with my own mind.
I was the best Holy Quran reader / reciter in my school and in my community. I was the muezzin (the caller for prayers) in our mosque. I memorised a lot of the surahs (chapters) in the Quran.
I always tried to pray with a lot of focus and concentration to god (I was told that if you're not focused /concentrating, your prayers won't be answered)....yet I never succeed in doing such things. I always think about other people around me, I always think that I want to show off that I was a devout and holy servant of god, that my voice in reciting quran and calling for prayers is so beautiful so people would admire me more and more. This kind of feeling is prohibited in Islam.. that you want to show off your deed to people, instead of dedicating it only to the almighty god.
I could not concentrate. In addition, if there are handsome older males nearby me, with facial hair, it would be more difficult for me to concentrate. I was attracted to them. Sexually. It's not because I was completely separated from women (in Indonesia, my home country, the boys and girls are often mixed, not like in Saudi Arabia). It's how I was born. I've always been attracted by handsome older males. Females do not turn me on. And I'm not girly at all.
In prayers, the men and women are completely separated. They should have a special section for homosexuals :-) but of course there is no such thing. Lucky me I always get to mix with my handsome teachers at the high school mosque :-)
Thus I started to doubt about God and about my religion. There is no place for a homosexual in my religion. So why god (if he exists) made me homosexual from birth and therefore I would go to hell because of it? It is just not fair and not logical.
I also saw so many conflicts and so much hatred and divisions in among my religious school friends. It was getting worse and worse (it was in the early 90s to 1997). My brother went to study abroad and he was brainwashed by the Moslem Brotherhood people in Europe. He changed 180 degrees. He demanded all of his The Beatles posters and cassettes at home to be destroyed. My classmates were brainwashed by Salafists (an Islamic sect that demands a pure Mohammedan teachings, very strict, very violent and very bitchy). Smiles disappeared from their face. They always find things to argue and get angry at people who don't agree with them. They would infiltrate any academic meetings and shouted their disapproval out of their lungs... that people were not following the purest teaching of Mohammed. I was a bit inclined to Sufism and they told me I'd go to hell if I continued writing poet, singing and composing Islamic song/ music. They are just VERY VERY ANGRY and they even fight with each other. THey were divided as the North Salafy and South Salafy in my hometown and they even threatened to kill one of their leaders with sword as they consider that his blood is halal therefore he can be killed.
My comical and forever joking best high school friend was a victim of this sad Salafy brainwashing. He joined the Salafy jihadist troop and went for a stupid holy war in Ambon. His poor mother cried when she heard the news.
I've had enough. Everywhere, religions cause conflict and hatred.
I am an atheist and am now reading so many books about it (thanks to Kindle) and also about religions and their flaws... I'm pleased that I now live in a free country and can seek knowledge as much as I want...
Warm regards,
Apostopare
