Have to Go To Church

[CloverGrace]

So I've been an athiest for some time now, but I haven't told my parents. Tommorrow is going to be our first day of going back to church since the summer, and my mom just gave me this speech about how I should be listening instead of just reading through the service like I've done in the past. I'm not sure what I should do because I really don't want to go, but I can't tell my parents I'm an athiest. What should I do to get through the service? Thatnks for your help and sorry for the bad sentence structure.

[Chad32]

Generally it's better to wait until you're out of the house and on your own before coming out to parents. 

As for the church thing, I don't know. Just find something to pass the time without being obvious about it. I remember being in a pretty liberal church. Like if the service went too long, and I got too hungry for lunch, I'd just leave the building and walk home. Like you been going on for an hour and a half, pastor, and my stomach is yelling at me. I'm outie.

[Minimalist]

Eat beans prior to going.  Fart loudly.

[Athene]

People-watching is usually interesting; There's a lot of folks to observe at church. 
Try to figure out what they do for a living, or determine who's most likely to have bodies buried in their backyard; that sort of thing.

You could also "take notes" on the service. Doodle, do some creative writing, or make some to-do lists instead. 
Just make sure you look up every few moments and nod a little like you're interested.

Bring some gum or mints, work in a bathroom break or two, and you should muddle through okay.

[Cecelia]

Do math problems in your head.

"5x + 12 = 35. Okay let's see... 35 - 12 is 23. 23 / 5 is... 5 goes into 23 4 times, with 3 left over. 5 goes into 30... 6 times, so x = 4.6! Oh great, we're standing again aren't we?"

[Cato]

Do math problems in your head.  

"5x + 12 = 35.  Okay let's see... 35 - 12 is 23.  23 / 5 is... 5 goes into 23 4 times, with 3 left over.  5 goes into 30... 6 times, so x = 4.6!  Oh great, we're standing again aren't we?"

Does conjuring a proof of 1+1+1=1 qualify?

[Gawdzilla Sama]

I met my current wife in Old Town Albuquerque. We were walking past a Catholic church at one point and I decided to test something. I gave her the car keys and my wallet. Then I step on consecrated ground.

Nothing.

[Iroscato]

1) Learn Aramaic - keywords to focus on include "darkness" "vengeance" "bloodshed" and "harbinger"

2) Acquire a roll of mentos and a bottle of coke

3) Go to church

4) Surreptitiously empty the mentos into your mouth and take a swig of coke

5) Accompany the resulting foam tsunami with a blood-curdling scream and loud utterances in your newly-learned Aramaic. For best effect, point dramatically at the pastor and affix him with a vengeful gaze

6) Never be invited to church again

7) Never, ever take advice from Iro. This is the most important step of all. In fact, I should've put this first. Ah well, what's the worst that could happen?

[SteelCurtain]

You won't be a kid forever.

My advice: get good grades, go to college out of state, and don't worry about church.

I was never really a Christian. I pretended for a while to make my life easier. When I got to college, I told my parents that I didn't believe. They didn't respond nearly as bad as I thought they would. Also, if your family only goes to church during certain seasons, you'll probably be okay to tell them... But you know them and we don't so if you don't think they'd respond well, then just grin and bear it until you don't have to.

Something I did---volunteer to be an usher or a Sunday School helper or something. You can babysit squalling kids instead of listening to a droning sermon.

[Minimalist]

I met my current wife in Old Town Albuquerque. We were walking past a Catholic church at one point and I decided to test something. I gave her the car keys and my wallet. Then I step on consecrated ground.

Nothing.

You should have taken a piss on their lawn.