joke time

[Little lunch]

Not sure if I've done this one before.

I bought some flavoured condoms and suggested to my girlfriend that we play a flavour guessing game.
She agreed, got down under the covers and came back up with,'cheese and onion?'
I said,'hold on, I haven't even got the fucking thing on yet!'

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Good thing she didn't guess sour cream and bacon, I suppose...

Boru

[Little lunch]

Another one I'm not sure if I've done yet.

My wife asked me to go down to the chemist to get some of those pills that make my dick hard.
So I went there, came back and threw a bottle of diet pills at her.

[Cyberman]

I made myself some crab paste sandwiches the other day. I ended up bringing the lot up in the toilet. Not buying from that chemist again.

[Minimalist]

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they dare not interfere with God's divine will.
 
 
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels slide in and drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim. Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
 
 
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
 
 
But the Catholic Church came up with another strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
 
 
Not much was heard from the synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.
 

[The Valkyrie]

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?



About half way...

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The Titanic has an undeserved reputation, it was actually a very well-built ship - after 100 years at the bottom of the ocean, the swimming pool was still full.

Boru

[Cyberman]

Joking aside for a moment, the Titanic actually was a very well-built ship. Its fatal flaw, that the walls of the watertight compartments didn't reach to the ceiling, wouldn't have been such an issue if the conditions that led to her sinking weren't so unusually perfect. The most watertight design for a ship is an enclosed metal container. Obviously that wouldn't be very practical, so compromises have to be made in order to accomodate staff and passengers. Walkways, entryways, electrical and water channels have to cut into the original watertight design; each of these elements simply adds to the list of things that can go wrong. As it is, she was able to remain viable for hours (after not hitting the iceberg) rather than foundering straight away.

The other big 'flaw' that's often cited is the lack of sufficient lifeboat provision. Couple of things to bear in mind: she actually carried the required number of lifeboats - sixteen standard boats and four collapsibles - to satisfy Board of Trade regulations for a vessel of her class; in fact many people were of the opinion that she carried too many lifeboats. The reasoning for this is that Titanic was intended to be her own lifeboat - that stretch of the Atlantic was very well travelled and it was considered preferable to await rescue aboard the ship, than risk the open sea in an open boat. Were it not for the Californian infamously standing to nearby watching her sink, the strategy would have worked.

Sorry for this digression; it just happens to be a pet subject of mine.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

So...you don't think being built by gangs of Irish navvies had anything to do with it?

Boru

[Cyberman]

That plus all the scousers sealed her doom, probably.