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Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A: A man who is at two with the universe.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
this one is rather long-ish, so - spoiler tag
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his
birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave!
How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club
before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his
usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share
lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms
around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table
dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of
the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She
is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked
up a real bitch tonight, Dave."