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Friends trying to 'save' me
March 23, 2014 at 3:48 pm
Recently I 'came out' to a few more friends of mine that I have given up religion. One of these friends of mine is rather religious herself, and since has been constantly dogging me to come along with her to her church. She says you don't even have to believe in God, and that it's more for the community aspect of religion. I really don't want to go, and I've told her nicely quite a few times but she's insistent. I really feel like she thinks it's her personal mission to save me from atheism. I don't want to hurt her feelings as she does mean well (I can only assume at least), and she is a very good friend of mine (she says my giving up religion will not change our relationship in any way, and so far it hasn't so thats good at least). I just don't know how to tell her I'm not interested nicely anymore.
Has anyone else had similar problems with friends after leaving faith? I am starting to feel like I should just go once, and then let her know it's not for me; but I'm really trying to distance myself completely from religion as much as possible right now. Considering my condition I don't want anything to possibly place a delusion in my head again about religion; and I don't know how to say THAT to her without sounding like I'm straight calling her deluded (even though that's what she is in my opinion it's not polite and I'd like to remain as polite as possible considering she's been a good friend of mine since high school).
Any tips for doing this nicely?
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RE: Friends trying to 'save' me
March 23, 2014 at 3:52 pm
Yeah, my grandmother brings it up sometimes that I need to go to church. My sister and brother in law would like it too, but they don't pester me about it. They do get a bit sensitive if I say or do anything around the kids against religion. Like when I'm not bowing my head at the dinner table. Which me, my sister, and my parents never did when it was just us at home.
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RE: Friends trying to 'save' me
March 23, 2014 at 3:55 pm
Use the word 'boundary.'
For years my mom used to try to get me to go to church with them on special occasions. She would try to guilt trip me, saying 'come to be with family' or 'I just want to be with you while you are in town.' Stuff like that. Finally, I told her that it was a boundary I will not cross. If she would like to continue to cross that boundary, that's up to her.
Most people are averse to crossing boundaries that are clearly defined.
"There remain four irreducible objections to religious faith: that it wholly misrepresents the origins of man and the cosmos, that because of this original error it manages to combine the maximum servility with the maximum of solipsism, that it is both the result and the cause of dangerous sexual repression, and that it is ultimately grounded on wish-thinking." ~Christopher Hitchens, god is not Great
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RE: Friends trying to 'save' me
March 23, 2014 at 3:56 pm
(March 23, 2014 at 3:52 pm)Chad32 Wrote: Yeah, my grandmother brings it up sometimes that I need to go to church. My sister and brother in law would like it too, but they don't pester me about it. They do get a bit sensitive if I say or do anything around the kids against religion. Like when I'm not bowing my head at the dinner table. Which me, my sister, and my parents never did when it was just us at home.
I can imagine it being even worse with family :\ At least I don't have to see her unless I choose to; but I really enjoy spending time with her..it's just becoming tiresome to hear about religion all the time. It's like she wants to talk about it more now that I'm not religious than when I was :\ Hopefully your family starts easing off pretty soon. I was at least lucky enough to have a family that isn't very religious (save a few members etc).
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RE: Friends trying to 'save' me
March 23, 2014 at 3:57 pm
Tell them you will be atheist for the rest of your life and if god is not evil you got nothing to worry about.
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RE: Friends trying to 'save' me
March 23, 2014 at 3:57 pm
(March 23, 2014 at 3:48 pm)OGirly Wrote: Recently I 'came out' to a few more friends of mine that I have given up religion. One of these friends of mine is rather religious herself, and since has been constantly dogging me to come along with her to her church. She says you don't even have to believe in God, and that it's more for the community aspect of religion. I really don't want to go, and I've told her nicely quite a few times but she's insistent. I really feel like she thinks it's her personal mission to save me from atheism. I don't want to hurt her feelings as she does mean well (I can only assume at least), and she is a very good friend of mine (she says my giving up religion will not change our relationship in any way, and so far it hasn't so thats good at least). I just don't know how to tell her I'm not interested nicely anymore.
