After much research and praying I've completed a full Real Christian's™ guide for interpreting scripture. Here it is. You won't ever need to reconsider your beliefs again.
Does the verse contradict another verse, particularly one that you like?
Yes: oh no, that's not a contradiction. You just need to maximally stretch your interpretation. Don't pull a muscle
Does the verse coincide with modern morality?
Yes: totally literal.
No: just a metaphor, chill.
Does the verse mention a rule that you agree with?
Yes: this is the word of god yo. Dem da rules.
No: oh that's just OT jewish stuff, doesn't apply to us!
Does the verse coincide with modern science?
Yes: totes literal.
No: it's just like, a metaphor man(*)
Bonus points: can the verse be interpreted in such a way that it appears to describe a scientific fact?
Yes: proof of divine revelation!!1!!!!!1
The more you know.
(*)never, EVER bother to explain what the metaphor is actually FOR. It's enough that it's metaphorical.
Does the verse contradict another verse, particularly one that you like?
Yes: oh no, that's not a contradiction. You just need to maximally stretch your interpretation. Don't pull a muscle
Does the verse coincide with modern morality?
Yes: totally literal.
No: just a metaphor, chill.
Does the verse mention a rule that you agree with?
Yes: this is the word of god yo. Dem da rules.
No: oh that's just OT jewish stuff, doesn't apply to us!
Does the verse coincide with modern science?
Yes: totes literal.
No: it's just like, a metaphor man(*)
Bonus points: can the verse be interpreted in such a way that it appears to describe a scientific fact?
Yes: proof of divine revelation!!1!!!!!1
The more you know.
(*)never, EVER bother to explain what the metaphor is actually FOR. It's enough that it's metaphorical.
