CIJS
I want to be away from here. My heart hurts. It's been over three years and I have come to accept that he will never allow me to see her again. She's two and a half miles up the fucking road. He's that manipulative. I have no way of grieving this loss because she's still living. But he controls everything and there's no amount of money in the world that's going to convince a corrupt judge that he's just some evil piece of shit that literally stole my child from me. It fucking hurts so bad. But there's three other kids that I do have in my life that need me NOW. But I feel like I'm giving up on her. Like I'm letting her go. I'm a bad mom for thinking this. But there isn't anything I can do. I feel so helpless because I can't do what needs to be done. The law is the law and he got away with breaking every aspect of it because he's sly and he put himself in a position of power.
Eight years. Eight fucking years since my own blood turned on me and sided with that abusive pile of shit. She wrote me off quicker than you can spit on the sidewalk. She put him on some sort of a pedestal and left me standing there without my child. And she didn't care. She helped twist that knife further and further into my back and she just didn't care.
I love my kids so much. I love my stepsons like they were my own. So how can a mother do that to her own daughter? How can a mother look her own blood in the eye and lie under oath and side with an abusive, psychotic animal and just do it like it was okay? Because she never loved me. She never had the burning desire to love me, like I love my own children. I fell in love with all of my kids and that is a love like no other. That sort of love makes you so connected to your babies that you feel sick at the thought of anything bad happening to any one of them. She didn't feel that for me. She just didn't care. So she helped that monster steal my joy and steal my life by stealing my child.
So I have to get away. I cannot continue to live where it hurts, where I am reminded daily, of the loss I cannot grieve. I have been denied of four birthdays, four christmases, four of every single holiday that has come about since September 15th, 2014. And I can't deal with it anymore. This is literally killing me. And yes - you can literally die of a broken heart.
But I am so torn. The other three kids need me to be present in their lives. They don't need a mom who cries every day. They need a strong mom, because for the boys - especially the boys - I am literally all they have. Their own mother picked her abusive man over her children and their father has pretty much checked out of the whole parenting thing. So I will continue to love them and give them what their birth parents won't.
Six years. Six more years and I can leave this state. So I will continue to live with six more years of being tormented by the fact that I have a child living right up the road, who I will never see again. There's a reason to not believe in a god and this is it. No god should ever be allowed to be this cruel to give a special needs child a mother who loves her unconditionally, and then rip her away from that love and expect the mother to be okay with it. That is torture. That is pure evil and that is most certainly NOT indicative of any loving god. This is a hurt like no other and I didn't deserve any of that shit.
I want to be away from here. My heart hurts. It's been over three years and I have come to accept that he will never allow me to see her again. She's two and a half miles up the fucking road. He's that manipulative. I have no way of grieving this loss because she's still living. But he controls everything and there's no amount of money in the world that's going to convince a corrupt judge that he's just some evil piece of shit that literally stole my child from me. It fucking hurts so bad. But there's three other kids that I do have in my life that need me NOW. But I feel like I'm giving up on her. Like I'm letting her go. I'm a bad mom for thinking this. But there isn't anything I can do. I feel so helpless because I can't do what needs to be done. The law is the law and he got away with breaking every aspect of it because he's sly and he put himself in a position of power.
Eight years. Eight fucking years since my own blood turned on me and sided with that abusive pile of shit. She wrote me off quicker than you can spit on the sidewalk. She put him on some sort of a pedestal and left me standing there without my child. And she didn't care. She helped twist that knife further and further into my back and she just didn't care.
I love my kids so much. I love my stepsons like they were my own. So how can a mother do that to her own daughter? How can a mother look her own blood in the eye and lie under oath and side with an abusive, psychotic animal and just do it like it was okay? Because she never loved me. She never had the burning desire to love me, like I love my own children. I fell in love with all of my kids and that is a love like no other. That sort of love makes you so connected to your babies that you feel sick at the thought of anything bad happening to any one of them. She didn't feel that for me. She just didn't care. So she helped that monster steal my joy and steal my life by stealing my child.
So I have to get away. I cannot continue to live where it hurts, where I am reminded daily, of the loss I cannot grieve. I have been denied of four birthdays, four christmases, four of every single holiday that has come about since September 15th, 2014. And I can't deal with it anymore. This is literally killing me. And yes - you can literally die of a broken heart.
But I am so torn. The other three kids need me to be present in their lives. They don't need a mom who cries every day. They need a strong mom, because for the boys - especially the boys - I am literally all they have. Their own mother picked her abusive man over her children and their father has pretty much checked out of the whole parenting thing. So I will continue to love them and give them what their birth parents won't.
Six years. Six more years and I can leave this state. So I will continue to live with six more years of being tormented by the fact that I have a child living right up the road, who I will never see again. There's a reason to not believe in a god and this is it. No god should ever be allowed to be this cruel to give a special needs child a mother who loves her unconditionally, and then rip her away from that love and expect the mother to be okay with it. That is torture. That is pure evil and that is most certainly NOT indicative of any loving god. This is a hurt like no other and I didn't deserve any of that shit.
Disclaimer: I am only responsible for what I say, not what you choose to understand.