Has anyone else had similar problems with friends after leaving faith? I am starting to feel like I should just go once, and then let her know it's not for me; but I'm really trying to distance myself completely from religion as much as possible right now. Considering my condition I don't want anything to possibly place a delusion in my head again about religion; and I don't know how to say THAT to her without sounding like I'm straight calling her deluded (even though that's what she is in my opinion it's not polite and I'd like to remain as polite as possible considering she's been a good friend of mine since high school).
Any tips for doing this nicely?
My advice, don't go to appease her if that is the only reason. She needs to respect where you are, with this whole thing. If she doesn't judge, let's see that play out in actions. I lost three friends, one very recently, over 'leaving' the faith. The last one hurt the most, as it was a bit abrupt. She might have been feeling things she never said for a while, but never said anything until recently. It hurts to lose people you considered friends, but you can't be someone you are not, to keep them.
Old saying, one should rather be hated for who he/she is, than liked for who he/she is not.
It is a hard spot, OGirly. I hope your friendships last, and that your friends respect your boundaries. hugs~*~
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RE: Friends trying to 'save' me
March 23, 2014 at 3:57 pm
(This post was last modified: March 23, 2014 at 3:59 pm by OGirly.)
(March 23, 2014 at 3:55 pm)SteelCurtain Wrote: Use the word 'boundary.'
For years my mom used to try to get me to go to church with them on special occasions. She would try to guilt trip me, saying 'come to be with family' or 'I just want to be with you while you are in town.' Stuff like that. Finally, I told her that it was a boundary I will not cross. If she would like to continue to cross that boundary, that's up to her.
Most people are averse to crossing boundaries that are clearly defined.
I'll try this! Hopefully wording it more forcefully will be enough.
(March 23, 2014 at 3:57 pm)Deidre32 Wrote: My advice, don't go to appease her if that is the only reason. She needs to respect where you are, with this whole thing. If she doesn't judge, let's see that play out in actions. I lost three friends, one very recently, over 'leaving' the faith. The last one hurt the most, as it was a bit abrupt. She might have been feeling things she never said for a while, but never said anything until recently. It hurts to lose people you considered friends, but you can't be someone you are not, to keep them.
Old saying, one should rather be hated for who he/she is, than liked for who he/she is not.
It is a hard spot, OGirly. I hope your friendships last, and that your friends respect your boundaries. hugs~*~
Sigh...it's a sticky spot to be in :\ Sorry to hear about your lost friends. It's never easy when you have to accept someone is not going to be a part of your life anymore. I really hope it doesn't come to that for me, but who knows anymore. People get so caught up in religion :\
Thanks for the consolation though. It's at least comforting to know there are others with similar experiences.
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RE: Friends trying to 'save' me
March 23, 2014 at 4:03 pm
I hope you don't lose their friendships, either. In the end if that happens, it's better to know that the only glue that held you all together, was that you believed as they did in a god. Religion tends to breed conformity. It doesn't really advocate individual thinking, sadly. Kind of breeds herd mentality.
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RE: Friends trying to 'save' me
March 23, 2014 at 4:35 pm
Remind her of what she told you, that your relationship wasn't going to change. If now she is trying to get you to go to church, something she never used to do, then that means that the relationship has changed to a degree.
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RE: Friends trying to 'save' me
March 23, 2014 at 4:44 pm
OGirly, while you're trying extra hard to be polite, she is being extremely rude. You've told her you don't want to go, but she keeps bugging you about it.
You don't need to tip toe around her. You need to firmly state: "I have told you countless times I do not want to go to church. If you would like to continue our friendship, you will not disrespect me or my decisions by constantly countering them, because true friends accept each other for who they are. I haven't asked you to give up your religion."
Or something to that effect.
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