Divorce and the kids

[Angrboda]

Just a stray thought, but perhaps the specifics of the divorce and its impact are less important than finding some way to ensure both parents are committed to honesty about the changes and the relationship, and an effort is made to help the children understand it on their terms. Maybe this isn't coming out right, but I'm thinking perhaps focusing on how what the parents do will affect your children may be less useful than focusing on what the children need, regardless of the specific resolution. Maybe I'm oversimplifying. I'm not a parent and have never been in a committed long termrelationship, so I'm just.... I don't know. Something.

[frankiej]

My parents divorced when I was about 12. Didn't affect me much at all.

[sarcasticgeographer]

Ivy:

I didn't vote either, since the option of divorce is a very subjective one. It really depends on the situation and people involved. Personally, my parents were reckless in their arguments, with name calling, silent treatments, and rage, which were detrimental for my sister and I. Finally, my parents divorced when I was a teenager and it devastated me. But, what I didn't realize at the time was that my parent's toxic relationship is what did the most damage. To this very day, I still have issues with my upbringing.

My parent's relationship annihilated my sense of love and compassion with respect to relationships. I learned at a very young age a very sour and sadistic form of love.

So, here is my 2 cents. Is your relationship so incredibly toxic that it has potential to devour the innocence of your children, then divorce may be the only option. If the relationship is not so toxic, then evaluate your circumstances. Divorce should only be an option if the situation is too toxic.

[NoraBrimstone]

Why should divorce "only be an option if" anything? If you're not happy in a relationship, leave! You can hardly just go "I'll stay with him/her and be miserable for the rest of this life, then just not marry him/her in my next chance at life." This is the only life we get and it's too short to waste with people we are no longer happy with.

[Zazzy]

Divorce should only be an option if the situation is too toxic.

I disagree. Parents can simply not love each other anymore without being toxic to each other. I know people who stayed in loveless marriages where they were essentially best friends for years, denying themselves love and passion for the sake of the kids. There is no reason to waste your youth on a loveless marriage, even if it's amiable.

[sarcasticgeographer]

Why should divorce "only be an option if" anything? If you're not happy in a relationship, leave! You can hardly just go "I'll stay with him/her and be miserable for the rest of this life, then just not marry him/her in my next chance at life." This is the only life we get and it's too short to waste with people we are no longer happy with.

It is this same thinking that leads to so many divorces. Most people treat it like an ice cream store, just go in and try it and see what happens. Oh, and if I don't like it, then I will just return it.

One word, commitment. Think about the lesson you are teaching your children, if you have any.

[max-greece]

Divorce should only be an option if the situation is too toxic.

I disagree. Parents can simply not love each other anymore without being toxic to each other. I know people who stayed in loveless marriages where they were essentially best friends for years, denying themselves love and passion for the sake of the kids. There is no reason to waste your youth on a loveless marriage, even if it's amiable.

Possibly interestingly I would say it more important for a couple to be best friends than lovers.

At some point in a marriage the passion is going to fade - its what you have to replace it that determines whether you can be happy together thereafter.

[NoraBrimstone]

Why should divorce "only be an option if" anything? If you're not happy in a relationship, leave! You can hardly just go "I'll stay with him/her and be miserable for the rest of this life, then just not marry him/her in my next chance at life." This is the only life we get and it's too short to waste with people we are no longer happy with.

It is this same thinking that leads to so many divorces. Most people treat it like an ice cream store, just go in and try it and see what happens. Oh, and if I don't like it, then I will just return it.

One word, commitment. Think about the lesson you are teaching your children, if you have any.

Gah. What is wrong with divorce? People change. They fall out of love. Why should a ring and a piece of paper mean you're trapped forever?

I'd rather teach kids to let themselves be happy, and not to waste their lives.

[Zazzy]

Possibly interestingly I would say it more important for a couple to be best friends than lovers.

I know what you're saying, but sex is really important to most people- it's hard to be happy without it. The best relationships are best friends who have rocking sex, too. I just don't think it's right to ask a parent to be starved of a very basic need.

At some point in a marriage the passion is going to fade - its what you have to replace it that determines whether you can be happy together thereafter.

Sometimes. But my mother and her boyfriend are in their 70s and have been together for almost 20 years, and they're just embarrassingly, grossly passionate and sexual still. It's wonderful even though it makes me squirm, and I hope everyone can have this for as long as they have. Some people feel OK with settling. It's just awful for others.

[Raeven]

I've always said I ASPIRE to Friend With Benefits. When you hit the Love, Lust and Like trifecta, then that is the very best relationship that can ever be. My Dad always said, the love and the lust are easy. It's the like that is the hard part -- but it's the like that gets you through. He was right.

I approach all relationships through friendship. Sometimes (only once in my lifetime so far), they catch fire. Love readily follows. With that combination, you can overcome anything. Without it, it's like trying to sit on a 3-legged stool... that's missing a leg.