Satanic verses

[Fake Messiah]

How can I become a Muslim so I can get into some really Satanic shit?

You could start by yawning because, according to Muhammad, when you yawn with the open mouth the devil enters your mouth:

“When one of you yawns, he should keep his mouth shut with the help of his hand, for it is the devil that enters therein.”
~Sahih Muslim 42:7130


Also, if you don't rise daily at a very early hour to worship an imaginary force called Allah, the devil pisses in your ear

Narrated 'Abdullah : A person was mentioned before the Prophet (p.b.u.h) and he was told that he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not got up for the prayer. The Prophet said, "Satan urinated in his ears."
~Sahih Bukhari 2:21:245

You should also fail to blow your nose in the morning beacause according to the master of Islam, a Muslim must blow his nose in the morning as the devil always sleeps in every man’s nose each night.

"When any one of you awakes up from sleep and performs ablution, he must clean his nose three times, for the devil spends the night in the interior of his nose."
~Sahih Muslim 2:462


And since this buffoon didn't understant diseases you could get a flu because

The Prophet said, "Fever is from the heat of Hell”
~Sahih Bukhari 7:71:621


Or maybe you shoud get a woman or a horse or a house because they are evil Satanic omens

Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said "If there is any evil omen in anything, then it is in the woman, the horse and the house."
Sahih Bukhari 4:52:111


Or get a black dog. Muslims hate (black) dogs because the "black" dog was rebuked by the "prophet" for “being a devil.” Muhammad even ordered that all were to be slaughtered throughout Arabia.

Abu Dharr reported: The Messenger of 'Allah (may peace be upon him) said: When any one of you stands for prayer and there is a thing before him equal to the back of the saddle that covers him and in case there is not before him (a thing) equal to the back of the saddle, his prayer would be cut off by (passing of an) ass, woman, and black Dog. I said: O Abu Dharr, what feature is there in a black dog which distinguish it from the red dog and the yellow dog? He said: O, son of my brother, I asked the Messenger of Allah(may peace be upon him) as you are asking me, and he said: The black dog is a devil.
~Sahih Muslim 4:1032