(November 11, 2016 at 3:42 am)Aroura Wrote: I really want to hurt myself right now. Not kill,just hurt. It's a difficult urge to resist. Maybe talking about it will ease the desire.
I'm a terrible person. I realm am. I'm a bad housekeeper and a bad wife. I fuck up everything. I lose my temper too often. My college degree is from I fucking TT, the one that just shut down for basically being an overpriced pay for an A. I'm stupid, my memory is actually damaged. I'm an utter coward. This isn't fishing for compliments. People who think I'm nice, well yeah I try, but deep down I'm a judgmental bitch. I think horrible thoughts, and I'm afraid of everything.
I've done ok at staying out of this dark place for a while. Maybe just dipping my toes on now and then. But I am currently paddling around alone. I needed understanding, and what I got was a clear message that I don't perform my wifely duties often enough or with sufficient enthusiasm. Not a new complaint. I've tried to improve, I just don't have much of a libido.
He never hugs or kisses me unless he wants sex. My birthday is in a few days and he's been giving me gifts early, but now it seems that as always, he was hoping they would earn him sex. He's said so plainly on more than one gift giving occasion. Should just have him return it all. I clearly don't deserve any of it. I'm lazy, I look so old now, and I'm sick so often. No wonder he only wants one thing out of me, the rest is garbage. When he graduates and doesn't need my money anymore, will he keep me around? Am I worth keeping? I don't feel like it right now. I feel very worthless.
And now im empty. Thanks for reading my emo baby pitty party. Just knowing im needy enough to hit post instead of just deleting this fucked up bitch fest makes me even angrier. I'll probably delete it tomorrow, but for now I need to say it. Like throwing up when you're sick, I needed to purge this poison out.
So, now im empty and going to sleep. I hope.
Everyone has 'bad' thoughts deep down. Everyone. If I told people some of the thoughts I had I probably wouldn't have a single ally in this world.
I don't know your situation, but the fact that your man never hugs or kisses you unless it's for sex, if he's not making you feel wanted, or loved, or making you feel sexy, or telling you you're a bad wife or housekeeper... That is much more of a reflection on him than anything. A man should make his woman feel loved, at the very least.
Besides that, it sounds like you're really going through a lot and I hope things work out. It must be tough to be in your shoes right now, but that doesn't mean things won't get better, because chances are, they will.
“Love is the only bow on Life’s dark cloud. It is the morning and the evening star. It shines upon the babe, and sheds its radiance on the quiet tomb. It is the mother of art, inspirer of poet, patriot and philosopher.
It is the air and light of every heart – builder of every home, kindler of every fire on every hearth. It was the first to dream of immortality. It fills the world with melody – for music is the voice of love.
Love is the magician, the enchanter, that changes worthless things to Joy, and makes royal kings and queens of common clay. It is the perfume of that wondrous flower, the heart, and without that sacred passion, that divine swoon, we are less than beasts; but with it, earth is heaven, and we are gods.” - Robert. G. Ingersoll
It is the air and light of every heart – builder of every home, kindler of every fire on every hearth. It was the first to dream of immortality. It fills the world with melody – for music is the voice of love.
Love is the magician, the enchanter, that changes worthless things to Joy, and makes royal kings and queens of common clay. It is the perfume of that wondrous flower, the heart, and without that sacred passion, that divine swoon, we are less than beasts; but with it, earth is heaven, and we are gods.” - Robert. G. Ingersoll
