This is unexpected.

[Zenith]

Yep, I agree with all of that. I'm not sure you understand the definition of Satanic magic though, you may want to check wikipedia. It's defined as a means to accomplish something that otherwise could not be accomplished. 'Magic' isn't required to be magical to work, just emotional.
Also, to be clear, I'm a modernist LavVeyan Satanist. Not a traditional theistic one. That would be stupid.

In the Satanic Bible, "magic" does not mean only to use someone's feelings against him, or to deceive him.

HERE are three types of ceremony incorporated in the practice of Satanic magic. Each of these correspond to a basic human emotion. The first of these we shall call a sex ritual.
A sex ritual is what is commonly known as a love charm or spell. The purpose in performing such a ritual is to create desire on the part of the person whom you desire, or to summon a sex partner to fulfill your desires. If you have no specific person or type of person in mind strong enough to cause direct sexual feeling culminating in orgasm, you will not succeed in performing as successful working. The reason for this is that even if the ritual was successful, by accident, what good would it serve if you could not take advantage of your eventual opportunity because of lack of stimulation or desire? It is easy to confuse enchantment for your ulterior motives, with spell‐casting to satisfy your sexual desires.
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The second type of ritual is of a compassionate nature. The compassion, or sentiment, ritual is performed for the purpose of helping others, or helping oneself. Health, domestic happiness, business activities, material success, and scholastic prowess are but a few of the situations covered in a compassion ritual. It might be said that this form of ceremony could fall into the realm of genuine charity, bearing in mind that “charity begins at home.”
The third motivating force is that of destruction. This is a ceremony used for anger, annoyance, disdain, contempt, or just plain hate. It is known as a hex, curse, or destroying agent.
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On the other hand, the “enlightened” man, who doesn’t place any stock in such “superstition,” relegates his instinctive fear of the curse to his unconscious, thereby nourishing it into a phenomenally destructive force that will multiply with each succeeding misfortune. Of course, every time a new setback occurs, the non‐believer will automatically deny any connection with the curse, especially to himself. The emphatic conscious denial of the potential of the curse is the very ingredient that will create its success, through setting‐up of accident prone situations. In many instances, the victim will deny any magical significance to his fate, even unto his dying gasp
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but the victim of a hex or curse is much more prone to destruction if he DOES NOT believe in it!
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Therefore, never attempt to convince the skeptic upon whom you wish to place a curse. Allow him to scoff. To enlighten him would lessen your chance of success. Listen with benign assurance as he laughs at your magic, knowing his days are filled with turmoil all the while. If he is despicable enough, by Satan’s grace, he might even die—laughing!

The Satanist performs his ritual to insure the outcome of his desires, and he would not waste his time nor force of will on something so inconclusive as rolling a pencil off a table, etc. through the application of magic. The amount of energy needed to levitate a teacup (genuinely) would be of sufficient force to place an idea in a group of people’s heads half‐way across the earth, in turn, motivating them in accordance with your will. The Satanist knows that even if you succeeded in lifting the teacup from the table, it would be assumed that trickery was used anyway. Therefore, if the Satanist wants to float objects in mid‐air, he uses wires, mirrors, or other devices, and saves his force for self‐aggrandizement.
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The best time to cast your spell or charm, hex or curse, is when your target is at his most receptive state. Receptivity to the will of the magician is assured when the recipient is as passive as possible. No matter how strong‐willed one is, he is naturally passive while he is asleep; therefore, the best time to throw your magical energy towards your target is when he or she sleeps.
There are certain periods of the sleep cycle that are better than others for susceptibility to outside influences. When a person is normally fatigued from a day’s activities, he will “sleep like a log” until his mind and body are rested. This period of profound sleep usually lasts about four to six hours, after which the period of “dream sleep” occurs which lasts two or three hours, or until awakening. It is during this “dream sleep” that the mind is most receptive to outside or unconscious influence.
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This is why a “primitive” magician can utilize a mud doll or crude drawing to successful advantage in his magical ceremonies. To HIM, the image is as accurate as needs be.
Anything which serves to intensify the emotions during a ritual will contribute to its success. Any drawing, painting, sculpture, writing, photograph, article of clothing, scent, sound, music, tableau, or contrived situation that can be incorporated into the ceremony will serve the sorcerer well.
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To insure the destruction of an enemy, you must destroy them by proxy! They must be shot, stabbed, sickened, burned, smashed, drowned, or rent in the most vividly convincing manner!
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If, in attempting to attain your goal through either greater or lesser magic, you find yourself failing consistently, think about these things:... Are you a gross, lumpy, lewd‐mouthed, snaggle‐toothed loafer who is desirous of a luscious young stripper? If so, you’d better learn to use the balance factor, or else expect to fail consistently!
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The aspiring witch who deludes herself into thinking that a powerful enough working will always succeed, despite a magical imbalance, is forgetting one essential rule: MAGIC IS LIKE NATURE ITSELF, AND SUCCESS IN MAGIC REQUIRES WORKING IN HARMONY WITH NATURE, NOT AGAINST IT.

