I'd express myself but to be honest I don't think anybody actually cares, I think this is just a way for us to mentally masturbate over ourselves.
...Wait, I just expressed myself, didn't I?
I don't put a lot of value on what I think. Every so often there will be some sudden surge of emotional expression that explodes from everywhere and nowhere in my mind, but it's usually in extreme negatives, which is not so much a new feeling, as much as it is just the cap on the bottle popping off for a bit until I can get it back on. Before someone says I shouldn't bottle it up; better an explosion every so often than an endless gushing. Nobody likes a whiner. Doesn't matter how justified it may be. People just do not like to hear about other peoples' problems for any extended period of time. See, people are not very empathetic, I have long come to realize. People are solipsistic in the secondary definition of the word, wrapped up in their own issues. One person unable to buy a new model of car and moping about it will be wholly unwilling to hear someone crying about someone they loved who was lost long ago; the problem may be trivial but it is now; the other's problem may be great but it is past. Never mind the lingering effects particularly intense traumas will have on an individual; it's not now, so it's not important, at least not to others.
So. I keep it bottled up. Everyone's got their own problems right now. My problems are in the past, and even though they linger and my present is the consequence of my past, nobody will care to hear about that very much. I don't blame anyone for that...but then, that's not a very good reflection on how peoples' natures tend to be, now is it?
But I don't simply sit around and mope. I don't just complain about human nature. I go out and work against it. I devote my time to charity and volunteer-work when I'm not working. My own past experiences are a double-edged sword. They continue to haunt me and affect me to this day...but they give me insight. I understand better than most everyone else what people are feeling when they are going through shit. When someone is still feeling the dark cloud of someone's death lingering behind them years or even decades after it happened, and others are scoffing and telling that person to move on, I do not. Some pains linger and need to be shared with people who will listen. Doesn't matter how long ago it happened. Sometimes it keeps dragging you back, and being brusquely told to just move past it by unsympathetic jackasses doesn't help with that.
People who are selfish, however, piss me off. I'm running around cleaning up their mess when I am helping those who've been fucked over by them. And after a while, after you've fucked enough people over, when you've crossed some arbitrary line in my head, I go from merely hating you to wanting you seriously, permanently maimed, to eventually just outright hoping you die horribly, and if I ever come within the power to do so, I gladly will do just that.
I don't mean people who are selfish in that they focus on themselves and are just outmaneuvering people for promotions or charging higher prices for their products or just not giving a shit about the world around them to focus on their own happiness or any of that trivial shit. No, I mean people who are outright conning, swindling, or intentionally destroying other people for their own gain, and for the pettiest of reasons. The robber who steals the money from the store to feed his family because he can't get a job? I don't give a shit about that. The guy who rapes a woman because he just needs to feel powerful? I would gladly filet his fingers, twist a fork into his eyes, chop his dick off and choke him to death with it and laugh sadistically the entire time I did it. The businessmen who enslave an entire nation to overpriced gasoline and talk about oil shortages while production and demand is still in lockstep and their quarterly profits are at record highs? I would gladly shoot them in the face and think nothing of it. The mugger who beats people up to steal their money so he can smoke some meth? I'd like to pistol-whip him, sure. Where's the line? I dunno. It's emotionally-based; don't expect logic or cold reasoning from it. I am a creature of emotion just like everyone else. To deny that you are is foolishness and an outright lie through your teeth. I just merely accept it, let it consume me for a bit, and then exhale, relax, and move on with my day.
In a perfect world, nobody would need me. I should be grateful this isn't a perfect world...but all it really makes me feel is cold, bitter, and resentful. So I do what I do, because it gets rid of the coldness, the bitterness, the resentment. I take some comfort in knowing that while I can't stop the disease, I can still remedy the symptoms. Doing good for others makes me feel good. That's the selfishness I get out of it. It's just my selfishness doesn't fuck people over.
...Wait, I just expressed myself, didn't I?
I don't put a lot of value on what I think. Every so often there will be some sudden surge of emotional expression that explodes from everywhere and nowhere in my mind, but it's usually in extreme negatives, which is not so much a new feeling, as much as it is just the cap on the bottle popping off for a bit until I can get it back on. Before someone says I shouldn't bottle it up; better an explosion every so often than an endless gushing. Nobody likes a whiner. Doesn't matter how justified it may be. People just do not like to hear about other peoples' problems for any extended period of time. See, people are not very empathetic, I have long come to realize. People are solipsistic in the secondary definition of the word, wrapped up in their own issues. One person unable to buy a new model of car and moping about it will be wholly unwilling to hear someone crying about someone they loved who was lost long ago; the problem may be trivial but it is now; the other's problem may be great but it is past. Never mind the lingering effects particularly intense traumas will have on an individual; it's not now, so it's not important, at least not to others.
So. I keep it bottled up. Everyone's got their own problems right now. My problems are in the past, and even though they linger and my present is the consequence of my past, nobody will care to hear about that very much. I don't blame anyone for that...but then, that's not a very good reflection on how peoples' natures tend to be, now is it?
But I don't simply sit around and mope. I don't just complain about human nature. I go out and work against it. I devote my time to charity and volunteer-work when I'm not working. My own past experiences are a double-edged sword. They continue to haunt me and affect me to this day...but they give me insight. I understand better than most everyone else what people are feeling when they are going through shit. When someone is still feeling the dark cloud of someone's death lingering behind them years or even decades after it happened, and others are scoffing and telling that person to move on, I do not. Some pains linger and need to be shared with people who will listen. Doesn't matter how long ago it happened. Sometimes it keeps dragging you back, and being brusquely told to just move past it by unsympathetic jackasses doesn't help with that.
People who are selfish, however, piss me off. I'm running around cleaning up their mess when I am helping those who've been fucked over by them. And after a while, after you've fucked enough people over, when you've crossed some arbitrary line in my head, I go from merely hating you to wanting you seriously, permanently maimed, to eventually just outright hoping you die horribly, and if I ever come within the power to do so, I gladly will do just that.
I don't mean people who are selfish in that they focus on themselves and are just outmaneuvering people for promotions or charging higher prices for their products or just not giving a shit about the world around them to focus on their own happiness or any of that trivial shit. No, I mean people who are outright conning, swindling, or intentionally destroying other people for their own gain, and for the pettiest of reasons. The robber who steals the money from the store to feed his family because he can't get a job? I don't give a shit about that. The guy who rapes a woman because he just needs to feel powerful? I would gladly filet his fingers, twist a fork into his eyes, chop his dick off and choke him to death with it and laugh sadistically the entire time I did it. The businessmen who enslave an entire nation to overpriced gasoline and talk about oil shortages while production and demand is still in lockstep and their quarterly profits are at record highs? I would gladly shoot them in the face and think nothing of it. The mugger who beats people up to steal their money so he can smoke some meth? I'd like to pistol-whip him, sure. Where's the line? I dunno. It's emotionally-based; don't expect logic or cold reasoning from it. I am a creature of emotion just like everyone else. To deny that you are is foolishness and an outright lie through your teeth. I just merely accept it, let it consume me for a bit, and then exhale, relax, and move on with my day.
In a perfect world, nobody would need me. I should be grateful this isn't a perfect world...but all it really makes me feel is cold, bitter, and resentful. So I do what I do, because it gets rid of the coldness, the bitterness, the resentment. I take some comfort in knowing that while I can't stop the disease, I can still remedy the symptoms. Doing good for others makes me feel good. That's the selfishness I get out of it. It's just my selfishness doesn't fuck people over.
