Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[thesummerqueen]

CIJS:

If there's anything I've learned in the past 2 years, it's that keeping my mouth shut is the better part of valor. Things *usually* work out when I don't talk about them - at least not publicly. I don't always keep control of myself - I'm far from perfect - but I've done a decent job compared to my old self and strive to improve every day.

That said, it's really fucking hard not to blast all over the place how shitty you are. It hurts me on personal and impersonal levels and the only reason I even mention keeping my mouth shut is I am tired of passing by all the 'vaguebooking' and hearing about all the comments, and I have to hold back from making my own posts or going into my own rant about how immature and damaged you are.

Which is terrible, because most of the time I don't even feel those urges about anyone or anything. I shouldn't have to get dragged down to a certain amount of immaturity because of you.

Also, now I see why you latched on so closely to certain other people around us, because you both share a specific kind of petty dumbfuckery, and I'm glad I stepped away and don't have to witness it anymore.

Even while I'm miserable, fighting depression or anxiety, I feel so much more at peace now that I no longer hear either of your conversations on a day to day basis.

I cling really, really hard to the good opinions of people I trust and cherish, because living up to those good opinions is a noble and worthwhile path. I hate that you made me walk right off that path into the weeds. I hate that I let you make me do it. I feel like I'm standing further back on that path than I was, pulling thorns and burrs out of my clothes and crying over the scratches they leave and my lost progress. It's going to take me a while to heal and clean myself and catch up.

I hate that I disappointed myself and people who are better than both of us.

I want you to get the help you need. But I want you to go the fuck away to do it.