I've been battling depression for many years now. I'm not sure how long it went undiagnosed. It got really bad about 5-6 years ago when I started having suicidal thoughts. I'm convinced my wife is the only thing that kept me grounded enough not to act on them, mostly because I was worried about what would happen to her. She finally convinced me to seek help. I felt I was climbing out but had another bad crash yesterday.
It was actually yesterday, during my relapse, that I had an epiphany. I think unexpressed or repressed anger can really contribute to the problem. My wife has said I don't express feelings well, something I've often heard before. During my epiphany, I realized I have a lot to be pissed about.
My financial situation for the last six years has been incredibly stressful, often living paycheck-to-paycheck and frequently running into too much month at the end of the money. Frankly, none of it is my goddamn fault. I've played by all the rules I was taught to believe in, I've always worked my ass off and yet, during that time, I've lived with maxed-out credit cards and the potential of bankruptcy always hanging over my head.
It was a tripple-whammy. First, in the early to mid-2000s, I made the critical error of investing heavily in real-estate. I had bought out the building that my business operates in, figuring that would save money in rent and also bought the condo I lived in, figuring the same. Sure, I ran shy on liquid assets but I was debt free, owning both the places I lived and worked in. What a beautiful condo I'd bought, too. It was part of a converted Victorian mansion, an old home with a lot of charm. And these were "safe investments", or so I was always led to believe.
Little did I know some really bad people on Wall Street were getting ready to crash the real estate market, hitting the condo market especially hard. So the value of my investments were shot even if I could find a buyer.
But wait, it gets better. In response to the crash, Fanny and Freddy came up with a new bone-headed, broad-brush rule: no mortgages for small condo associations like the one I lived in. Ever! Under any conditions! Oh, you sold it to the buyer well under market value? Fuck you, no mortgage! Oh, the buyer has great credit and lots of collateral? Fuck you, no mortgage! Oh, the association is solvent with thousands of dollars in the bank? Fuck you, no mortgage!
So how do you sell a condo if it belongs to a small association like mine? Just find a cash buyer. You know, someone who can write a six-figure check. How many of those do you suspect are out there?
So my wife and I are living in our home trying to sell my old condo. After going through two real estate agents, a third one finally had a buyer lined up for me. The unit was sold! Nature's God be praised! ...and that's when we found out about the new Fanny/Freddy rule. You'd think real estate agents charged with selling a condo would have clued me into that new rule but apparently not. So the deal fell through.
My wife hated it when I called it "my personal toxic asset" but what the fuck else should I call it? I'm paying property taxes on it (the government naturally does this on the basis of its value in 2005, after some appeals, I got them to come down a little but not to the price at which I tried but failed to sell it) and monthly maintenance on a property I can't sell. I was forced to rent it for a time and let me tell you, in my city, the rental market is hardly lucrative. At the best of months, I barely broke even. That's when the renters weren't breaking something and I couldn't prove it didn't break by wear-and-tear.
And you can't get a loan from real estate collateral. The banks will almost laugh at you. "Oh, you own it free-and-clear? That's nice. What else ya got?"
The bad people on Wall Street who wrecked the real estate market got their bailout. Where the fuck is mine?
Finally, the condo sold to a cash buyer for about $100,000 less than what I bought it for, not counting the estimated $30,000 in upgrades I put into it and all the interest I'd paid over the last few years in credit card debt I couldn't pay off because all my resources were effectively frozen in this toxic asset. And I was lucky to do that well.
The second whammy was my wife's health collapsed. She was in the ICU for a time and I was afraid I was going to lose her. Luckily she recovered and, also luckily, She and I had health insurance. So her medical care was only RUINOUSLY EXPENSIVE as opposed to completely unattainable. She'd have been one of the statistics of people who die without health care coverage otherwise.
So I had to liquidate my and her IRAs, our retirement savings, to cover the cost of her care. What the Hell, right? It's not like I wasn't planning to work until the day I die anyway. There were still other bills but we managed to get on payment plans with them. So hey, those were just other monthly bills to factor in.
The third was my business. Time was, and we're waxing nostalgic about 12 years ago, during the days of flowing milk and honey, that my business provided a good, steady living. You might not get rich but as long as you did your job, made sure work went out on time, made sure the quality was consistent and made sure your customer service was professional, that your customers would take care of you. There was no unemployment for techs in my field. The biggest headache was finding ones to work for you or training people from the ground up.
Then along comes China.
Their gulags work really well. They could undercut my price so low I couldn't even see it, let alone match it. My clients are doctors. You'd think they'd be worried about lead in the stuff they're giving their patients but apparently not. China gutted my share of the market to where we're half the size we used to be. Far from the market taking care of me for my hard work, the future is very iffy.
Why the Hell any small business owners still support Republicans is beyond me.
So, yeah, I'm pretty fucking mad at the world right about now. Rick Santelli is luck he wasn't within my arms reach when he spoke about the "losers" hurt by the real estate market, how Obama was bailing them out (he never has) and leave us poor Wall Street traders alone. Fuck you, Santelli. Fuck you, Tea Baggers. And Fuck anyone who still thinks "the makers" actually make anything anymore except financial calamity.
