Question?

[Arkilogue]

You might have had hallucinations... Why you have the need to attempt to purches miserable and desperate eternity as a young martyr? I wouldnt call martyrdom a life.

Can you hallucinate greater awareness? Does hallucinating cause everything to come into sharper/clearer focus, void of mental abstraction?

I'd say the constant internal chatterbox of "normal" egoic self is more hallucinatory. We hallucinate conversations, future events, throw judgments through the air at entities who are not there, entertain irrational fears, bemoan a past that has past, etc etc etc....all while not on drugs.

I don't understand your last two sentences. What do you mean "miserable and desperate eternity?"

I don't want to be killed, but I know I am going to die somehow. So I will choose my death and earn it. That is not martyrdom, that is Bushido.