Feeling uncertainty. I mean... I know what I want. I want it. The thing is that I feel selfish for wanting it and it just seems irresponsible, drastic, and impulsive. I don't do things that way. Not anymore, anyway. It took me a decade to start from zero after decisions I made basing myself on churchy reasons. A decade later, I finally paid most of the life consequences tab (some will be forever). Irrational decisions cost me a decade. If I ever make a decision that doesn't fit into my life goals plan, I want to make darn sure that I thought about all the outcomes and that I'm willing to pay the price. My two kids are not a price I'm willing to pay. Not their happiness. Not their trust.
So, it all comes down to that. If I do this thing I want, what does that lead us to? Where? Ultimately, what are the expectations afterwards and how will it affect them? Is it probable? Is it doable? Is it reasonable? Is it safe? Is it affordable? In all aspects. Can it be done by adjusting the means? I'm thinking maybe same ultimate result, but different strategy. How many benefits would be compromised by doing so? How much would be gained?
I'm uncertain. I need more facts.
I went to more than 27 schools growing up. My childhood didn't feel safe, certain, stable. I promised my babies since they were little rug rats that they would have stability. How unstable is a nudge? How much of a nudge is a slow dance? Really.
In all honesty, I don't know. This is why I'm feeling uncertainty. In actuality, this is more of a thought process than a feeling process. I'm not an expert in managing feelings, but I'm damn good at systematic thinking. Funny. I don't like planning trips too much (I like to leave room for random), but when it comes to decisions, I like to have a map of every possible route, every crease, and every exit and entrance. It just seems so... uncertain... any other way. I was told to think about it. Oh, I'm thinking. I have literally been making maps of everything my brain is processing.
Some say it comes with age. I think it came with the kids. You know that thing they say about us parents wanting our kids to have it better than we ever did? Dude. So true. So fucken true.
So, it all comes down to that. If I do this thing I want, what does that lead us to? Where? Ultimately, what are the expectations afterwards and how will it affect them? Is it probable? Is it doable? Is it reasonable? Is it safe? Is it affordable? In all aspects. Can it be done by adjusting the means? I'm thinking maybe same ultimate result, but different strategy. How many benefits would be compromised by doing so? How much would be gained?
I'm uncertain. I need more facts.
I went to more than 27 schools growing up. My childhood didn't feel safe, certain, stable. I promised my babies since they were little rug rats that they would have stability. How unstable is a nudge? How much of a nudge is a slow dance? Really.
In all honesty, I don't know. This is why I'm feeling uncertainty. In actuality, this is more of a thought process than a feeling process. I'm not an expert in managing feelings, but I'm damn good at systematic thinking. Funny. I don't like planning trips too much (I like to leave room for random), but when it comes to decisions, I like to have a map of every possible route, every crease, and every exit and entrance. It just seems so... uncertain... any other way. I was told to think about it. Oh, I'm thinking. I have literally been making maps of everything my brain is processing.
Some say it comes with age. I think it came with the kids. You know that thing they say about us parents wanting our kids to have it better than we ever did? Dude. So true. So fucken true.
"Hipster is what happens when young hot people do what old ladies do." -Exian