(April 1, 2019 at 11:40 pm)Thena323 Wrote: Hmm. I did find it odd that you seemed so thoroughly convinced that your wife would attempt to press charges against you just for brushing against her or moving her to the side as you went to go take a walk.

So, what did your wife want to talk to you about on that particular day?

No, she probably wouldn't press charges. But I know that when a man is angry, you don't touch a woman. You just don't. Because if you do, things are going to go south very fast.

---

(April 1, 2019 at 11:45 pm)Belaqua Wrote: It's interesting to me that you're in Korea. I don't know if that's relevant to the situation or not.

Marriages here in Japan are different from US marriages. It took me a while to figure this out. 

When I first got here, ladies I knew would tell me about the vacations they were planning, and I'd say, that's cool, is your husband going with you? and they'd look puzzled and say -- no, why would he? They had their own thing going on.

Yeah, it's definitely relevant. My age and station mean that other expats and I are, for the most part, not really going to have enough in common to be good friends. Korean friends-- just no. It's always been my wife, and the expectation that we'd be back in Canada sooner rather than later. We were meant to be king and queen of our world.

That expectation started 20 years ago. Financial issues starting with the banking collapse about 10 years ago have kind of stuck us in limbo. The problem gets worse-- I've been away from Canada so long that my home town is no longer a place I recognize, Canadian attitudes about things have changed in ways I don't like. Basically, I've gone through a wormhole to another dimension, and there's no way back. EVEN IF things go swimmingly and we save a couple million dollars and return to Canada to buy a luxurious home with cash aplenty to live off-- meh, I don't think it's going to do much for me. At this point, I'll just be typing from a room with slightly different wallpaper.

(April 1, 2019 at 11:47 pm)bennyboy Wrote:

(April 1, 2019 at 11:40 pm)Thena323 Wrote: Hmm. I did find it odd that you seemed so thoroughly convinced that your wife would attempt to press charges against you just for brushing against her or moving her to the side as you went to go take a walk.

So, what did your wife want to talk to you about on that particular day?

No, she probably wouldn't press charges.  But I know that when a man is angry, you don't touch a woman.  You just don't.  Because if you do, things are going to go south very fast.

So, what did your wife want to talk to you about on that particular day?

(April 2, 2019 at 12:03 am)Thena323 Wrote:

(April 1, 2019 at 11:47 pm)bennyboy Wrote: No, she probably wouldn't press charges.  But I know that when a man is angry, you don't touch a woman.  You just don't.  Because if you do, things are going to go south very fast.

So, what did your wife want to talk to you about on that particular day?

I don't recall.

(April 2, 2019 at 12:11 am)bennyboy Wrote:

(April 2, 2019 at 12:03 am)Thena323 Wrote: So, what did your wife want to talk to you about on that particular day?

I don't recall.

Right.
I knew you were taking great pains to leave out a crucial detail in this story; One that completely change the narrative.

And now I'm positive I've figured out what it is.
Pretty-fucked up move, tossing your wife under the bus like that. And for what?



I'm going to bed.

(April 2, 2019 at 12:47 am)Thena323 Wrote:

(April 2, 2019 at 12:11 am)bennyboy Wrote: I don't recall.

Right.
I knew you were taking great pains to leave out a crucial detail in this story; One that completely change the narrative.

And now I'm positive I've figured out what it is.
Pretty-fucked up move, tossing your wife under the bus like that. And for what?



I'm going to bed.

?

Really?  Can you remember the details of arguments you had 10 years ago?  If so. . . congratulations?

(April 1, 2019 at 5:40 pm)bennyboy Wrote:

(April 1, 2019 at 5:32 pm)Mathilda Wrote: bennyboy. You use the word triggered. Do you mean that literally as in something has connected with a traumatic event in your life? Because if so, your anger is a symptom of a deeper pain that needs to be healed.

No, I mean triggered along the lines of fight/flight mechanism, i.e. a deep and automatic response that once a certain critical emotional mass is arrived at, is no longer in any way under control of the individual's conscious intent.

But that also happens when you get triggered by a memory of a traumatic event. It can be difficult sometimes to recognise that you are getting triggered, especially if you don't normally have a history of it. Of course if you don't have any traumatic events in your past then obviously it's not the cause.

I'm now starting to get triggered by things but then I'm also now no longer suppressing my emotions and am starting to face up to traumatic events from my past. But before that, I would sometimes have trouble controlling my temper. That's because I've only learned to choose fight rather than flight. I suppose it wouldn't even require a traumatic event, just being raised in an environment steeped in physical violence would be enough.

(April 2, 2019 at 2:13 am)Mathilda Wrote:

(April 1, 2019 at 5:40 pm)bennyboy Wrote: No, I mean triggered along the lines of fight/flight mechanism, i.e. a deep and automatic response that once a certain critical emotional mass is arrived at, is no longer in any way under control of the individual's conscious intent.

But that also happens when you get triggered by a memory of a traumatic event. It can be difficult sometimes to recognise that you are getting triggered, especially if you don't normally have a history of it. Of course if you don't have any traumatic events in your past then obviously it's not the cause.

I'm now starting to get triggered by things but then I'm also now no longer suppressing my emotions and am starting to face up to traumatic events from my past. But before that, I would sometimes have trouble controlling my temper. That's because I've only learned to choose fight rather than flight. I suppose it wouldn't even require a traumatic event, just being raised in an environment steeped in physical violence would be enough.

I think you'd have to look pretty hard to find someone with anger problems who wasn't fairly seriously neglected, abused, or traumatized.  If you are under the illusion that the world is generally a safe and welcoming place, why would you really ever face a fight/flight situation?

Other animals, except maybe for a few pets, aren't under that illusion.  It takes a life time of sheltered world-view formation to arrive at the idea that civilized society is much more than the collective imagination of some particularly well-sheltered primates.

It also doesn't take more than a single encounter, or a few, to disillusion one.  And then what's left?  Those instincts, and a sense of betrayal, and eyes that dart around a little more.

So the next question, are the defence mechanisms that you have developed still useful? Or are they hampering you now? If it is the latter then it's better to come to terms with why you had to learn those defence mechanisms and feel confident enough to not let them control you. That doesn't mean to say that it will now make you a weak victim again. You can still stand up for yourself. You won't ever forget how. It's about taking back control of your life so you don't get triggered to do something that harms you.

(April 2, 2019 at 12:52 am)bennyboy Wrote:

(April 2, 2019 at 12:47 am)Thena323 Wrote: Right.
I knew you were taking great pains to leave out a crucial detail in this story; One that completely change the narrative.

And now I'm positive I've figured out what it is.
Pretty-fucked up move, tossing your wife under the bus like that. And for what?



I'm going to bed.

?

Really?  Can you remember the details of arguments you had 10 years ago?  If so. . . congratulations?

Unimportant details, no.

But you damn well know why your wife was so concerned about you leaving the house at the moment...And you've been up here pretending that she was just following you around nagging you over mundane couple stuff.

You've revealed yourself to be quite the liar and master manipulator here, benny, despite your claims of being unable to control your anger. I can only imagine the level of bullshit your family to put up with IRL. What a depressing, bleak, and stressful existence it must be for them.

I feel sorry for your kids.

I've had anger management issues my whole life.
The birth of my daughter softened me greatly, but anger management courses, psychologists, medication and the love and support of family helped also.
A lot of men don't have access to any of that.
What's the answer to this dilemma?
Throw them in prison or let them kill themselves?
Yeah, that's working.
What about listening to their reasons/excuses?
Well, that would be a start.