Ask an absentee father.

[LadyForCamus]

Well, it sounds like you handled the entire situation like a mature adult with only his family's best interests in mind.  You certainly can't beat yourself up for THAT.  

Well, lol, I'd -like- to throw a temper tantrum about it, stomp my feet and shout at ceiling fans....but I don;t think it would help, so I didn't have much of a choice about how I handled it, lol.  I did;t handle it particularly well then, beyond those few redeeming factors which become the only things that remained in my opinions after all the temper tantrums played themselves out.  

I'm calm -now-, after a decade, a loving marriage to a more..shall we say "suitable" woman?  Four more wonderful kids that I do have a deep and constant relationship with, and alot of soul searching with friends (a good portion of which happened on these very boards, so..not ancient history).  

The least she could have done is repay that selflessness with some interaction and involvement on her end.  [emoji848]

Like I said, I avoid the trap of thinking I'm owed something.  It would be nice, though, maybe...lol, for sure?  That's the funny thing about it.  No matter how much I might want that, I can't escape the fear that it would be utterly horrid.  In my mind, the only thing that would be worse than being an absentee father by circumstance, would be to be an absentee father because I lack the opportunity to avail myself of those interactions or they simply aren't invited.  The former is something I know, it's the situation at hand. I'd see her, if I saw her... maybe, once a year. The latter is something I don't know, and in the worst case wouldn't -want- to know. Human frailty, I guess, because bringing back the subject of what is owed to whom, or what could be done at least, my daughters probably the only person with any claim. Maybe the least I could do -is- horn in and give her the opportunity to make that decision. Do we all deserve to know our fathers (and is our father the man who sired us or the man who raised us)? My own fear of rejection can't be ignored as a possible bias in why I do or don't do what I do.

In any case, any maturity, and thoughtfulness I might enjoy on this subject relative to how others might take it..probably boils down to my experience on the other end of the same narrative as the child whose father (bio) was absent by circumstance. I;ve had practice, that's basically cheating in context. It's no wonder I didn't handle it like some of the most despondent or irresponsible...though I had my moments, lol

Oh, fear of rejection can be paralyzing. It obviously is in this case, as you literally can not bring yourself to make a move. Ugh. This is a really tough situation here, Rhythm. Part of me feels like...every kid DOES deserve the opportunity to choose for themselves. If your ex has NOT told your daughter she has a bio-dad out there who may or may not be interested in knowing her (and 13 is certainly old enough to breach the subject, IMO), I think that's wrong.

When he was a child, my husband's mother was writing him letters for a time. Letters that his father was intercepting and throwing away before he ever knew they existed, and my husband is still extremely resentful of his dad for that conspiratorial behavior. It robbed him of a sense of control over his own life. You may not allow yourself feel you're owed anything because in the end it's not about you, and you're a good man for maintaining that POV after all this time, but that doesn't mean SHE isn't owed the truth. But, you've no idea if that's even the situation for sure, do you?

How about bout this...I'LL call your ex, eh? I'll feel her out, and get back to you with either a [emoji106] or [emoji107]

[emoji13]