What kind of a Jesus movie would you make?

[Fake Messiah]

Movies about Jesus are everywhere. There are millions of them, and more are made every year. Sometimes they are made for artsy-fartsy reasons and sometimes by Stephen Baldwin (e.g. Peter: The Redemption), but they all end up looking like a Stephen Baldwin movie.

So you are a movie director, and a studio boss is throwing money at you and ordering that you make him a movie about Jesus. It doesn't matter what kind of movie (it can be set in the future, past, present, it can be a Western, horror, sports, opera, erotica, action, detective) as long as it is about a guy named Jesus and preserves themes from the Bible to make him recognizable that it is about him.

What do you do? What kind of movie do you make?


I would make a movie set in past (NT times) in which Jesus was a gay guy who had 12 disciples fighting for social justice. As he was a miracle god-man, he impregnates his beloved disciple John, which scares people around them, and thus this is the reason they crucify him. Judas gets jealous because he was the one who wanted to carry Jesus' semen to full term, so he betrays him with a kiss.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I’d make a film set just before, during, and after Jesus’ purported lifetime, laying out how messianic prophecies and Jewish eschatology led to the invention of the Jesus of Nazareth character.

Boru

[brewer]

A ragtag group of indivudals, who didn't want to or couldn't work, following a charasmitic leader. They would rome from town to town preaching and asking for handouts. Then they would claim that the leader performed miracles after the group were three or more towns away. Word of mouth would exaggerate the initial bogus claim(s).

What's the quote, 'there's a sucker is born every minute'?

[Angrboda]

I'd focus on Jesus' multiple personalities. Make it a drama about how his hidden divine side is at war with his understandably frightened human side.

[Foxaèr]

Read the ending of my Sapience novel to find out.

There are a couple chapters near the end where I touched upon that time period in history.

[Anomalocaris]

I’d focus on Jesus’ corpse rotting.     If there ever existed the “jesus”, then the only thing about him of which we can be absolutely and entirely certain is he died and did not rise from the dead.    So that would be the only thing the movie can depict without fear of being historically inaccurate.      coincidentally, that also happen to be one thing about him around which has long been a disgraceful amount confusion, in dire and vastly overdue need of clarification.

[no one]

A muppet movie where jesus play the villain. He's upset with Miss Piggy for stealing muhammad away.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Gay Jesus buys a disco in Jerusalem. Magic Mike decides he's bi.

[no one]

Body of christ takes on new meaning, huh?

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Booty of Christ.