Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[Foxaèr]

If there's one thing guaranteed to piss me off royally, it's saying that things happen for a reason. I get that you probably didn't mean it like that, but there's no reason behind what happened that day. Other than I fucked up bigger than is humanly possible.

I agree and I apologize; I was referring to the common phrase. There was no "reason" behind what happened.

It did happen, however, and there is no changing that no matter how much you want to mentally self flagellate yourself.

So long as you continue to wrongfully blame yourself, you are going to believe it despite truth to the contrary.

[Cyberman]

I know I can't change it. You can't know what I've tried to do to change it. You'd have me locked up. And yes, there is nothing anyone can do or say to change my mind on this. I was there, you all were not. Sorry, but them's facts. My hell now seems to be what I said in that original post; wherein I'm a spectre amongst normal couples, wishing I could change everything.

[Foxaèr]

I know I can't change it. You can't know what I've tried to do to change it. You'd have me locked up. And yes, there is nothing anyone can do or say to change my mind on this. I was there, you all were not. Sorry, but them's facts. My hell now seems to be what I said in that original post; wherein I'm a spectre amongst normal couples, wishing I could change everything.

You can change, by accepting that you are worth more than the self-pity you drench yourself in. Only through acceptance that you are worth more than the hell you are personally putting yourself through will you come to terms with the reality that your self worth is important.

[Cyberman]

Self-pity. Right. Got it. Thank you.

[Foxaèr]

The harshness of the truth is better than the comfort of the lie.

[Cyberman]

See, that last day we drove to her mum's, she was in the front passenger seat and me behind. I was very annoyed because I knew she wasn't well. But I mellowed as we drove on, and I saw her watching me in the wing mirror. She reached her hand back towards me and I held it, and tickled it and made her laugh. She promised she wouldn't be long as she wasn't feeling well. Then we dropped her off at the bottom of her mum's road, we got out and kissed and hugged, and I watched and waved as she went into the door. Then my life, like hers, ended.

[Cyberman]

Now I have no one to comfort me. I have to do this alone.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Plus, I am trying to move on. That's what all this is about. It's like I carry the stench of death with me, or whatever. People seem to sense it, even when I'm really going all balls out.

Trust me -- people can detect your self-loathing. People have evolved to be emotion-detectors.

When you project that self-loathing, people sense it. And no one wants to be dragged into the morass of a stranger's emotional jungle, so they skip on the pleasantries ... or do the pleasantries and then get the hell out.

You need to forgive yourself. I don't think anything in your life will change until you do that.

[Foxaèr]

Then my life, like hers, ended.

False.

Your life metaphorically ended, but not literally.

It is understandable for one to grieve, but for that grief to extend to such an extent you are taking it is unnatural.

You need to let go. It is that simple.

[Cyberman]

I am trying. I have done so. Thing is, I'm boxed in. I have nowhere to go, nobody to connect with, nobody to ask for help. I had three real life friends. One cut me off and moved away somewhere, one fired me (I have the email) and the third is going the same way.

I have posted on POF, Tinder, Badoo, Singles Around Me, Craigslist, all of them, and got nothing except spambots. I've been to pubs and clubs, that's one reason I went to Aberystwyth the other week, and been invisible. I've advertised in bus shelters, phone boxes, here on my estate, with nothing to show for it. I've asked people I know, real life and facebook, time and time again. Guess what?