When it comes to my own enjoyment I find compromise is the enemy.
I understand that for the sake of morality, rationally, and my own health... compromise is necessary.
But if I am to really enjoy the short time I have on this planet I find no bigger enemy than moderation and compromise. Because I'm so insatiable, nothing but total obsession satisfies me. And when obsession isn't expressed there on the outside it gets even stronger and more obsessive in the inside - inside my head.
I think perhaps there's a reason why I'm on 600mg of lithium mood stabilizer besides the 8 week psychotic episode I had and the fact it takes years to reduce the medication. At least it's so far been reduced from 800mg though... although that was partly due to my weight loss. I miss my obsessive extremely happy days where I was never ever bored or apathetic and always enthusiastic. Now my default state is boredom and/or apathy.
In one way my life is the best its ever been now. I'm at my healthiest mentally and physically.
In another way I think it's not as good because I miss the fact I am not so full of sheer enthusiasm and love of life any more. I feel mentally very old now even if I'm actually 22 just next month.
I understand that for the sake of morality, rationally, and my own health... compromise is necessary.
But if I am to really enjoy the short time I have on this planet I find no bigger enemy than moderation and compromise. Because I'm so insatiable, nothing but total obsession satisfies me. And when obsession isn't expressed there on the outside it gets even stronger and more obsessive in the inside - inside my head.
I think perhaps there's a reason why I'm on 600mg of lithium mood stabilizer besides the 8 week psychotic episode I had and the fact it takes years to reduce the medication. At least it's so far been reduced from 800mg though... although that was partly due to my weight loss. I miss my obsessive extremely happy days where I was never ever bored or apathetic and always enthusiastic. Now my default state is boredom and/or apathy.
In one way my life is the best its ever been now. I'm at my healthiest mentally and physically.
In another way I think it's not as good because I miss the fact I am not so full of sheer enthusiasm and love of life any more. I feel mentally very old now even if I'm actually 22 just next month.