So, about "It's defined as a means to accomplish something that otherwise could not be accomplished. 'Magic' isn't required to be magical to work, just emotional.":
if you claim that if one makes a ritual in order that you would die, the ritual works, and you die... it was nothing 'magical'? If you claim that this 'magic' is actually an "energy" that you somehow obtain, gather, and increase through ritual, and then unleash it into the universe to do what you desire, is not magic, then I don't know what the big difference is between this non-magical 'magic' and the traditional "sorcery", "magic", i.e. you only give an explanation to it.

*edit* The Book of Lucifer sounds pretty theistic, care to explain? Last I checked, LaVeyans don't believe in lucifer. Satan is used as a metaphor for a facet of yourself.

The Book of Lucifer doesn't sound theistic at all.
The only thing that seems to claim the existence of some supernatural beings is in:

Supposedly, demons are malevolent spirits with attributes conductive to the deterioration of the people or events that they touch upon. The Greek word demon meant a guardian spirit or source of inspiration, and to be sure, later theologians invented legion upon legion of these harbingers of inspiration—all wicked.
An indication of the cowardice of “magicians” of the right‐hand path is the practice of calling upon a particular demon (who would supposedly be a minion of the devil) to do his bidding. The assumption is that the demon, being only a flunky of the devil, is easier to control. Occult lore states that only the most formidably “protected” or insanely foolhardy sorcerer would try to call forth the Devil himself.
The Satanist does not furtively call upon these “lesser” devils, but brazenly invokes those who people that infernal army of long‐standing outrage—the Devils themselves!

Though it's written above that "The devils of mankind are many, and their origins diversified. The performance of Satanic ritual does not embrace the calling forth of demons; this practice is followed only by those who are in fear of the very forces they conjure.". Which does make it be a bit confusing: you call forth devils that you believe that they do not exist?? and we're supposed to call it "authentic atheism"?

It seems that daimonion originally meant a "spirit", not a "guardian spirit" or "source of inspiration". And back then, there should have been the idea of "good spirits" and "evil spirits", so you can't turn them all "good". It seems that daimonion was usually used as "evil spirit", while pneuma (another word for "spirit") was usually used of non-evil spirits.

Anyway, it does sound odd to make an incantation like:

Can the wings of the winds hear your voices of wonder?; O you!, the great spawn of the worms of the Earth!, whom the Hell fire frames in the depth of my jaws!, whom I have prepared as cups for a wedding or as flowers regaling the chambers of lust!
Stronger are your feet than the barren stone! Mightier are your voices than the manifold winds! For you are become as a building such as is not, save in the mind of the All‐Powerful manifestation of Satan!
Arise!, saith the First! Move therefore unto his servants! Show yourselves in power, and make me a strong seer‐of‐things, for I am of Him that liveth forever!

By the way, do you really believe that the Enochian language really existed as they claim and that the Enochian keys really existed since ages, as he claims and that he, by unknown mysterious means he got to know them and to know them correctly and to translate them correctly??

THE magical language used in Satanic ritual is Enochian, a language thought to be older than Sanskrit, with a sound grammatical and syntactical bases. It resembles Arabic in some sounds and Hebrew and Latin in others. It first appeared in print in 1659 in a biography of John Dee, the famous Sixteenth Century seer and court astrologer. This work, by Meric Casaubon, describes the occultist Dee’s activities with his associate, Edward Kelly, in the art of scrying or crystal gazing.
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For many years the Enochian Keys, or Calls, have been shrouded in secrecy. The few printings that have existed completely eliminate the correct wording, as the proper translation has been disguised through the use of euphemisms, and only designed to throw the inept magician and/or would‐be inquisitor off the track.
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Dispensing with such once‐pragmatic whitewashing in terms such as “holy” and “angelic,” and arbitrarily chosen groups of numbers, the purpose of which were only to act as substitutes for “blasphemous” words—here, then, are the TRUE Enochian Calls, as received from an unknown hand.

By the way, what I've found about the Enochian language:

Enochian is a name often applied to an occult or angelic language recorded in the private journals of John Dee and his seer Edward Kelley in the late 16th century. The men claimed that it was revealed to them by angels. Some contemporary scholars of magick consider it a constructed language that is nonetheless viable for magickal workings, while other scholars of constructed languages simply consider it a very poor imitation of an ancient language, with grammar derived primarily from English.

If you really believe the Enochian keys and Enochian language to be authentic, what is that which makes you blindly believe that?

And know that it was the first and the only time in my life when I've heard - and that was from the Satanic Bible - that Dracula is the Romanian name for devil
OMG!!
The Romanian name for "devil" is "diavol" or "drac"! "Dracula" comes first from Vlad Dracul, which was a historical person, in middle ages. Back then, "dragon" was translated in romanian as "drac":

Vlad II received the surname Dracul in 1431, after being inducted into the Order of the Dragon

while one of his sons was called "Vlad the Impaler (Romanian: Vlad Țepeș pronounced [ˈvlad ˈt͡sepeʃ]) or simply as Dracula"
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vlad_tepes)
It was all about the "Order of the Dragon".

Perhaps Anton LaVey should have not trusted his gypsy romanian grandma so much...