RE: The New Bible
February 25, 2016 at 2:57 pm
(This post was last modified: February 25, 2016 at 3:52 pm by FebruaryOfReason.)
Another chapter coming through.
Chapter 3
1. And lo it came to pass that 3000 years ago there lived an righteous man called NOWAY. And Noway was 500 years old.
2. And the Lord saith unto Noway, thou art a righteous man, and everyone else is an arsehole. So I am going to establish a tradition of mass murder by killing everyone except you. This will provide my followers with a bit of a problem later on when Hitler, Stalin and Mao murder millions and someone has to explain the difference between their actions and mine in the context of an omnipotent and compassionate God.
3. But to be honest I don’t think that far ahead.
4. So I’m going to kill everyone except you, Noway. But rather than just strike them all down where they stand, I’m going to do it in a way that leaves lots of difficult questions outstanding.
5. So I will send a GREAT FLOOD to you, Noway.
6. And you, as a strapping young man of 500 years old, shall build a great boat. It shall be big enough for 2 of every animal in the world.
7. And Noway cried out to the Lord;
“Thou must be joking, O Lord! I am FIVE HUNDRED YEARS OLD! Most blokes my age have been dead for 420 years. No man past the age of 85 has ever built a boat of even average size. I need all my great great great great daughters just to lift me into a sitting position every day.”
8. But the Lord declareth “Thou shalt build a boat anyway, Noway. It shall be fifty feet high, and three hundred feet long, and an hundred feet wide.”
9. And Noway cried out again; “But Lord, I won’t be able to fit even a tiny fraction of all the species into that! They’ll all kill each other within the first minute. And have you ever tried to herd 2 cats onto a boat? What the hell will the Lions be like?”
10. But Noway built the boat anyway, because he was not writing the story.
<some filler text here obviously, Dave. Make it really grandiose or they’ll start asking questions.>
11. And it came to pass that 2 of every animal turned up. And they went into Noway’s ark. And there were seven of some. And two of others. And then seven of the same lot, but not in a way that demonstrates that this Holy Book was cobbled together from two entirely different texts. Noway.
12. And the flood waters came from nowhere, and went away just as magically, leaving no trace of sediment or huge piles of skeletons all drowned in the same rock strata as we would expect.
13. And none of the animals killed each other neither, nor didst they fill Noway’s ark with shit.
14. And when the flood waters receded, the two animals (or maybe seven) left the ark and all regenerated their species from a single breeding pair, with the massive incest that would be required from this resulting in no birth defects whatsoever.
15. And Noway lived to be six thousand years old, as is quite common. And he died twelve thousand years ago.
Noway? YAHWEH!
Chapter 3
1. And lo it came to pass that 3000 years ago there lived an righteous man called NOWAY. And Noway was 500 years old.
2. And the Lord saith unto Noway, thou art a righteous man, and everyone else is an arsehole. So I am going to establish a tradition of mass murder by killing everyone except you. This will provide my followers with a bit of a problem later on when Hitler, Stalin and Mao murder millions and someone has to explain the difference between their actions and mine in the context of an omnipotent and compassionate God.
3. But to be honest I don’t think that far ahead.
4. So I’m going to kill everyone except you, Noway. But rather than just strike them all down where they stand, I’m going to do it in a way that leaves lots of difficult questions outstanding.
5. So I will send a GREAT FLOOD to you, Noway.
6. And you, as a strapping young man of 500 years old, shall build a great boat. It shall be big enough for 2 of every animal in the world.
7. And Noway cried out to the Lord;
“Thou must be joking, O Lord! I am FIVE HUNDRED YEARS OLD! Most blokes my age have been dead for 420 years. No man past the age of 85 has ever built a boat of even average size. I need all my great great great great daughters just to lift me into a sitting position every day.”
8. But the Lord declareth “Thou shalt build a boat anyway, Noway. It shall be fifty feet high, and three hundred feet long, and an hundred feet wide.”
9. And Noway cried out again; “But Lord, I won’t be able to fit even a tiny fraction of all the species into that! They’ll all kill each other within the first minute. And have you ever tried to herd 2 cats onto a boat? What the hell will the Lions be like?”
10. But Noway built the boat anyway, because he was not writing the story.
<some filler text here obviously, Dave. Make it really grandiose or they’ll start asking questions.>
11. And it came to pass that 2 of every animal turned up. And they went into Noway’s ark. And there were seven of some. And two of others. And then seven of the same lot, but not in a way that demonstrates that this Holy Book was cobbled together from two entirely different texts. Noway.
12. And the flood waters came from nowhere, and went away just as magically, leaving no trace of sediment or huge piles of skeletons all drowned in the same rock strata as we would expect.
13. And none of the animals killed each other neither, nor didst they fill Noway’s ark with shit.
14. And when the flood waters receded, the two animals (or maybe seven) left the ark and all regenerated their species from a single breeding pair, with the massive incest that would be required from this resulting in no birth defects whatsoever.
15. And Noway lived to be six thousand years old, as is quite common. And he died twelve thousand years ago.
Noway? YAHWEH!
I must not be nasty. I must not be nasty. I must not be nasty. I must not be nasty. I must not be nasty. I must not be nasty. I must not be nasty. I must not be nasty.
