Ask an absentee father.

[LadyForCamus]

There's no end to the possible consequences, really, because I don't know anything about their life.  For all I know (and this was my situation once upon a time) my daughter has a father, whom she has always known to be her father, and her mother has never dissuaded her of this, in fact it may be that her mother is in love with the man and he;s been a -good- father.  Telling a teenager that the two most important people in her life have been hiding something like that from her, no good.  Or, perhaps, her mother has told her things about me or about us, and I..not knowing what they are, would unintentionally present a counter narrative (those questions I cant and wont answer, I mentioned to an earlier post). Or maybe, like I did once upon a time with my own biological dad, she'll see me the once, and never wonder or interact with me again.

I'm sorry; I wasn't trying to bait you with that question at all. Every person's individual set of circumstances will yield different sets of possible outcomes. Not knowing the specifics of yours, I was genuinely curious how the weighing of positive versus negative potential outcomes had turned out for you. Obviously, if she has no idea that her "father" is not her bio-father, showing up on her door step would be devastating.

To be blunt, the number of negative outcomes likely outweighs the number of positive outcomes, and I'm not a gushy man who goes in for tropes about happy reunions and how kids are better off with or knowing their bio-x...or that a parent in my situation has a right or a need to insert themselves in their children's lives.

I understand, and I agree. My husband's bio-mom left when he was approx. one and a half years old. She was 19, and his father was (is) a drunk who NEVER came around to help. Always at the bar. My husband was raised by his grandmother and he turned out an emotionally healthy, well-adjusted, hard working adult. Bio-mom has made a descent attempt over the last few years to ignite a relationship with my husband and our son via phone conversations (she lives out of state) and he accommodates her because he understands that the connection helps assuage her obvious guilt, but he has no emotional or psychological need for her in his life. There is no "mommy-gap" in his psyche. She remains a stranger to him, and sometimes that's the best thing for everyone involved.

The worst that could happen is very literally the culmination of years of my nightmares, and the best that can happen isn't all that far from a nightmare either. Seeing her wouldn't change the relationship we don't have. I can;t wind that clock back and make things happen some other way, or smooth anything over. Seeing her wouldn't be an icebreaker it wouldn't be the beginning of a relationship, in our case.

I am genuinely sorry for your open wound. [emoji45] I can't imagine what it must feel like to have a child out in the world somewhere knowing that there aren't any realistic paths to healing that pain, or at least closing the gap.

If I get a call from her, or her mother, my assessment might change. She knows where I live, they visit my family..and her mother asks them not to tell me that they're in town. I was, once upon a time, 5 minutes from my daughter and I was the only person in my family not to know it. The rest of them were terrified that she would stop coming if they breached that request. I can understand, she's adorable, we all love her, we all want to see her. So, knowing that, you tell me..what's the worst that could happen? I, personally, spend far too much time wondering about that already, lol.

Perhaps you could reach out to her mother discreetly, and feel her out? Maybe showing an interest from your end will generate some empathy (or maybe guilt) out of the ex?