My mom is dying, going to need an ear.

[Brian37]

Harsh Reality, By Brian37

Right now 
As you read this
The sounds of my neighbors
States the reality

Pound pound pound
Thump thump thump
As they reconstruct
The facade of their house

Somewhere else
On the other side
Of our pale blue dot
Others do the same

The bustle continues
Everywhere else
While empty and hollow
I don't have my mom

These prose my attempt
To keep her alive
This harsh reality
I write to survive

The impersonal history
Of the universe's reality
Doesn't give one damn
About any human

But I do
Give a damn
About my mother
A wonderful human

The master reaper
Took her from me
But that evil bastard
Won't take my memories


The thump of the hammers
Of my neighbors
Life goes on
Is doing me no favors

No the world wont stop
It didn't care
4 billion years ago
When none of us were here

That master reaper
Took her from me
But that evil bastard
Can't have my memories

Mom lives on
Not just in me
But to all she knew
Friends and her students

In her friend Joan
In her friend Bea
In her friend Robin
Paula, Judy and Mary

In all the kids
In her 30 years
Public school teacher
Education she holds dear

Still raw right now
In complete denial
You're still alive mom
I still am taking to you

But that damned thumping
No it isn't their fault
I do understand
That life goes on

I hate that reminder
It just doesn't seem right
Only days after
To hear the sounds of life

Fuck you reality
My my mom is still here
That harsh reality
Now only in here

In these prose
It's all I have
While my neighbors 
Rebuild their house


Thump tap thump
The hammers go on
An occasional buzz
A saw cuts into wood

Stop reminding me
Yes yes yes
I know I know 
DAMN IT I KNOW

DAMN IT I KNOW
Fuck the reaper 
Fuck those hammers
I WONT LET GO!

You are alive mom
You are live in these words
Nothing the hammers or reaper
Can take or refuse

[Catholic_Lady]

Thanks for all the responses even CL Mr Brewer. Just got off the phone with Tibs too, it is not going to heal in the moment, but having this thread here and people to talk to on the phone and in this thread helps.

I'm really glad to hear he called you. I hope this can all be of comfort to you during such a difficult time.

[Brian37]

Just lost it again, now is when I put my cloths in the dryer and wait for them to dry to go over to see mom. My thoughts are all over the place. I cant deal with all this right now. Mom knows what to do. I don't know what to do.

[Brian37]

Feeling a little better now. Weekend was hell not really having anything to do to set up the memorial. But especially was anxious about breaking the news to my aunt, but that went better than I expected. I have had a lifetime of anxiety and losing my mom is compounding that. But the help I am getting from mom's friends is helping. Right now I am more calm.

[Joods]

[Brian37]

Don't Delay, By Brian37

In 01
A bit distraught 
Over a recent 
Divorce

I moved 
To a new place
And met on line
Bob and John, friends of mine

Two of which
I never would have met
If it were not
For mom's unwavering support

Bob from down under
Dundee of accent
But mind of
Dawkins

John the red state
Redneck from Oklahoma
I would not have met
If it were not for mom from Ohio State

Mom took them in 
Although she's never met them
She loves to listen
To me talk about them

Listen's to me
Talk about Bob
All the places he's been
Like Higgins from Magnum P.i.

And when in the same room
While on Skype
Mom would say "Hi Bob"
Bob "Hi Brian's mom"

She never get's tired
Of hearing about John
Ribbing me about
His redneck songs

Who would think
It would ever happen
A guy could find Metallica
Or Redskins fight song on banjo

But what do you know
In all of that
My mom loves listening
To those interactions

Year after year
I would beg of them
"Bob and John
You have to meet my mom"

It never transpired
Because of distance
Circumstance 
In that life just happens

My dream was all 4 of us
Would sit around
The same breakfast joint table
While they razzed me much

Grab that time
When you can
Grab it with loved ones
And your friends

Yes the consolation
Is that they did talk
Maybe not in person
But that was a lot

Mom loves Bob
As much as John
Because they made me smile
And I am their friend

Get the time
While you can
It is really true
We don't know when it ends

[Brian37]

Unnerving to think tomorrow it will be a week. Planning the memorial today.Not looking forward to that.

[Godscreated]

I've been away for several days and just found out, I'm very sorry you are going through this, life can be so cruel and we are never prepared for it's cruelty. Keep in mind time will help ease your pain, stay strong to honor her memory.

GC

[Brian37]

I've been away for several days and just found out, I'm very sorry you are going through this, life can be so cruel and we are never prepared for it's cruelty. Keep in mind time will help ease your pain, stay strong to honor her memory.

GC

One thing mom does that many theists don't do is listen. It isn't a mater of "cruelty". Even she knew that. It is a mater of harsh reality. I use the word "evil" in a far different context than a theist in regards to my loss. Same with the word "cruelty". A slow death is scary and painful to anyone who goes through it. And for anyone who witnesses it like I have it is emotionally painful. But it is not some magic battle between a sky hero vs a ground villain. 

I have every intent on honoring her memory. I hope my planing her memorial today will do her justice. I also hope to start a education scholarship and if I can will put the link in my sig so anyone who wants to donate can. We cannot avoid the end of the ride, but we can do what we can to do justice to family. My mom spent her life teaching and caring about others and especially me. Life has very horrible aspects in it and my mom having to suffer like that is horrible, watching it is horrible. But to me all the events of the universe and evolution lead to our species and my mom. That it even happened is incredible. Mom's kindness and giving is incredible. So all I can do now is put something in place to honor my mom. 

If you have my mom as a friend, if she loves you, you have everything.

---

I do want to restate and make it clear to any theist not just GC, but any theist, including CL, your human empathy is fine and I do appreciate it. But one thing atheists need is the ability to freely express ourselves just like a theist would. Your intent isn't the problem. Everyone has family and it hurts. My issue is the logic behind where the theist thinks our compassion and empathy come from. I simply do not assign it to a deity. It comes from evolution. 

My mom really is great at listening even when she doesn't agree. She is as I said a holiday Catholic at best, more of a believer "just in case" at best. But I love the fact that she will listen to me when I explain why I do not agree with theists logic as to why we exist and where our emotions and behaviors come from. 

Mom listens to me debate with theists and even other atheists, and will ask me what my response is and what their response is. She doesn't always like my word choice in those things, but she certainly does understand what it is like to be a minority Catholic in a mostly southern baptist area. 

It still remains that all 7 billion of us are the same species and we all have loved ones and feel the same joy and pain in life. It hurts and I do feel hollow right now, but if you like I do, have someone as wonderful in your life as I do my mom, it is something most certainly to be valued and celebrated and remembered.

[Brian37]

Mom's friend Nancy helped me arrange the memorial today. Feeling more calm now that I feel like I am doing something for my mom. Friday March 24th 3pm at the retirement home, the place she lived before she went to the rehab/nursing home. I really hated feeling like I wasn't doing anything but waiting.