RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 10:41 pm
(This post was last modified: September 25, 2017 at 10:42 pm by Joods.)
(September 25, 2017 at 10:15 pm)Tres Leches Wrote: I'd also like to add, Stimbo, that I've not lost someone who was close to me suddenly but I've heard other people's stories of losing a loved one - and your feelings of "if only I did this or I shouldn't have done that and they would still be alive" is quite common. You're definitely not the only one who has felt at fault for another's passing even though it really wasn't.
-Teresa
And sometimes it's not even death. I found out Jordan was going to be born with Down syndrome 10 days before she was born. Ten. Days. I grieved the loss of a "normal" child for three days. I cried. I blamed myself. I wondered what I could have done differently during my pregnancy. I had quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant. I had tried to eat healthy. What did I do wrong?
Then I got in touch with a local Down Syndrome parent group and met families who had children with DS, ranging from a few years old to one that was in college. Yes college. This gave me hope. I stopped feeling guilty and started dreaming of all of the things my daughter could learn to do. There was hope.
I also learned that because it was a chromosomal abnormality, there wasn't anything I could or couldn't have done to prevent it because DS occurs at the moment of conception, when the pairs of chromosomes from each parent split in half to make the DNA of the baby. For some reason or another, the pair numbered 21, fails to split in either the mother or the father and the child ends up with three chromosomes numbered 21, thus calling Down syndrome by its medical name: Trisomy 21.
The point is: It wasn't my fault.
I stopped blaming myself, got involved in my daughter's upcoming birth, made arrangements ahead of time with my perinatalogist (an obstetrician specializing in high risk pregnancies) for her to be born at a hospital more suited to take care of her in a NICU and looked forward to her birth. It was a celebration, not a disappointment, so from that day on, her life was worth celebrating.
Bonus thought here:
She came into this world weighing just 5 pounds 7 ounces and just shy of 18 inches long, after an emergency c-section. Her first surgery was at 11 hours old. The first time I saw her, she was three hours old and OMG I finally knew what it felt like to actually be in love with another human. She spent nearly a month in the NICU, despite being born on time. This child, my child, was my entire reason for living. No longer did I look to blame myself for her having Down syndrome. In the years since, she's taught me patience (didn't walk until she was 3 years old) (didn't say "mama" until she was five years old), she's taught me courage (she's had a total of five surgeries), she's taught me kindness (she radiates a beautiful soul towards others because she's an empath) and she's taught me what it's like to love a special needs person. She's my hero.
(September 25, 2017 at 10:25 pm)The Valkyrie Wrote: This is what I like about this group.
We laugh, we joke, we're frivolous.
But when we see one of our members hurting we rally around them.
It's like we evil atheists have morals and empathy!
Who woulda thunk it?
We're actually sweet, decent people.
Disclaimer: I am only responsible for what I say, not what you choose to understand.