Existence: What the fuck is going on?

[Mudhammam]

If that is the effect of marijuana on you, you should never smoke it again. I mean that seriously.

I've thought about quitting but I also enjoy it quite a bit. True, there's a fine line between "I'm not high enough" and "Shit, my heart feels like its pounding out of my chest," but then after the peak the next one or two hours of calm makes everything in the world, but especially my thoughts, feel more in sync.

Are you saying you cannot decide whether to dwell on things or not? That you have no control over what you do? That you cannot decide to read and think about one thing, rather than read something else and think about other things instead?

To some extent, yes. I can choose not to think about it, but it still confronts me, like an accident I can't turn away from trying to catch a glimpse of the horror, or however you might describe it. I kind of blame my harsh evangelical upbringing on soaking my mind inside and out with existential concerns...after all, I admitted that I was a sinner and needed Jesus' redemption with the aid of this when I was five, at the guidance of an adult. No doubt whatever distresses I felt growing up in that highly repressive environment plays into my subconscious and probably always will. I remember as a child, probably not even ten, thinking and sobbing over the idea that my parents would die. I think it's something I will always obsess over to some degree.

Also, I think you have the "best scenario" wrong. It is better to die before one gets to that point. That is my hope and expectation. But I am not the sort to "do anything" to get a little bit more life.

I'm not sure if would I do anything, but I sure as hell ain't stubborn enough to protest if I were offered a way to prolong it some..

You might enjoy Seneca's letters 70 and 77 for more on that. If you need links for them, just ask, though wikipedia has them.

Right on. Once I get through Aristotle and the schools that dominated at the dusk of Greek dominance, I'll move into the Roman poets and philosophers.