So unexpressed anger can lead to depression. Consider what might be making you angry that you're not talking about, like I just did.
Exercise and medication also help.
It was actually yesterday, during my relapse, that I had an epiphany. I think unexpressed or repressed anger can really contribute to the problem. My wife has said I don't express feelings well, something I've often heard before. During my epiphany, I realized I have a lot to be pissed about.
My financial situation for the last six years has been incredibly stressful, often living paycheck-to-paycheck and frequently running into too much month at the end of the money. Frankly, none of it is my goddamn fault. I've played by all the rules I was taught to believe in, I've always worked my ass off and yet, during that time, I've lived with maxed-out credit cards and the potential of bankruptcy always hanging over my head.
It was a tripple-whammy. First, in the early to mid-2000s, I made the critical error of investing heavily in real-estate. I had bought out the building that my business operates in, figuring that would save money in rent and also bought the condo I lived in, figuring the same. Sure, I ran shy on liquid assets but I was debt free, owning both the places I lived and worked in. What a beautiful condo I'd bought, too. It was part of a converted Victorian mansion, an old home with a lot of charm. And these were "safe investments", or so I was always led to believe.
Little did I know some really bad people on Wall Street were getting ready to crash the real estate market, hitting the condo market especially hard. So the value of my investments were shot even if I could find a buyer.
But wait, it gets better. In response to the crash, Fanny and Freddy came up with a new bone-headed, broad-brush rule: no mortgages for small condo associations like the one I lived in. Ever! Under any conditions! Oh, you sold it to the buyer well under market value? Fuck you, no mortgage! Oh, the buyer has great credit and lots of collateral? Fuck you, no mortgage! Oh, the association is solvent with thousands of dollars in the bank? Fuck you, no mortgage!
So how do you sell a condo if it belongs to a small association like mine? Just find a cash buyer. You know, someone who can write a six-figure check. How many of those do you suspect are out there?
So my wife and I are living in our home trying to sell my old condo. After going through two real estate agents, a third one finally had a buyer lined up for me. The unit was sold! Nature's God be praised! ...and that's when we found out about the new Fanny/Freddy rule. You'd think real estate agents charged with selling a condo would have clued me into that new rule but apparently not. So the deal fell through.
My wife hated it when I called it "my personal toxic asset" but what the fuck else should I call it? I'm paying property taxes on it (the government naturally does this on the basis of its value in 2005, after some appeals, I got them to come down a little but not to the price at which I tried but failed to sell it) and monthly maintenance on a property I can't sell. I was forced to rent it for a time and let me tell you, in my city, the rental market is hardly lucrative. At the best of months, I barely broke even. That's when the renters weren't breaking something and I couldn't prove it didn't break by wear-and-tear.
And you can't get a loan from real estate collateral. The banks will almost laugh at you. "Oh, you own it free-and-clear? That's nice. What else ya got?"
The bad people on Wall Street who wrecked the real estate market got their bailout. Where the fuck is mine?
Finally, the condo sold to a cash buyer for about $100,000 less than what I bought it for, not counting the estimated $30,000 in upgrades I put into it and all the interest I'd paid over the last few years in credit card debt I couldn't pay off because all my resources were effectively frozen in this toxic asset. And I was lucky to do that well.
The second whammy was my wife's health collapsed. She was in the ICU for a time and I was afraid I was going to lose her. Luckily she recovered and, also luckily, She and I had health insurance. So her medical care was only RUINOUSLY EXPENSIVE as opposed to completely unattainable. She'd have been one of the statistics of people who die without health care coverage otherwise.
So I had to liquidate my and her IRAs, our retirement savings, to cover the cost of her care. What the Hell, right? It's not like I wasn't planning to work until the day I die anyway. There were still other bills but we managed to get on payment plans with them. So hey, those were just other monthly bills to factor in.
The third was my business. Time was, and we're waxing nostalgic about 12 years ago, during the days of flowing milk and honey, that my business provided a good, steady living. You might not get rich but as long as you did your job, made sure work went out on time, made sure the quality was consistent and made sure your customer service was professional, that your customers would take care of you. There was no unemployment for techs in my field. The biggest headache was finding ones to work for you or training people from the ground up.
Then along comes China.
Their gulags work really well. They could undercut my price so low I couldn't even see it, let alone match it. My clients are doctors. You'd think they'd be worried about lead in the stuff they're giving their patients but apparently not. China gutted my share of the market to where we're half the size we used to be. Far from the market taking care of me for my hard work, the future is very iffy.
Why the Hell any small business owners still support Republicans is beyond me.
So, yeah, I'm pretty fucking mad at the world right about now. Rick Santelli is luck he wasn't within my arms reach when he spoke about the "losers" hurt by the real estate market, how Obama was bailing them out (he never has) and leave us poor Wall Street traders alone. Fuck you, Santelli. Fuck you, Tea Baggers. And Fuck anyone who still thinks "the makers" actually make anything anymore except financial calamity.
So unexpressed anger can lead to depression. Consider what might be making you angry that you're not talking about, like I just did.
Exercise and medication also help.
Atheist Forums Hall of Shame:
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
... -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
... -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
... -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
... -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
