Butt Wiping Techniques

[scoobysnack]

Are you sure you want to know?

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While still sitting, I lift one side of myself, usually the right side, thus allowing clear access to the dirty bit.
The toilet paper is 2-ply and 2 squares are usually all that's required.
Fold the first square so you get a rectangle of 4-ply and wipe the majority of the dirty bit, going from the front to back.
Fold that rectangle onto the next square to hide away the goo and repeat, but now, from back to front.
Fold again and repeat, front to back.
At each of these wipings, check is the toilet paper is coming out dirty... if not, it's done!

If there's still some gunk after the third fold, then bring out the heavy gun: wet tissues. Same technique, but you fold the tissue in half with each go... until you can fold it no further.
Then, more toilet paper to remove that wet feeling.

All done and clean.

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Oh man, you use entirely too little toilet paper, to the point I bet you get shit all over your hands. Are you trying to save trees or something? I buy the high quality stuff, not that sand paper stuff they use in the third world. I use like six squares at least for each cleansing motion. If you and I were taking battle shits in stalls next to each other, there's no way I could spare you a square haha. Although I would feel comfortable shaking anyone's hand immediately after crapping without washing my hands due to proper wiping techniques with the rational ratio of squares, I'd fear shaking your hand after defeating you in battle shits.

In many countries they don't have toilets. Public restrooms have a hole in the floor for everyone to squat at. What a bunch of savages! Here in the first world, we have a throne to sit on and contemplate the important decisions in life.

Funny thing is everyone looks at their toilet paper after each wipe at all shit smeared on it!

Another interesting factoid learned on the history channel, was that way back in the day people used to wipe with their left hand before there was toilet paper because most people were right handed and ate their food without silverware, and that's one reason you shook hands with your right hand to avoid getting the other persons crap all over you. Another reason was to show you didn't have a weapon in your dominant hand. Funny how the inventor of the toilet was Thomas Crapper, and now his name is synonymous with crap.