Dealing with Religious Family Members

[Geekyalbatross]

Hi! New here. I've been an atheist for a long time now. My family is cool with it, most of then are agnostic or ex-Catholic, some are Buddhist now - they're all open minded people, so we all talk openly about theology, etc. It's pretty awesome. Anyway, my sister lives here in FL with me, away from most of our other family, so we are each other's family here . I hang out with her often and we're close. She is marrying into an EXTREMELY religious Christian family, and I know some of them do not like the fact that I'm an atheist. I have no problem with that, I'm pretty non confrontational and don't really care what they think. The mother in law is like, attached at the hip to her family, her sons and now my sister, since she is marrying one of this lady's sons. She's a very sweet lady, has never been anything but nice to me, and doesn't talk about my lack of faith in front of me. We get along and I have to see her a lot because she seems to always be around. No problem there. In her house, if we have dinner that she cooks she does the prayer before eating thing, and I hold hands with them, don't pray, just showing respect as I'm in her house. Anyway, we were at a mall food court and she wanted to do the same. In public, that makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't think I have an obligation to hold hands and play along when I'm not in her house. How to I tell her this without offending her? How do I make her understand that I find it inappropriate to do religious things I public, especially when she knows I'm against those things personally? Don't want to make it awkward for us or for my sister, but want to make sure I assert that my disbelief is as important to my identity as her belief. Thanks for any advice and thoughts! - Lisa

[rexbeccarox]

Welcome, Lisa

Have you asked your sister what she thinks?

[Geekyalbatross]

I've talked to her about it and she is kind of caught in the middle, she feels uncomfortable about how overt they are with their religion, fully knowing myself and others on her side of the family have differing views. She also is a Christian herself now, and of course respects them and obviously doesn't want to rock the boat, you know. She doesn't really know how to approach the problem either, is what I'm getting at. Just trying to get some perspectives on how to be respectful, while also asserting a right to be respected as well.

[ShaMan]

Many christians make public displays of tradition (prayer etc.) as a means of bolstering their own weakening faith. Oftentimes, overtly demonstrative behaviors reflect some form of insecurity. I'm not saying that's the case for your situation, but it may be worth considering in making your decision on how to best handle the matter moving forward.

[rexbeccarox]

How about talk to the MIL in private, and ask her something like, "would you mind terribly respecting my lack of belief when we're in public as I'm respectful of your belief when we're in private?" And then maybe talk to her about it making you uncomfortable. Use lots of "I"s instead of "you"s too.

A good friend of mine has parents who like to say grace at every meal, even in public, and I basically did the above. They barely even flinched and never suggested I pray with them again. Our relationship actually changed for the better a little.

[genkaus]

In public, that makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't think I have an obligation to hold hands and play along when I'm not in her house. How to I tell her this without offending her? How do I make her understand that I find it inappropriate to do religious things I public, especially when she knows I'm against those things personally? Don't want to make it awkward for us or for my sister, but want to make sure I assert that my disbelief is as important to my identity as her belief. Thanks for any advice and thoughts! - Lisa

I'm guessing that since you are non-confrontational, any conversations about it would be uncomfortable as well. Here are a few tips that might work.

1. Start eating as soon as the food comes.
2. If its an option, take on the responsibility of serving food to the rest of the group - this gives you something to do while they finish their prayers.
3. While you are waiting for food, get your hands messy - like putting ketchup on your plate and licking it off your fingers. That should get you out of any hand-holding.
4. Excuse yourself to go wash your hands when you see them getting ready to pray.
5. Develop your own obsessive pre-meal ritual - rearranging forks and spoons, fiddling with the napkin etc.
6. If possible, indicate that you are quite hungry and can't wait to get started - like saying "what's taking so long" or "finally". In that case delaying the eating for prayer would be rude.

I'd suggest trying one or more of these things on a regular basis until the message gets across that you are just not that into prayer. If anyone tries to push it despite that, try saying "No thanks" casually, as if you were refusing salt.

[vorlon13]

If folks want their faiths 'respected', they need to be respectful of other beliefs or non-beliefs.


(However, I FULLY expect those who are truly FAITHFUL to be totally intolerant asshats about other faiths)

(yeppers, the religious folks always be fucking up in my view, no matter what they be doing)

[The Grand Nudger]

My duaghter has this one down pat.

Her grandfather asks "Who would like to say grace"
-She says "GRACE!" and immediately shoves her hand into her mashed potatos. All parties satisfied, amiright?

[C4RM5]

I think you should just be open and explain why you don't what to do it, explain that you are not trying to be rude, you just don't share the same beliefs.

I am Christian and if someone said this to me I would understand and apologise for making you feel like you had to take part.

[Geekyalbatross]

Lol I love the idea of just yelling "Grace"! That made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the advice, especially using the "I" instead of "You" - that makes a lot of sense. Next time I see her I'll take her aside and have a conversation. I have no doubt there is a part of her that believes she is right and I'm wrong, but she's a kind enough person that I think she'll at least keep that to herself and be accommodating. It's a weird situation for me because by circumstance and by choice I'm generally surrounded by like minded or free thinking people, and encountering this kind of rabid faith is always a little disconcerting. It's like going back in time .