Hey Deidre, thanks for sharing your experiences. Your self-awareness does you credit as does your willingness to confront your emotional needs; alongside the journeys for truth and purpose, this is a quest that can last a lifetime. This sort of conversation can be deep and intensely personal so I promise I'll be gentle 
To your key question, of course it's possible to be a spiritual atheist. You already are and you're not alone. As I'm sure you know, many existing religions are atheistic as are the non-denominational new-age spiritualists. For example Gaianists celebrate the world as a systemic entity and presuppose a single global consciousness but Gaia isn't a god.
The question I would ask you, and encourage you to seek answers for, is how important is the truth to you? That is to say, armed with the knowledge you have regarding the likelihood of the existence of supernatural propositions, how do you intend to address the disconnect between how you feel and what can be demonstrated about the universe? That question will ultimately bring you face to face with your fear of mortality and you're already aware of the way religions can manipulate that fear to their own advantage. You're keenly aware that you're fighting a battle with your indoctrination and that's half the victory right there!
When all's said and done, some people will compartmentalise their supernatural beliefs to protect their comfort zone and avoid the conflict whilst others will seek to address the conflict and either become religious or lose those beliefs. Wherever your journey takes you is okay as long as you're honest with yourself and for what it's worth, in that regard, I think you'll be fine.
To your key question, of course it's possible to be a spiritual atheist. You already are and you're not alone. As I'm sure you know, many existing religions are atheistic as are the non-denominational new-age spiritualists. For example Gaianists celebrate the world as a systemic entity and presuppose a single global consciousness but Gaia isn't a god.
The question I would ask you, and encourage you to seek answers for, is how important is the truth to you? That is to say, armed with the knowledge you have regarding the likelihood of the existence of supernatural propositions, how do you intend to address the disconnect between how you feel and what can be demonstrated about the universe? That question will ultimately bring you face to face with your fear of mortality and you're already aware of the way religions can manipulate that fear to their own advantage. You're keenly aware that you're fighting a battle with your indoctrination and that's half the victory right there!
When all's said and done, some people will compartmentalise their supernatural beliefs to protect their comfort zone and avoid the conflict whilst others will seek to address the conflict and either become religious or lose those beliefs. Wherever your journey takes you is okay as long as you're honest with yourself and for what it's worth, in that regard, I think you'll be fine.
Sum ergo sum
