joke time

[Aegon]

A homeless man was walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion-like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool. The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the pool still crying. The homeless man wasted no time in jumping in to drag the other man out of the water. After the suited man took a moment to process what was happening (and what he was doing) he started to thank the homeless man profusely and asked if there was any way he could repay the homeless man for his kindness.

"What was I thinking!" the man in suit said, "Please good sir, if there I must repay you for what you have done for me, money is no option have anything you want." 

"I don't need money," the homeless man replied. "I would like a job if there is anyway you can arrange that."

The suited man was taken aback by the request but complied saying that the homeless man can work on one of the commercial cruise ships his company owns. A few weeks later the captain of said ship was inspecting his new subordinate and was disgusted... "We can't have a homeless man running around on this ship, it will put off the guests... you can be a janitor if you promise to only leave your employee cabin to work at night when the guests are asleep." The homeless man was not phased by the comments of the captain and got to work as a night janitor on the ship.

One night the homeless man finished early and decided to swim in the pool whilst no one was around. Unfortunately the first hand came on deck just as the homeless man began to dive into the pool. However, instead of being outraged he was amazed at the perfect dive the homeless man pulled off. The first mate insisted he do it again for the captain and after being shown the skill of this homeless man the captain was amazed. He insisted that the homeless man put on diving shows for the customers.

Weeks later the homeless man was about to attempt the tallest dive possible for his newly gained fans. The diving board was set up specially and it extended impossibly high into the sky.
The man began climbing and climbing. Hours passed before he reached the top of the board. He looked below and was unphased, with a couple of stretches he dove aiming for the pool below. Down, down and down he went picking up speed until he hit terminal velocity on his dive. he hit the water and sliced right through it to the bottom of the pool.
He didn't stop though, smashing through the bottom of the pool and through each of the 30 decks below until he broke right through to the open ocean. Commotion broke out on the ship "MAN OVERBOARD" People were shouting and shuffling to through life preservers to the homeless man. He caught a preserver and was hoisted up onto the ship again.
"Remarkable!" the captain said now inspecting the man, "Smashed all the way through the ship and not a scratch on you... how is such a thing possible!"

"Well." said the homeless man. "I have been through many hardships in my life."

[Brian37]

How the fuck can I celebrate Labor Day? I cant get pregnant.

[Brian37]

What kind of salad dressing do porn stars like? Raunch

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

FAIR WARNING:  What follows is insensitive and objectionable on several levels.

After the Second World War, an American journalist was interviewing the Mother Superior of an Italian convent.

'So tell me,' the journalist begins, 'what was the war like for you here at Our Lady Of Perpetual Guilt?'

'Oh, it was-a terrible,' answers the nun.  'First-a, the Italian Army came through and rape all-a the nuns, except Sister Angelica.  Then the German Army came through and rape all-s the nuns, except Sister Angelica.  After that-a, we had-a the Polish Resistance, the American Army, the British Army, the French Resistance - every one come-a through here and rape all-a the nuns, except Sister Angelica.'

Shocked, the journalist asks, 'That's horrible!  You mean to say that six different armies came through and raped every nun, except Sister Angelica?'

'That's-a right.'

'Well, why didn't they rape Sister Angelica?'

'Sister Angelica, she no like-a that sort of thing.'

Boru

[LadyForCamus]

FAIR WARNING:  What follows is insensitive and objectionable on several levels.

After the Second World War, an American journalist was interviewing the Mother Superior of an Italian convent.

'So tell me,' the journalist begins, 'what was the war like for you here at Our Lady Of Perpetual Guilt?'

'Oh, it was-a terrible,' answers the nun.  'First-a, the Italian Army came through and rape all-a the nuns, except Sister Angelica.  Then the German Army came through and rape all-s the nuns, except Sister Angelica.  After that-a, we had-a the Polish Resistance, the American Army, the British Army, the French Resistance - every one come-a through here and rape all-a the nuns, except Sister Angelica.'

Shocked, the journalist asks, 'That's horrible!  You mean to say that six different armies came through and raped every nun, except Sister Angelica?'

'That's-a right.'

'Well, why didn't they rape Sister Angelica?'

'Sister Angelica, she no like-a that sort of thing.'

Boru

LOL

[Little lunch]

I recently went to a restaurant that served breakfast any time.
So I ordered French toast in the renaissance.

[downbeatplumb]

I recently went to a restaurant that served breakfast any time.
So I ordered French toast in the renaissance.

I went to a restaurant that served bangers and mash.
I got a firework and a mobile army field hospital.

[ukatheist]

How does a mathematician cure constipation? Works it out with a pencil.

Sent from my ALE-L21 using Tapatalk

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I recently went to a restaurant that served breakfast any time.
So I ordered French toast in the renaissance.

I once went to a topless restaurant. It rained and my potatoes got all soggy.

Boru

[pocaracas]

OK, this is all in portuguese, (most of them are) and they rely on some word play (how words sound, not necessarily how they're spelled, so don't even try to use google to translate) to make sense.... but this one was in there and I just had to share!

Dust, in portuguese, is "pó":



The rest (there is one in english): http://www.tabonito.pt/portugues-faz-suc...teligentes